11/29/00 8:45 a.m.
SM*A*S*HED
Al's Korean War Hero.

Robert A. George is an editorial page writer
for the New York Post------------------------------------RAGGEDmail@aol.com

nock on wood, there seemed to be a brief pause in the Election 2000 Florida Fiasco madness yesterday. Yes, there were court filings and counter-filings, various appearances and judicial findings, but in contrast to the previous two weeks, Wednesday was relatively shock-free.

So, this fleeting moment gives this columnist time to respond to a question that frequently pops up. Since there have to be three — and sometimes four — Ragged Thots a week, this creates a lot of pressure. People ask, "How do you come up with ideas to for a given column?"

Good question. Ideas come from everywhere. At a time like this, it can be easier and harder to write. It's easy in that there's a big story going on and one can find the material almost inexhaustible. On the other hand, there's so much information that one runs the risk of boring the reader. After all, how many times can we say, "Al Gore's a booby," "Lawyers are bottom-feeders" or, "Who's going to be behind bars longer this time — ODB or Robert Downey Jr.?" Many readers would be more than happy to hear that. But the rest of you deserve better. Thus, one must be creative.

Well, sometimes the words fall mellifluously from my brow to the pixilated page. At other moments, the process is something akin to having one's teeth remove. It's times like that to enjoy perusing one's e-mail. Thus, turning to outside help for inspiration, I have been quite fortunate. The spark for this column comes from an e-mail correspondence from a buddy of mine in Washington, D.C. "Jeff" (he knows who he is, but I don't want him to get overwhelmed with too much fan mail by revealing his full name). This was Jeff's description of Gore (on a normal day, I would have just ripped this off and presented the idea as my own; but, hey, it's the holiday season):

"He's Frank Burns not getting command of MASH 4077. He's pathetic. And everyone gets to see him carry out his national temper tantrum."

Perfect! Al Gore is Frank Burns. Burns, the kiss-tush guy. Burns, the slimeball. Burns and Gore are also the only two people that immediately come to mind when the word "unctuous" is mentioned. The Webster's definition is, "fatty, oily," but in particular, "revealing or marked by a smug, ingratiating, and false earnestness or spirituality." It's not a word one hears often — except when the vice president's face appears on the screen.

The comparison with the fictional character becomes even stronger when Hawkeye Pierce, Burns's womanizing foil, is brought into consideration. As played by the (in real life) insufferable Alan Alda, Pierce seems like the prototypical Lothario who "feels your pain." In other words, Hawkeye Pierce helped pave the way for Bill Clinton. Now, it should be noted that Burns had a long-standing extra-marital affair going on while encamped in the 4077. By most accounts, Gore has been faithful to his wife. However, this year's Democratic Convention "Kiss" would certainly make Tipper as eligible for the "Hot Lips" sobriquet as nurse Margaret Houlihan.

Now, the latest Weekly Standard has an article by the very good Noemie Emery calling Gore "Our Aaron Burr." Honestly, that does a disservice to Burr, who had something of a Greek tragic quality about him. Gore, on the other hand, is increasingly looking more like a pathetic creature rather than a tragic one. Thus, it seems even more fitting that the appropriate archetype for him would be a fictional character from a Seventies sitcom.

Ragged Thots readers, feel free to think of other individuals — fictional, historical, living or dead — that seem to be templates for Al Gore (the Al Gore figure in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum is not eligible). Drop a line and we can discuss nominations at an appropriate time in the near future. True, actual readers may find themselves mentioned in this little right-leaning corner of cyberspace.

Oh, yes, the more perceptive amongst you will also notice that this is another answer to the question, "How do you come up with ideas to for a given column?"

And that's why we depend on the support of our readers.