12/15/00 10:20 a.m.
Goodness Has Nothing to Do with It
Who Is Al Gore II.

Robert A. George is an editorial page writer
for the New York Post------------------------------------RAGGEDmail@aol.com

y the Para-Demons!! This is insane! This particular column is late because your humble scribe is attempting to get his life organized after being buried in e-mail for the last ten days! Gore over here! Goodness over there! I will never see the end of this!

The election is finally over. The vice president has at last uttered the "c" word. However, the effects of the Florida fiasco are deleterious to the national fabric and will be long lasting. No sooner was "Who Is Al Gore?" posted (i.e. "certified"), than even good conservatives — defiantly flaunting the rule of law — decried the results. There were demands that an additional "Uriah Heep" vote be allowed — which would have resulted in a tie. Unfortunately, that would have forced the final results into "my house." Such an event would have created complete chaos with ballots strewn everywhere.

Several people suggested that "Eddie Haskell" should not have been allowed on the "ballot" because Rush Limbaugh had been making the Gore-Haskell comparisons for months. A couple of people even noted that the actor who played Haskell has been on Rush's show more than once. Apparently, he's a conservative who doesn't particularly like the comparison. This is what I get for not being able to regularly listen to Rush in the office. Another reader wrote to say that he thought the idea was unfair to Haskell as well.

Alan Clark — suffering from delusions of grandeur that his name had been mentioned here — immediately threatened to call in Barry Richard if the "amended returns" were added to the earlier vote total. Being a columnist of modest means, your Ragged writer took this threat seriously.

And, then there were the late arriving "counties." They demanded that their entries be included in an "amended" column. So, there is a whole pile of other Gore templates (or "allegories" as one correspondent somewhat wittily called them) I've had to sift through.

Enough. I concede.

This columnist, herewith using his discretion, has determined to officially close the contest down. Rest assured, that all entries will be read closely, but . any entries that came in following last week's column will NOT be added to the totals announced there. Remarkably, Rehnquist, Stephens, O'Connor, Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas, Souter, Ginsburg, Breyer, and Klock unanimously agreed.

However, in the interest of having a complete "sunshine" policy (and afraid of any Freedom of Information Act requests, I hereby share with readers these late manually counted entries.

Al Gore is (was? will be?):

"The House Guest That Never Leaves" (from the old Saturday Night Live)

Sisyphus

Commander McBragg (from the Bullwinkle cartoon)

The "Bug" in Men In Black

The Fast Times at Ridgemont High character who wanted Judge Reinhold to break the rules and give him his refund immediately (where do people find this stuff?!!?)

Darkseid (more on that down below!)

The fat kid who stole Pee Wee's bike in Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure (this was an interesting choice — especially since Gore is trying to steal the election, but also considering some of the more salacious things that Paul Reubens — the actor who played Pee Wee — and Bill Clinton have in common)

A mutant cross between Mr. Rogers and Bullwinkle J. Moose ("Gorewinkle")

A cross between Bill Murray's character in What About Bob and Jim Carrey's character in The Cable Guy (though Murray's Groundhog Day might be more appropriate)

Animal House characters other than Niedermeyer (Greg Marmalard, double-secret probation Dean Wormer or the corrupt Mayor DePasto; Bluto too: "Over? Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no, and it ain't over now.")

Wayland Smithers (from The Simpsons) — this contribution came from a member of the Florida electorate who the Democrats have been trying to disenfranchise (can you say overseas ballot?)

Joshua Norton a.k.a. Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico

Soundwave of the Transformers ("the robotic 2nd to Megatron — who is very Clintonesque"). Daniel Chambers had to disagree with the earlier reader who thought Gore was more like Starstreak. As anyone can tell, readers who come up with suggestions that are based on comic-book and cartoon heroes have a much greater shot at getting mentioned in this column.

Yogi Bear ("smarter than the average bear" — as he tries to steal your pic-a-nic basket)

The Gracchi brothers

Cardinal Richelieu

Kaiser Wilhelm II

Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria (from the Savage Nation radio program)

The eagle character from The Muppets (personally, I think Bill Daley looks more like that guy)

Chief Inspector Dreyfus (from The Pink Panther)

Tony Powell (the Victor Mature character in the — oops! here he is again! — Peter Sellers's movie After the Fox)

The android from the first Alien

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz' compulsive liar on SNL)

The sycophantic Canon Collins from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice

Zelig (Gore's apparent obsession for putting himself and Tipper in the middle of Love Story and taking credit for the Internet certainly puts him up there with the Woody Allen character who seems to be in the middle of many historical events)

Herman Munster (especially when he throws one of his "Darn! Darn! Darn!" tantrums)

Miguelito Loveless (the evil "prototypical Mini-Me" from the original Wild Wild West show)

Tonya Harding (I've heard this one before, but still couldn't remember when Gore sent someone to work over Bush's knee with a tire-iron)

The Emperor of Mango Chutney (from Larry Shue's My Emperor's New Votes--er, Clothes). We're getting real obscure here, folks!

Vladimir Kondrashin — the head coach of the Soviet men's basketball team in the 1972 Olympics, who successfully got more time put on the clock until his team got the winning shot. Jason L. McNamara gets his name mentioned because this was a particularly cool entry. Never pass up a shot (heh! heh!) to compare a Democrat with some old Soviet lackey!

The pigs in Animal Farm

"Nellie" of Little House on the Prairie

Ferris Bueller — Alan Ecton came up with some very good reasons why Gore should be Bueller: "Gore is pushing this election contest thing much in the same way Ferris pushed for one escapade after another during his fabled "day off"…all the while defying any 'controlling legal authority'. Perhaps Mr. Gore actually had such a day while in the process of flunking out of divinity school…" Fine reasoning, Mr. Ecton which, unfortunately, misses one important point: Ferris Bueller is cool, thus there is no way he could be a template for Al Gore. Which is why…

The Principal in Ferris Beuller's Day Off is a far superior choice.

Percy Wetmore (in The Green Mile)

R2D2

Bill Sikes (from Oliver Twist)

Walter Mitty (though a far more gentle character than the vice president; I mean, he lives in a fantasy land, but doesn't force everyone else to live it)

Rhett Butler (first suggested by Peggy Noonan), being unable to get over the loss of his daughter Bonnie Blue.

Alcibiades

Reverend Lovejoy (another Simpsons reference!)

Harvey Cheyne (from Captains Courageous)

Elliot Carlin (from the old Bob Newhart Show)

There it goes, a fairly comprehensive selection of "Who Is Al Gore?". But, then again, the man reinvents himself so many times that he might be somebody completely new within a few days. Four years from now will we even recognize the guy? LL Cool J, maybe? "Don't call it a comeback/I've been here for years..."

Joe Lieberman is (was? will be?):

Meanwhile Joe Lieberman partisans (that is, anti-Lieberman partisans) also felt that they had to point out the Lieberman-Emperor Palpatine (from the Phantom Menace) resemblance. Interestingly, I had seen this jpeg email going around earlier this year, but had completely forgotten it.

Lieberman also received late votes as both Marvin the Martian (from Loony Toons) and Ray Walston (My Favorite Martian). Apparently more than one NRO reader feels that Al Gore is not the only member of the Democratic ticket that comes from another planet. Come to think of it, Lieberman sort of also looks like that alien that pops up in Weekly World News every four years to pick the president (He picked Bush this year).

Mr. Drummond (Conrad Bain's character from Diff'rent Strokes)

A "luuded out" chihuahua

Droopy the cartoon dog

Hardy Har Har from the old cartoon Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har (this must predate even your crusty humble columnist)

Mad magazine's Alfred E. Newman (contrary to the several Democrats who have made that claim about George W.)

Teller (as in Penn & )

Oh, and David Boies also got a mention as a ringer (dead) for the lawyer in Jurassic Park.

Granny Goodness is:

Then, there's my other major headache — Granny Goodness! Again, what the heck was I thinking?

Many people smartly suggested that I shouldn't do a contest like this (name that character) when the Internet is so readily available. Good point. It will never happen again. Apparently, there is a Batman-Superman website devoted to the animated television adventures of the comic-book heroes. Probably at least half of the respondents cut and paste from that site to share their information on the history of Granny Goodness.

A couple readers were honest enough to reveal where they got the info, even posting the URL. Of course, even those who didn't share the info ended up giving the game away. Like Jonah Goldberg, I'm a comic-book geek with world-shattering powers. Unlike Jonah, I lean more toward the traditional DC Universe powers than the Marvel Universe. It's not that I dislike Marvel — I'm a big Avengers fan and used to read the X-Men regularly. It's just that Batman is my all-time favorite and it always seemed to me that DC heroes were more archetypal. (At some point, expect a debate between Mr. Goldberg and myself as to which comic-book "universe" is most representative of conservative values.)

Anyway, mentioning Granny Goodness in the context of Superman was a dead give away. Because while Granny has indeed appeared in the Warner Brothers cartoons, she has not historically been a member of the Superman ouevre. This meant that the person was not fully steeped in comic-book lore.

Thus, it was comforting that the first person to respond to my column also appeared to be a fan of the medium. Jacob T. Levy is the winner of the Granny Goodness Sweepstakes. He correctly identified Granny as, "the Jack Kirby-created character in DC Comics, one of the lackeys of Darkseid of Apokolips. She runs the torture-fest 'orphanage' where Mister Miracle spent many years of his life, and selects the toughest female survivors of the orphanage to become part of her private army of (sometimes-terrifying but often goofy) Female Furies."

The key phrase here is "Jack Kirby." Mr. Kirby is only one of the most important popular artists of the 20th century, having co-created Captain America in the 1940s and most of the Marvel Universe of comic heroes in the '60s. Kirby moved to DC in the '70s and created what he called "the Fourth World" series of characters. Mister Miracle (the world's greatest escape artist) was the son of Highfather of New Genesis who was "traded" for Orion the son of evil Darkseid (pronounced "dark side") of Apokolips. And, yes, Granny Goodness, who looked like an old woman, but was the sadistic "trainer" on Apokolips.

Mr. Levy is an assistant professor of political science with the University of Chicago which means that he's the perfect target audience for National Review Online: Someone interested in political discussion (from a conservative side), but also heavily steeped in popular culture. Congratulations, Mr. Levy. Hope you've gotten yourself shoveled out of the Chicago snow.

Honorable "Granny" mentions go to:

Eric Koppi who had a good political analysis of what Granny represents in the larger sense: "[She] is in charge of recruiting individuals to be individuals no more. Something like perpetual basic training but with a cross between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Al Sharpton as drill sergeant." One could say, Mr. Koppi, that "it takes an orphanage, eh?" Hmm....

Tim Jones agreed that "Darkseid himself is a good template for Gore — except Gore doesn't have that much gravitas. Once you've moved into the Fourth World, however, the template possibilities are endless. Joe Lieberman as Darkseid's faithful lackey, Desaad! Any number of media talking heads as Darkseid's PR man, Glorious Godfrey! As for Granny Goodness, it's gotta be Hillary." Note the pattern developing here (for the record, Molly Yard and Donna Shalala were also mentioned as Granny-alikes).

Douglas Kern, an occasional NRO contributor, gets a mention because, hey, we "take care of our own" here.

Martin L. Shoemaker gets bonus points for noting the irony that the voice of Granny Goodness in the cartoons is supplied by none other than Ed Asner.

I am also giving two quick shout-outs to Ellen Beeman and Ellen Keane (or maybe it was Stephen Keane--e-mail addresses can be confusing these days!) simply because one shouldn't leave the impression that only geeky guys who can't get dates read comic books. Clearly, the distaff side is also aware of Darkseid!

Finally, Jim Baratta asks the very good question, "Isn't it amazing how many fanboys grow up to be libertarian/conservative?" It is. There were close to two hundred responses to the Granny Goodness query — and a fair amount of them seemed to know a good amount about comic books. The possible reasons for this will be discussed in a future column.

However, for now, these plunges into pop culture and the fascinating minds of NRO readers have been quite informative. But no more. Further entries will just be dumped on the steps of the Supreme Court. Kennedy or Brennan or Scalia (or whoever's up there!) can sort 'em out! However, feel free to share your other concerns, ideas and suggestions. I may not be able to respond to each and everyone of you, but please know that your submissions are read and much appreciated.

CORRECTION
Last week's "Darling Nikki?" Thots gave the incorrect name of David Horowitz's website which hosts Lowell Ponte's column. The correct address is, Frontpagemag.com. Check it out after you've had your daily dose of NRO.