This second edition of my NRO column will be spent attacking Jonah Goldberg. Strong believer that I am in the theory of the "Conservative Crack-Up," there's no reason to wait for a later time to start bashing a fellow conservative. To prove that I have neither fear nor good sense, my first target will be my online editor.

Of course, I’m kidding. The esteemed Mr. Goldberg had a neat column Tuesday on the Oscars. Most conservatives realize that Hollywood is out of step with the rest of America. However, I’m not sure we necessarily agree in what way it’s out of step. I disagree with Jonah on some of his specific criticisms of various Oscar contenders. I had mixed feelings about Boys Don’t Cry, rather enjoyed American Beauty, and found The Cider House Rules a true abomination. NRO visitors, feel free to pick and choose among George, Goldberg, and Potemra to compare movie viewpoints.

By the way, anyone who hasn't seen these movies, but wants to without having any endings ruined (or if you think you’ll be disappointed by the author’s rant at the end), please skip this edition and come back Friday. Boys Don’t Cry: Jonah’s biggest objection to this movie is a very legitimate one. Considering what the incredibly confused character (Brandon Teena/Teena Brandon) goes through, a question keeps coming to mind: Why not move out of freakin’ Nebraska (my apologies to Cornhusker State residents)? As Mr. Goldberg points out, there are many places where a girl-who-wants-to-be-a-boy can do so without inviting ridicule, revulsion, and death. Nebraska might not be one of those places. However, one of the reasons why this is a fairly interesting movie is because of that very question. Why doesn't she move? One of the fascinating aspects of the human condition is that solutions that appear simple to outsiders are not perceived as such for those experiencing the drama (in all senses of the word).

Teena Brandon was a woman who wanted to be a boy in Nebraska — nowhere else. It is significant that Brandon doesn't consider herself a lesbian. Perhaps, it is a peculiar respect for the Midwestern values which surround her that make her reject the lesbian identity. One might legitimately ask whether Brandon Teena didn’t want to move to New York or L.A. because abnormality is so happily accepted in those places. Can an abnormal person be "unique" in a community where everyone is "abnormal"? Thus, the story can be seen as a tragedy in the classic sense, albeit, a modern perverse one. No, I am not making direct comparisons with either Shakespeare or Greek drama, but Boys Don't Cry is not an easily dismissed work. Problems that one might have with the plot are overwhelmed by Hilary Swank’s remarkable performance.

American Beauty: Put me in the category of those who believe this to be an excellent movie and deserving of the Best Picture in what was not a great year for movies

The film is about people who find the all-American family to be a trap. While it can be considered a mocking of middle-class suburban values, it also carries a message of what occurs when those values are completely rejected. No one would disagree that life and marriage come with temptation and betrayal. There is a reason why "seven-year itches" and "mid-life crises" have become a part of the common language.

Conservatives can find much to applaud in this movie if they "look closer" (which, not coincidentally, the film’s tagline invites one to do). Consider the protagonists: Kevin Spacey plays Lester Burnham, a middle-class, middle-aged goof trying to come to grips with the emptiness of his life as he is getting down-sized. He thinks he finds "MEANING" when he becomes hopelessly infatuated with his high-school daughter’s best friend. Oh, one more thing, his icy, uncaring, wife Carolyn dabbles (poorly) in real estate! Haven’t we seen this movie before in the last few years? Who says Hollywood doesn’t have a sense of humor!

This family is deeply dysfunctional. The parents are too wrapped up in their own selfish lives that they don’t realize that the daughter is hanging out with the pot-dealing military brat next door. Oh, except that Lester realizes it when the kid offers him pot and he becomes a regular user. American Beauty shows what happens when the "teenage wasteland" generation moves into middle age without ever attaining true maturity. It's a generation that produces children that are cynical and world-weary before their time. The selfish Lester learns that his fantasy girl is not the nymphomaniac he imagined, but instead a virgin. It shocks Lester back to reality and he refrains from consummating his lust. Unfortunately, he has unleashed a train of events that is rolling unalterably toward a fatal conclusion. For those who don't believe that the film has a legitimate moral core, it should be noted that Lester ends up paying a far greater price for his attempted infidelity than a certain real-life baby boomer did for his actual. At least in American Beauty, decisions have consequences.

The Cider House Rules: It’s funny. I rarely get agitated at works of art — popular or otherwise. It takes way too much energy to scream at a movie or television screen. This movie is the notable exception. I disagree with Jonah. Though there is some fine acting in this movie, I don’t find it nuanced. On the contrary, this has to be one of the most despicable movies of the last several years. Its wretchedness was only enhanced by John Irving’s self-serving acceptance speech at the Academy Awards. The fact that there hasn’t been more anger at it speaks to the selectivity of political outrage.

To summarize, Homer Wells (Tobey Maguire) has been raised in an orphanage under the care of Dr. Wilbur Larch (Michael Caine).. In a sense, this demonstrates Hollywood originality. In a twist on the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold cliché, Larch is father-figure to Wells, caring guardian to the couple dozen orphans and, oh, yes, an ether-addicted abortionist. Larch teaches Wells everything he knows, though the pupil demurs at aborting babies. Larch asks, "How can you not help these women when you know how? Every life has to be of some use." The irony of that particular statement coming from someone performing illegal abortions is lost on the doctor, of course, though not on Homer.

As a young girl dies of an attempted self-induced abortion, Larch intones that she died of secrecy. On the way back, he casually points to one of his charges and says, "Look at Buster, what choice does he have? What are his options? No one will ever adopt him." Homer replies, "Look at it this way: We're sitting right here beside you; we could have ended up in the incinerator." "Happy to be alive under any circumstances? Is that your point?" counters Larch. Homer says yes.

Homer talks meaningfully of the need for responsibility until Wally the pilot and Candy his girlfriend arrive for an abortion. Homer decides to leave with the two. He gets as far as Wally's farm where he decides to become an apple-picker. There, as Wally heads off to the war, Homer begins an affair with Candy and befriends several black migrant workers. Upon learning the awful secret among the workers — young Rose has been impregnated by her father — Homer undergoes a transformation. He aborts Rose's child.

Cider House disguises itself as a film about a young man "finding" himself. But it stacks the deck against, and ultimately suffocates, Homer's basic moral core. Homer's "natural" anti-abortion sentiments are dismissed as naïve by Larch. By the end of the film, having literally journeyed through a heart of darkness, the viewer is invited, if not manipulated, into adopting Larch's view. The black migrant workers are, of course, all illiterate. Homer ends up reading to them as he did the younger children at the orphanage. The deck is as stacked against this group as it is against Homer. Illiteracy, incest, abortion, and parricide are the demons visited upon these workers. In essence, the workers are depicted as the "societal" orphans that Larch described earlier — they have no choices; they have no options.

After the abortion, the incestuous father states, "These rules ain't made for us; we're the ones who are supposed to make our own rules. And we do. Every single day…" The words provide the central justification for the movie's ultimate amorality, but they just as well could summarize the views of Hollywood to the rest of America.

It's not truly fair to attack a movie solely on the political views of its creator. And there are several good performances in this film. But, ultimately, originality and honesty are legitimate criteria upon which to judge art. The cliches are abundant in Cider House Rules and it is, in the final result, a manipulative, dishonest product.

In a Kipling sense, Homer becomes the white savior to alleviate a poor ignorant black girl's burden. She then kills her father and escapes to find what, her destiny? The killing of Rose's unborn child, with Dr. Larch's death, also frees Homer to suddenly realize his destiny and take Larch's place at the orphanage.

The marketing of this film is as dishonest as its storyline. If one sees the trailer, there is no way to tell that abortion is at its heart. In fact, there is no way to tell what the plot is at all. One is treated to warm and fuzzy images of children playing and sleeping...of a young couple, seemingly in love, frolicking in a field...a kindly old man urging his "kings of New England" to sleep. The parallel lie and one that mirrors the central ugliness of the film is that the trailer gives no indication that there are African Americans in the film. One has to look closely at the trailer credits to recognize the names of any black actors.

While a few conservatives have been upset with the blatant pro-abortion message, Majority Leader Trent Lott still called it a "great movie." Planned Parenthood called Lott's comments a "breakthrough." More likely, Lott is simply clueless. Would he have still considered it a "great movie" had he considered that Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, was a leader in the early eugenics movement? Liberal Hollywood conveniently ignores that history when it supports and gives an award to a film with a rather repugnant moral.

One must ask, "where is the NAACP?" Is the organization so obsessed with insuring that blacks have jobs in TV and movies that they care little about what images are then placed on celluloid? Apparently so, since not a peep has been heard. The response, or lack thereof, to this movie in the broad political community gives credence to a suspicion of mine. While liberals obsess over race as a political issue, almost to the exclusion of everything else, conservatives too often ignore the very real implications of race in life and art — even when they often buttress clear conservative issues.

Alan Keyes, please book that next flight to California immediately.

Oh, well, that's today's rant. Next time, let's just talk about a quiet topic like college basketball.