12/05/00 9:50 a.m.
Who Is Al Gore?
Ragged readers respond!

Robert A. George is an editorial page writer
for the New York Post------------------------------------RAGGEDmail@aol.com

hat in the name of Granny Goodness could I have been thinking?!?!? In the "SM*A*S*HED" Ragged Thots last Thursday comparing Al Gore to M*A*S*H's Frank Burns, your humble columnist invited readers to suggest their own Al Gore "templates" — some character, real or fictional, of whom our soon-to-be-erstwhile vice president reminds them.

Well, I should have known from the many times the esteemed Jonah Goldberg has asked for audience participation (polls and the like): NRO readers are smart, energetic, and witty. Jonah regularly gets thousands of e-mails. I'm lucky if I get a dozen per column. So imagine my surprise when I got over a hundred within twenty-four hours of the column's being posted.

How to sift through all of these? This is the last time I'll be foolish enough to suggest something like this.

First, some housekeeping: One of my biggest fans — the left-of-center "Rob from Athens" pointed out that Hudson fellow and sometime-NRO contributor Marshall Whitmann actually made the Burns-Gore comparison a couple of months ago (though Marshall compared Bush to Hawkeye Pierce, while I put Clinton in the Hawkeye role). I confess I missed that earlier piece and apologize to Marshall if he thought I was ripping him off. I didn't — blame my friend Jeff in D.C. (take responsibility? Moi?). Seriously, just one of those things that fall under the "great minds think alike" category.

Okay, here we go. It will be impossible for me to list everyone who contributed, so I will just have to mention those who went above and beyond the call of duty. Interestingly, there were very few actual historical figures suggested — which may say something about the plastic qualities of Al Gore. To be exact, there were only four (by the way, characters from Shakespeare historical dramas are, for this purpose, considered fictional): Richard Nixon (submitted by Jim Christiansen), Machiavelli (Richard Wood), Pompey the Great (Jeff Barnhardt, who also suggested Mark Twain's "The Good Little Boy") and Bonnie Prince Charlie — the "Young Pretender" (suggested by a college classmate of yours truly, Ruth Staver. Way to go, Ruth!). These submissions were accompanied with highly informative mini-essays and notes:

The following got one "Gore-like" mention:

"Aunt Bee" (from the Andy Griffith Show) — specifically the episode when she ran for the city council against Howard Sprague and "constantly talked about representing the "will of the people."

"Barney Fife" (also from Andy Griffith) The Andy Griffith character in A Face In The Crowd (what, no Matlock fans out there?)

"The Joker" (as played by Jack Nicholson in the first Batman movie)

"Mike Brady" (particularly when Mike had one of his family "talks" or "votes" — jokes about Gore's make-up and the real Mike Brady's lifestyle choices will not be accepted).

"Gumby" ("…damnit! No, Gumby was pliable. My mistake.") Good line, Brett Sembach.

"Major General" (from Gilbert & Sullivan — "J. Weidman suggested this and the aforementioned "Barney Fife")

Wizard of Oz characters (the Scarecrow without the brain, the Tin Man without the heart and the Cowardly Lion without courage)

Demi Moore's lawyer character in A Few Good Men

"Max Headroom"

"Wile E. Coyote"

"Don Quixote"

"Starscream" from Transformers

"Ahab" from Moby Dick

"T.J. Detewiler" (from the Disney cartoon, Recess)

"The Dauphin" (from Henry V)

"Baby Jane" (from Whatever Happened To…)

Ersatz "O.J."

Kurt Angle from the World Wrestling Federation

Former Yankee Manager Billy Martin

Former Oakland quarterback and spectacular washout Todd Marinovich

"Ernest T. Bass"

"Kang" from The Simpsons

Bryant Gumbel

A cross between John Wayne and Richard Simmons (sacrilege!)

"Mr. Toad" from Wind And The Willows

"Ichabod Crane"

"Alexander Sebastian" (the Claude Rains character in Notorious)

"the kid" in Boys From Brazil

"Georghie" in The Magnificent Ambersons

"Joanna the Lizard," pet of "Percival McLeach" in the Disney movie The Rescuers Down Under

"Bartleby the Scrivener" (someone else told me to think of this character; I told them I would prefer not to)

"Gollum" from The Lord of the Rings (special mention should also go to long-time reader Richard from Dayton who actually mentioned the magic ring from Tolkien's classic trilogy …the day before my column ran. Very prescient, Richard!)

The Easter Island statues

"Dexter" from Dexter's Laboratory

"Emperor Zurg" from Toy Story 2

"James Taggert" from Atlas Shrugged (Matt Drachenberg, did you seriously think that simply mentioning your parents would get you a shout-out in this column? Sorry, takes much more than that, buddy!)

"Ellsworth Toohey" from Fountainhead (Shine on, you crazy Randians!!)

George Esworthy (Iago, Ensign Parker, Hamilton Burger and Robin, the Boy Wonder) and Roger Bournival ("The Terminator," Unabomber, Meathead of All In The Family, and Leon Trotsky) get extra credit for their multiple suggestions.

Okay, preliminaries out of the way. Herewith the Top Ten (or so) "Who Is Al Gore?" votes (pending any manual recounts):

11. "The Gore-bot" from Conan O'Brien. Technically, this entry tied with the next three but since this is a parody of the vice-president, it didn't quite fit the bill. But then again, Gore is almost a self-parody these days…

10. "Commodus" from Gladiator (2)

10. "The Knight" in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. That would be the one who keeps on fighting, even after he's lost all of his limbs. By the way, the song "Every Sperm Is Sacred" from The Meaning of Life got one mention because of the "Every vote must count" mantra that Gore and Co. have been spouting

10. "Mr. Rogers"/"Mr. Rogers" Evil Twin — two nominations that belonged together

7. "Niedermayer" in Animal House

7. "Captain Queeg" in The Caine Mutiny

7. "Mortimer Duke" in Trading Places — this was one of the truly inspired choices and I was surprised several people thought of it. David Little writes, at the end of the movie, the Don Ameche character starts yelling, "Turn the machines back on! Get those traders back in here." Very perceptive!!

4. WRITE-IN UPSET!! Completely unexpected!! Readers pointed out that actor Max Wright, a.k.a., "the guy who played the father on the '80s TV show, ALF" has a voice exactly like Joe Lieberman. As your humble columnist managed to avoid ALF, this was major news. However, the little alien muppet apparently had a great impact on more than a few NRO visitors, including Susan Marks (who also suggested "Joanna the Lizard" above). By the way, Joe Lieberman also received votes as Elmer Fudd, a "near perfect cross between Boo Boo Bear and Pat [the androgynous Saturday Night Live character]" and "Hot Lips" Houlihan to Gore's Frank Burns. I just don't want to know.

3. "Tracey Flick" from Election. Another truly inspired choice! It was so out of left field that I suspected ballot stuffing (appropriately enough), but upon further review, it was determined that people came upon the idea separately. For those who haven't seen the Reese Witherspoon/Matthew Broderick 1999 movie, it's quite good. Without giving away too much, good conservatives will undoubtedly hope that Gore doesn't emulate Tracey Flick too closely. Gene Healy, thanks for the essay on Election — written before November 7th, one should note.

2. "Uriah Heep." A very close race and the classic education of NRO readers was fully on display with this selection. Of course! "Heavy, ponderous." A perfect description of "Uriah Heep"! A totally random canvass of the many "Uriah" supporters finds one Ed Capano. It should be underscored that it is just coincidence that Mr. Capano happens to be the respected publisher of National Review. Anyway, it was a just a real hoot to find out that Ed was a "Uriah" fan. I almost got on the phone to ask him about his Jethro Tull and Iron Butterfly collection. Fortunately, several other people wrote in pointing out that this was the unctuous and "'umble" David Copperfield character — and not the classic rock group. Oops. My bad. Ain't that the Dickens!?!?!

1. "Eddie Haskell" from Leave It To Beaver. Alan Clark says, "…when off-camera, a scheming, dishonest, smart-alecky know-it-all; when on-camera, fake and phony, pumping out a stream of sticky-sweet lines that he thinks you want to hear." That sounds like our veep Al. Mr. Clark also took the time to break down other Beaver characters with their appropriate political contemporaries. Get some rest, Alan.

And there it is. Coming in at Number One, Mr. Eddie Haskell. A truly close contest — one slim vote separated Tracey, Uriah, and Eddie. Almost as tight as the rumble in the Sunshine State.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who wrote in. This was a much-needed distraction from the real Al Gore (does such a being exist?). Now that the countdown is complete, it is time to bid adieu in the time-honored manner of my true idol, "Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

Oh, by the way, first person to accurately identify the "Granny Goodness" reference in the opening line of this column gets a mention in a future edition. Yes, I'm shameless.