|
 e
have been lectured sternly for the last three months by hordes of
"experts." From a variety of sometimes-wacky angles, they
have predicted stalemate and even well earned American humiliation
in our war against terrorism. Magnifying our enemy's scant power,
while deprecating our own real strength, some gloomy pundits —
especially abroad, and particularly in Europe — have offered
neither retractions nor apologies for their flawed analyses, even
as events in Afghanistan have proved their glum prognoses completely
wrong.
Week after
week, we have been subjected to one scolding after another: Afghanistan
is unconquerable. The Russians and British perished where we will
too. The snows are coming to freeze us. The Taliban are too firmly
entrenched and must be included in any postwar government. Only
a pan-Islamic peace force will restore order. Al Qaeda is impossible
to root out. We need better proof of bin Laden's complicity in September
11. The bombing is not working. We are in another Vietnam quagmire.
Oil will go sky-high. We dare not fight during Ramadan. The Northern
Alliance is a paper tiger. The Arab street will explode. Mr. Arafat
and the intifada will ignite the Middle East. The moderates
in the Islamic world will turn on us. And so on.
Like the fossils
of Jurassic Park dinosaurs, skeletons of the now unclaimed
conventional wisdom of the last few months are strewn everywhere.
From the shards of these old bones it is hard to believe such animals
just a few weeks ago stalked our country and were cloaked in real
flesh. Perhaps we can go back to the pile, sort out the bleached
teeth, rib cages, and skulls, and so remember the brief lives of
these absurdly silly beasts.
The
Afghanisaur
All
recall this flesh-tearer! Purportedly an especially fearsome hunter,
with curved teeth and snapping jaws, this beast's "Texas-sized"
hulk and endlessly bloody appetite — we were told — gobbled
up entire herds of unwary and lumbering trespassers. Afghanisaur
was a tribal, unpredictable carnivore, an all-terrain quadruped
who bellowed loudly among the skeletons of his past victims, lurked
in snow, ignored wind, preferred high altitudes, and was reportedly
as cannibalistic as he was indomitable.
Ramadanoceros
Ah,
Ramadanoceros, we knew ye well. His large, seasonal horn
supposedly sprouted each fall to root out and spear any who dared
disturb this mystical and sullen recluse during his fall hibernation.
Although some scientists believed that the Ramadanoceri were
more likely to go on devouring each other throughout their annual
autumn cycle of quiet, many swore that their unquenchable fury was
reserved solely for other unwary species who dared to prowl in their
restricted domain.
Vietnamapous
Myth
surrounded this ubiquitous, smelly, and lethal marine predator,
conjectured to be able to produce ten to 15 litters per year. Prone
to enticing large, bumbling dinosaurs into shallow reefs, the creature's
innumerable and nearly invisible tentacles would then hamstring
clumsy opponents and leave them wriggling for mercy, as other opportunistic
scavengers fed off their paralyzed carcasses. Vietnamapous
was said to be the most fearsome predator of the bumbling and once-stung
Americanaderm.
Bombadactyl
Remember
silly Bombadactyl? His hollow bones were proof of a rather
pathetic airborne flapper, a lightweight and often-frail bird who
— no doubt ineffectively — dropped small pebbles from
his clumsy, horned beak. But his forays were more likely to result
in hitting other innocent vegetarians than in ever hurting his targeted
prey — the far more clever Alqaedatron. Quite unlike
the Arafator in evolutionary terms, he had a preference for
air assault that was an utter failure, apparently never defeating
his enemies or even protecting the friendly Northern Allianopus.
Talibanus
Rex
Who
could forget the king of the dinosaurs? T. rex was a foul,
two-legged, bellowing omnivore who purportedly would swallow anything
in his immediate vicinity, and was nearly impossible to kill. His
wild fits and teeth gnashing were no doubt horrendous spectacles,
and spelled death for any who approached him without careful consideration
and specialized knowledge of his unique habitat and unpredictable
moods. Apparently, these unstoppable Talibani reges were
autogenous — inasmuch as no females of the species have yet
been found.
The
Northern Allianopus
All
during September, experts lamented the poor Allianopus. These
rather unimpressive gaunt, rodent-like crawlers of the north, we
were told, were natural fodder for flesh-eaters of all sorts. Often
malnourished and nocturnal, the tiny and shy Allianopus on
occasion was forced to make feeble night forays against both Talibanus
rex and Alqaedatron — usually ending in an easy
feast for his more advanced and specialized carnivorous enemies.
No doubt related to the equally unimpressive and perhaps even more
frail Southern and Eastern Allianopus.
Alqaedatron
We
all trembled in fear of this monster! From his carcass it is hard
to remember that this snapping, cave-dwelling iguana — who
was seldom seen and almost never successfully cornered — was
akin to something like the modern ferocious Gila monster. Alqaedatron
— the very name was to send shivers down our spines —
was prone to appearing from almost anywhere, spewing forth instantaneously
lethal venom, and then scurrying unscathed back into crevices. Parasitic
on unsuspecting hosts, often protected by T. rex, this devilish
lizard brilliantly camouflaged himself among the unsuspecting vegetarians
on whom he fed without fear of retaliation.
Fundamenippus
The
world just lately shuddered before the collective neighing of thousands
of these hoofed ungulates. The now-extinct beasts were allegedly
formidable herders — a social species believed to muster mindlessly
on rumors of perceived insults in order to swarm, bite, and kick
to death their prey. Their curious donkey-like ears allowed them
to hear sounds from above not otherwise detectable to other species.
Once an unsuspecting quarry provoked the frenzied throngs of Fundamenippi,
he would be pulverized in a sea of crunching molars and wild kicks.
The only salvation was to accommodate these unpredictable herds
through careful backpedaling, clear expressions of homage, and periodic
offerings of food and rangeland.
The
Arafator
We
should not be misled by the scant remains of that hornet-like stinger.
On the slightest sign of conflict, the Arafator would dive
out of nowhere to buzz and poke the combatants until he was given
ample honey and airspace. At the sound of his droning, both the
deadly Alqaedatron and T. rex were likely to join
in to snap at the Arafator's prey — and so most adversaries
preferred to pay or run before this unstoppable and deadly helldiver.
The
Oilodile
Long
snouted Oilodilus was the most temperamental, sensitive,
and savvy of all our extinct creatures. His myriad eyes missing
nothing, this ever-ready siphon was quick to slither out at the
first sight of commotion, suck up all the primeval goo of the forest,
and then retreat back to his lair to horde it, as the distracted
— and soon-to-be-hungry — dinosaurs devoured each other.
As recompense for the fouling of his nest, the Oilodile would mete
out his ever-scarce, stockpiled nourishment only to those famished
beasts which queued and paid proper obeisance — in some sense,
he was the real Rex of the age, and had to be coddled at
every opportunity.
Americanaderm
Oh,
poor Americanaderm! It is hard to conceive that his somnolent
and lazy mammoth plodded about just a few months ago. This thick-skinned
behemoth was by all accounts plagued with a pea-sized brain; no
visible horns, teeth, or trunk; and an innocuous disposition prone
to eating and idle amusement — teased mercilessly by the vicious
Oilodilus. Only one specimen has been found, suggesting a
rather isolated and parochial existence, and reflecting the Americanaderm's
perhaps legitimate fears of his more aggressive and lethal competition.
This powerless but attractive target was conjectured to be clearly
a Darwinian mistake; experts said it probably served as an opulent
feast for the Alqaedatron and Talibanus rex alike.
Bushanthropos
minor
Harvard
researchers shook their heads, dumbfounded, at poor B. minor.
Once thought to be related to the purportedly Neanderthal Bushanthropos
major, this apparently mute and indecisive hominid was felt
to be even more underdeveloped. Recall that he was believed to have
no discernable survival mechanisms — at least according to
conjectures about his unimpressive mental capacity, arrested analytical
skills, and only vestigial vocal facility. Yale experts surmised
that Bushanthropos minor was an idle, happy creature who
survived only due to long periods of sleep and careful avoidance
of the surrounding treacherous landscape. Some Oxford anthropologists
believed that he may have found solace in the company of the equally
unthinking Americanaderm — a likely symbiosis given
their similarly infantile and unobtrusive natures.
Iraqisaurus
No,
no! My God, not him! From his shattered skeleton, it is now hard
to imagine that, just days ago, this wily and unpredictable serpent
coiled, rattled, and slithered unmolested thanks to the plethora
of his "unstoppable" weapons and numerous allies. With
his infectious, venom-laden fangs, the Iraqisaurus perhaps
also emitted toxic gases, lethal spittle, and poisonous dung. Or
— heaven forbid — even worse! Even more frightening still,
the once deadly snake's lair was occasionally a safe haven for both
the deadly Alqaedatron and the unspeakable Fundamenippus,
with deadly Arafator humming in the distance — raising
the specter of an unstoppable, multifaceted assault on any dinosaur
imprudent enough to approach his hole.
As difficult
as it is to believe, from the fossils of these extinct creatures,
that any of them were really alive, we should take note of their
brief existence all the same — so that we can recognize the
offspring no doubt to arise among us in the days to come.
|
