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 ou
really can’t parody places like the University of Michigan,
and I could spend full time reporting on its follies. I suppose
one should resist. But let’s dip in, just for a second —
just in case someone has forgotten what it’s like on American
campuses.
In Ann Arbor,
it’s time for “THE SEVENTH ANNUAL EXHIBITION OF ART BY
MICHIGAN PRISONERS!” (I’m quoting from a university circular.)
As the notice goes on to explain, “This event has taken place
every winter since 1996. It is prepared for all year by prisoners
throughout Michigan and is a very meaningful event, revealing the
many-sidedness and the talent of men and women who are mostly stereotyped
by the media and by many of our politicians.” A premise of
this University of Michigan project is that prisoners are wrongly
incarcerated, the victims of racism, capitalism, and so on —
of America, in a word.
One of the
most striking parts of the university’s festival is the “Sandcounting
Lab.” Let me explain. No, let the University of Michigan explain:
“Interdisciplinary artist Alison Cornyn’s installation
at the Natural Science Building Greenhouse gives you an opportunity
to meditate upon the two million men and women incarcerated in United
States prisons and jails. The United States has twenty-five percent
of the world’s prisoners. This is an opportunity to have quiet,
focused time counting grains of sand and reflecting upon this fact.
To reserve an individual session of ten minutes or longer in the
lab, contact” — a nice woman named Becky.
To repeat:
“This is an opportunity to have quiet, focused time counting
grains of sand . . .”
You can’t
beat the sand-counting, but bear with me a second longer. The university
speaks of the “prison industrial complex,” illustrating
the ideology that runs throughout. A panel scheduled to take place
on March 7 was called “Words from the Inside Out,” and
it promised “an opportunity to hear the often forgotten, but
nonetheless passionate, voices on the inside.” This was “a
reading of the prose and poetry of inmates in Michigan’s prisons
and detention centers, as well as works from Detroit public high
schools.”
That joining
of Detroit public high schools with the state’s prisons was
a little unnerving to me.
There’s
more — so much more — but I’ll stop now.
 Hang
on, one more item, Ann Arbor-related. Wouldn’t you know? The
Washtenaw County United Way voted to cease giving money to the Boy
Scouts. Yep. Everybody at the university is real happy about
that, too.
Remember: Prisoners,
good. Boy Scouts, bad.
Only in Ann
Arbor. No: Only in America.
On
to something more cheery: Let’s do a little language. As regular
readers know, I’m a nut about words, slang, expressions —
including youth-speak. I spotted a prize specimen of youth-speak
in an article about the return of Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes
to high school. One of Sarah’s excited classmates explained
to a reporter, “This is so, like, ‘Whoa,’ for us
. . .”
I adore that
expression. In fact, I plan to use it in my music criticism: “This
was so, like, ‘Whoa’!” It says a great deal.
Speaking
of criticism: Clive Barnes is one of the top critics of the last
half-century, an authority on, and arbiter of, theater, ballet,
and other important things. In the New York Post recently,
he had a fascinating
little article on what a critic should be, and how one should
respond to critics. He says intriguingly — and not at all conventionally
— that “the critic’s role is to be an advocate, not
a judge. The good critic is trying to persuade you to agree with
his viewpoint . . .” Barnes ends, “Critics might merely
be nice-writing nuts, but trust one who is at least a nut on your
particular wavelength.”
I must say,
this is one of the most refreshing and thought-provoking items I
have read in a long while. And I’m still not 100 percent sure
what to think about it (a good sign).
As
some of you may have read, Harvard has just sullied itself by signing
on an official of the Castro regime to be a professor. This Cuban
enforcer is to be — this is so delicious — the Robert
F. Kennedy Professor at the School of Design! All in all, Harvard’s
act is so disgusting — a pissing in the face of all the people
persecuted by the regime that this man represents — I can barely
write about it.
Luckily, Ross
Douthat, a Harvard senior, can. His recent
article in the school newspaper certainly speaks for me. I should
tell you that Ross was an intern here at National Review.
The first time I heard of him, I received an e-mail from someone
recommending him. The Subject line read: “Ross Douthat, Superstar.”
I soon learned the truth of that.
The
latest cool thing for colleges and universities to do is to sponsor
trips to Cuba: They think it’s daring, and they know it’s
politically correct.
The University
of Connecticut is sponsoring such a trip for this summer, and its
flier chirps, “The Republic of Cuba is known for its dynamic
music and dance traditions, diverse religious communities [yes,
Castro has really helped out them!], and intriguing history.”
Etc.
Now, I’d
like to comment only on this: that phrase “the Republic of
Cuba.” Obviously, the university just can’t help adding
this extra insult. I don’t expect them to say “Communist
Cuba” or “the island suffocated by the beast Castro.”
But wouldn’t merely “Cuba” do? Do they have to cooperate
in the lie that this totalitarian system is a “republic”?
At Olympics
past, Bob Costas, on NBC, would speak of “the German Democratic
Republic” — meaning, Communist Germany, East Germany.
He would say it over and over, as if in love with the very sound
of the phrase.
When free people
abet the lies of oppressive regimes, the truth has to fight all
the harder.
One
more Cuba item: A reader contributes a perceptive letter:
“Over
the years, I’ve found that one of the most foolish things journalists
say about Castro, among many, is that he’s ‘outlasted’
any number of U.S. presidents. Worse, they often say it with a kind
of perverse admiration, a kind of ‘Don’t underestimate
this guy, he’s outlasted eight U.S. presidents’ attitude.
Well, totalitarian dictators tend to last, yes. U.S. presidents
participate in free elections (and I don’t think Castro is
term-limited). Journalists like to use this one for other despots
as well, like Saddam Hussein. Saddam ‘outlasted’ George
H. W. Bush, right? The Iraqi people had no say in that.
“When
Castro finally kicks it, how many times will this garbage be parroted,
about ‘outlasting’ all those presidents?”
Many, many
times, my friend.
I
am disappointed — bitterly disappointed — to hear White
House and Republican spokesmen say, when confronted with a charge
about the 2000 election, “It’s time to move on, the country
long ago was ready to move on,” etc. This is Clinton language.
“Move on” is Clintonspeak for, “Yes, you’re
right and we’re guilty, but we don’t want to address the
subject, and don’t you look silly for obsessing?”
Republicans
must not engage in this. When challenged or needled about
the Florida post-election, Republicans should patiently reiterate
the facts, which are very much on the GOP side. These matters aren’t
like milk — they don’t have expiration dates. To use this
“move on” nonsense is to appear to concede something,
or to duck something: and, given the history of Clinton, that is
an asinine thing for Republicans to do.
A
headline in the New York Post the other day said (in classic
tabloid fashion): “Dropout Shocker: 30% Don’t Graduate
HS” (meaning, high school).
In a strange
way, I was sort of relieved by that headline: I’d been under
the impression that everyone graduates, that schools just
pass everyone on, no matter what they know, even if they’re
illiterate. I thought that dropping out was a thing of the past:
Why drop out, when the school will give you a diploma for nothing?
A very weird
reaction to a very sobering headline, I grant you, but there it
is.
This
is a subject we were supposed to get off, but I’ll continue
just a wee bit. I suggested that “pro-choice,” meaning
to be in favor of abortion rights, was the greatest lexical feat
in politics. Someone else said: “No, it’s Karl Marx’s
term for a free economy: ‘capitalism.’” I conceded
that that was the all-time champeen, bar none.
But still others
want to play. Someone suggested “Star Wars,” for missile
defense, and that is, of course, an oldie but goodie. “Star
Wars” came out of Ted Kennedy’s office, and I believe
that the ghost and attack dog Bob Shrum coined it (though this has
not been established). It is one of the most underhanded things
ever done, of course: A missile defense is meant to defend against
nuclear attack. “Star Wars” implies something totally
different. And wasn’t Reagan supposed to be the Hollywood president,
obsessed with movies? And here the Democrats pinned a frivolous
and misleading movie label on a subject of utmost seriousness: on
a matter of life and death, really.
Remember the
bumper sticker “Don’t militarize the heavens!”? I
think it was required on every Ann Arbor car, along with “Think
Globally, Act Locally,” “Hands Off My Uterus!,” “U.S.
Out of El Salvador!,” and so on. I am convinced that “Star
Wars,” as a derogatory term, set back missile defense in this
country by a considerable amount.
Still another
reader brought up “reproductive rights” (for abortion):
nice, especially with the alliteration and all, but not terribly
effective. (Still, Democratic and some other politicians love it
— anything to keep from having to utter the word “abortion.”)
(If an abortion is not so bad — if it just removes a meaningless
blob of protoplasm — why stay away from that word, any more
than one would stay away from “appendectomy”?)
Another reader
writes, “How about the word ‘adult’ to describe pornography
(as in ‘adult bookstores,’ ‘adult entertainment,’
etc.)? ‘Adult’ used to mean something to aspire to: Shakespeare
and Mozart, for example. If a city has to allow pornographers to
do business, why not take the word ‘adult’ away? Force
them to use terms that convey truth in advertising, such as simply
‘pornography,’ or ‘smut.’”
Last, a reader
says, “Don’t forget ‘homophobe.’ This is a classic
case of a word invented to further a social cause, whether it is
accurate or not. ‘Homophobe’ is an epithet that says,
‘What you say is unimportant, because you say it only because
you hate homosexuals, and you hate homosexuals only because you’re
afraid of them, and you’re afraid of them probably because
you’re afraid of your own homosexual tendencies.’ That’s
a lot of attack wrapped up into a single word. No wonder almost
everyone even thinking of criticizing homosexual practice
or homosexual politics in any way begins by saying, ‘I’m
not a homophobe’ — which of course only gives undeserved
legitimacy to the word and further establishes it as an epithet
to be avoided at all costs.”
Let’s
end with a most amusing letter. I described the other day the Our
Town currently playing in New York that uses a 9th-grade girl
as the Stage Manager (and narrator) because, according to the director,
no one is interested in hearing what “an older white male”
has to say.
A reader tells
me:
“This
reminded me of a local production of Peter and the Wolf I
saw two weeks ago. The voracious wolf ate the duck, as he would,
but when it came time for the Russian soldiers to dispatch him and
hang him upside down from a pole with his bloody tongue lolling
in the dirt, Peter was made to intervene, shouting, ‘Don’t
shoot! Don’t shoot! Just tie him up and help me take him to
the zoo!’
“I’m
trying to cut back on the number of things I become enraged at on
any given day, but meddling with the intentions of an author of
a perfectly good and illustrative story does it for me every time.
Luckily, the narrator inadvertently made the situation humorous
by bobbling his lines. ‘Don’t shirt!’ he shouted
(shirted?) at the critical moment. He was an older white guy, but
I think he might be excused: The rule is that audiences won’t
cotton to lectures from white men unless they’re mental defectives
(viz. Forrest Gump, Rain Man, I Am Sam, Awakenings,
any film starring Robin Williams, etc., etc., etc.) And I think
he was distracted by the American Sign Language lady next to him
translating the story for all of the deaf people listening to the
symphony. They can really flail during the shouting parts. Not that
they are distracting, don’t take me wrong! I think a wildly
gesticulating person with a spotlight on her is a definite improvement
to any performance!
“A zoo
in the Siberian forest! And lest you think that wolves are higher
up in the PC pantheon of preferred pets, the narrator assured the
audience that the duck was not only still alive, but quite happy,
and could plainly be heard quacking in the wolf’s tummy. Inexplicably,
she could also be seen dancing at the back of the stage during the
final scene. No harm, no fowl, excuse the pun. I was confused, and
my 10-year-old son was disgusted. To get him to the symphony, I’d
promised him a positive body count.
“We now
have a new PC Gone with the Wind, a Morte d’Arthur
with Morgana as the good guy, a new feminist Holy Bible (‘Jesus
wept. Verily, his feminine side was revealed’). What’s next?
Atticus Finch as the child molester and Boo Radley as the protagonist?
Gatsby giving away all of his filthy money to fund AIDS research
in Africa? Thucydides’ history of the intervening peace between
the Peloponnesian wars? Castro as the heroic savior of an oppressed
people? Oops, as you reported, Oliver Stone is taking care of that
one.
“Thank
you for much enjoyment.”
No, thank you.
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