October 17, 2003, 9:04 a.m.
Undies to the maid, knocking the old exterminator, Castro and the Red Sox — and more

Start with something frivolous? Okay. I picked up a little item about Ali Wentworth, wife of George Stephanopoulos. According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, Wentworth discovered that she was with child two weeks after she and her husband returned from their honeymoon. Said the bride, "All the lingerie I got at my bridal shower, I've never worn. I gave it to my maid."

Uh, I just want to say that all rich ladies, as far as I know, give stuff to the maid — it's the right thing to do. But it's just sort of funny — a teeny bit — to talk about it! In public!

That's all.

As regular readers may know, I collect slams against Tom DeLay for his having been an exterminator before going to Congress. People get the biggest kick out of this — the biggest kick out of his former profession. Certain Republicans used to sneer at Truman as a haberdasher; Democrats sneer at DeLay to beat the band.

The most egregious instance was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's mockery of DeLay — on foreign soil. She was in Australia when she ridiculed a point that DeLay had made — perfectly correct — namely, that the Constitution allows for the impeachment of judges who abuse their powers. She said, "Mr. DeLay is not a lawyer but, I am told, an exterminator by profession." This provoked great yuks in the house.

Well, I received the other day a cartoon by our old friend Don Wright of the Palm Beach Post. It has DeLay in what looks like combat gear. The first panel says, "For Tom DeLay, criticizing the war is treason." (Untrue, of course, but never mind.) The next panel: "That's because he knows what it's like to be in combat . . ." Next panel: ". . . having spent much of his life . . ." Final panel ". . . shooting bugs." In this panel, the figure is blasting at something on a twig and saying, "Hasta la vista, beetle."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

On people like Ginsburg and Wright, I can only wish . . . a houseful of termites. Or an underwear-drawerful or whatever.

Wasn't there a time when Republicans were class snobs? Must have been before I was born. But I have read about it!

You might say I'm stretching it, but I believe that Elizabeth Edwards, wife of candidate John Edwards, has gone negative . . . against First Lady Laura Bush! She said, "My dad was a Navy pilot for 30 years, so I grew up basically in airports all over the world. . . . Someone asked me one time — ABC Radio — they said Laura Bush had her mother-in-law to teach her how to be First Lady. . . . Having lived in the military overseas, I was taught that every time I walked off the boat I was an ambassador for my country . . ."

Okay, 'lizbeth! You don't need no former-First-Lady mother-in-law to teach you how to be First Lady! (And may you never get the chance.)

Speaking of Democratic candidates: Gen. Wesley Clark, who is sort of a hoot to listen to, said, "When you're working leadership [those were his words as reported], it's not really about programs and budgets and policies. What the American people want is they want the opportunity to believe, to participate."

Well, it's sort of "about" programs, budgets, and policies . . . isn't it?

Glorious Gloria Estefan was interviewed in Newsweek and asked, "Would you do a show in Cuba?" She answered, "In a free Cuba, most definitely. That is [my] one dream, really, professionally. Hopefully I won't be too old to do it. Hopefully I won't be in a wheelchair, wheeling around the streets of Havana. Who knows with this guy? Not in a Communist Cuba, because, first of all, they wouldn't let me in."

That's for sure.

I loved something reported by Roll Call. Rep. Rahm Emanuel — the ex-ballet dancer and former Clinton aide — had T-shirts made up mocking the Bush administration's request for $87 billion to be spent on Iraq. (Don't ask — about the T-shirts.) Stuart Roy, a spokesman for Rep. DeLay, quipped, "We gave America a liberated Iraq and a deposed terrorist dictator, and all we got from the Democrats was this lousy T-shirt."

Nice.

Speaking of ballet dancers: Two young members of the Cuban National Ballet have defected, in Florida. (For the Miami Herald story — complete with winsome photo — please go here.) They were to dance in Don Quixote — but they got away while the getting was good. According to the Herald, "the company's tours through the United States and Europe inspired" the pair to defect. Said one of them, "I began to see how people around the world live, what their individual capacities can achieve in an atmosphere of freedom."

For this pair — who are boyfriend and girlfriend, and who have a chance at a new life — rejoice.

By now, you have probably heard about the lovely words of Mahathir Mohammad, the leader of Malaysia. He spoke them at the powwow of the Organization of the Islamic Conference, held in his country. As CNN.com reported, "In a blistering attack, Mahathir said Jews ruled the world and got others to fight and die for them, but added that they would not be able to defeat the world's 1.3 billion Muslims." Said Mahathir, "We are actually very strong — 1.3 billion people cannot be simply wiped out. The Europeans killed 6 million Jews out of 12 million. But today the Jews rule the world by proxy. They get others to fight and die for them." Again, CNN.com: "Mahathir called on Muslims to emulate the Jewish response to oppression, arguing the Jewish people had 'survived 2,000 years of pogroms not by hitting back, but by thinking.'" More Mahathir: "They invented socialism, communism, human rights, and democracy, so that persecuting them would appear to be wrong, so that they can enjoy equal rights with others."

Ladies and gentlemen, this man, Mahathir, was a big star at the Davos conference last January — maybe the biggest star, next to Lula da Silva, the Castro-adoring president of Brazil. Mahathir is supposed to be a Great Muslim Moderate, and you should have seen the Western journalists swooning over him! They (and others) kissed his boots everywhere he walked. And you see what he is, from his performance this week.

On the other hand, Pakistan's Musharraf — at this same Malaysian powwow — covered himself in glory, as far as I'm concerned: "We stand at the crossroads of our destiny. We have to decide whether militancy, extremism, and confrontation will lead us to our emancipation, or whether a focus on our social economic well-being will benefit us."

More like it — but Mahathir, no doubt, is more popular. With everybody.

A reader sent me the following item out of Washington State: "Gov. Gary Locke's trip to China bore its first fruit Monday with news that a Kent-based printing-press maker signed a contract worth $11 million a year with the People's Daily newspaper, the Communist Party organ."

Go capitalism (or something)!

Although we conservatives whine a lot — and whine correctly — that the media are stacked against us, we at least excel in the field of talk radio: and we do so, of course, in part because we have been disadvantaged in other media. El Rushbo is sidelined for a while, but he will be back with a bang, I feel sure. Meanwhile, I'd like to tell you — or remind you — that Glenn Beck has a book out: The Real America . Glenn is a radio commentator who kicks [supply your own term here] and takes names. He is a happy and tireless warrior who makes this country a better — and more diverse — place. Long may he wave.

Get a load of this, y'all. A reader writes, "Below is an excerpt from a book entitled The Long Ball by Tom Adelman. Please pay particular attention to Castro's thought in the second to last paragraph."

And here is that excerpt — and note the timeliness!

Senator George McGovern flies to Cuba, by way of Mexico City, for an unofficial meeting with Fidel Castro. . . . [The talk turns to baseball.]

"Mister President," McGovern asks respectfully, "you know of Luis Tiant?"

"The father, or the son?"

"Ah, well. Interestingly, Luis Tiant the son has named his own son Luis Tiant, so there is actually a father, a son, and a grandson."

"Three Luis Tiants." Castro strokes his beard. "Interesting." He knows about the two pitchers named Luis Tiant, of course. Both are cunning, nervy hurlers, with a wide assortment of pitches and a sporadic fastball used to fine effect. Castro himself was a pitcher with a fairly good breaking ball, before he overthrew Fulgencio Batista. Secretly, Castro still follows American baseball. He can recite Tiant's statistics with Boston; he knows them so well that he's even been heard to argue how the shape of last year's Red Sox season provides the clearest model for the imperial destiny of the United States: the early brilliance, the promising middle, and the inevitable decline — this is how 1974 went for the Red Sox, and this is what one sees already occurring in the United States, the decline in agriculture and trade, the rotting urban centers, the crime, the poverty, the hunger, the smog, the student uprisings, the race riots, the class warfare. The loss of Vietnam will travel back home and soon the empire itself will be lost in revolution.

"I have a letter here," Senator McGovern says. He hands across an envelope.

"Castro glances at the return address. It comes from Edward W. Brooke, the junior senator from Massachusetts. Castro opens it, quickly scanning the letter.

". . . writing . . . matter of deep concern to myself and one of my constituents, Mr. Luis Tiant . . . impossible to predict how much longer he will be able to pitch . . . hopeful that his parents will be able to visit . . . to see their son perform . . . not had the chance to spend any significant time with them for many years . . . such a reunion would be a significant indication that better understanding between our peoples is achievable . . ."

Castro studies it pensively. He folds the letter with care, returns it to the envelope, and places it in his breast pocket. Good news is so infrequent, he thinks, and they have so little to look forward to, these desperate Americans. He feels a keen pity for the followers of the Boston Red Sox. "Well," Castro responds after a time, "let me check on it."

The next afternoon, by way of opening their first major policy discussion, Castro announces that the request made by Senator Brooke will be granted. Tiant's parents may go to Boston and stay as long as they wish. He hopes the gesture will bring a little pleasure.

"Jay, I read [Tuesday's] Impromptus and your reader's story about the student who was wearing a shirt with the letters 'CCCP' and the hammer and sickle emblazoned across the front. I have a similar story, but one that caused me a good deal more discomfort:

"My youngest brother (who has been a rock-solid conservative and committed anti-Communist since he was about eleven) studied Russian history and language in college. He was also an art major, and found Soviet visual propaganda to be funny and 'over the top.' After he bought his first house, he framed a few over-sized Soviet propaganda posters that he had picked up during his trips to Moscow and hung them prominently in his living room and kitchen. While I don't recall the slogans, the posters pictured Lenin and/or workers in industrial and/or agricultural settings celebrating revolutionary victories. The posters had the usual red background, hammer and sickle, star, etc. I believe he acquired the posters shortly before the fall of the Iron Curtain, but I'm not sure. I didn't think much of it — his sense of humor was always a bit odd. I just thought his displaying these posters was kind of cute, and a little dopey.

"I subsequently dated (and married, almost twelve years now) a Russian and Jewish girl who had come to the U.S. to study music during the Gorbachev era. During our courtship, I took my wife over to my brother's house for dinner. I had forgotten about the posters. Well, she had a very different reaction to the posters than I did — namely, shock and horror. My wife was not pacified after my brother explained that the pictures were on the walls because they were kitschy and funny. She didn't make a scene, but did let me know that she was extremely uncomfortable in that house. I then realized (too late) that I had been brainwashed from years of liberal education into not equating the horrors associated with the hammer and sickle with the horrors associated with the swastika. My wife forgave the offense, but she still recalls the incident with distaste. The posters were eventually taken down."

"Dear Mr. Nordlinger: I grew up in the Soviet Union, and came to the States in 1988. I abhor the Soviet system, its bloody history, and its denial of all human rights to its citizens. I see myself as a rightish libertarian who stands in direct opposition to all things Marxist and Soviet.

"And yet I have on the wall behind me an old Soviet banner with Lenin's image on one side, and the Soviet coat of arms on the other (I flip it every so often). Also, living in Chicago, I find myself wearing a classic heavy Soviet winter hat with the coat of arms.

"I'd like to point out that this is not a contradictory behavior that only I exhibit. I know of many other former Soviet citizens who live happily in the U.S., are patriotic, who believe in the general principles of capitalism, and who still have Soviet propaganda on their living-room walls.

"I am not sure what the explanation for this is. Perhaps it has something to do with the thorough Soviet destruction of cultural icons, traditional heroes, and the religious aspects of life. A Soviet immigrant in the U.S. does not associate himself with his own traditional Russian culture — we missed out on a lot of culture. As for Soviet art with which we grew up, we remember most clearly the magnificent red banners stretching over the fronts of buildings. And though they carry words we now laugh or cry at, but have never believed, they are nevertheless a part of us. On our walls, these symbols are somehow nostalgic, and they remind us of where we are, and where we came from. We believe these symbols to be dead.

"One of the more popular banners used to read 'Lenin Lived, Lenin Lives, Lenin Will Always Live!' I would put that up today as a sign for people to read, consider, and smile at, knowing that all that is gone; that the good guys have won."

"Dear Jay: I own a Nazi belt buckle but have no fear of its being viewed as implicit support of Hitler and his program. Why not? Because my grandfather shot the Nazi colonel he took it off of before he gave it to me. I also have a Soviet military watch and a Mao bust. I have no problem with these items, because we won! Sure there is some last-ditch action in the universities and in China, Cuba, and other places, but the system has had its back broken and time will see them wither and die (not that we don't need to remain vigilant). Collecting items from the ash heap only cements our victory by turning these things into curiosities."

Here I will interject that, when a good friend of mine traveled to the Czech Republic this summer — she is Czech-born — I asked her to bring back to me a little Communist kitsch: some symbols of the old order. She did so, but she said it was a great challenge — a mental and emotional challenge. "These pins for you burned holes in my pocket as I was traveling back." She was glad to hand them over, so as not to have them on her person. She was a little bit perplexed at my desire to have them — but now that the Reds are dead (there, in that part of the world), we are perhaps allowed to collect their little trinkets and laugh at them.

But still: I can see how, for many, these symbols would be no laughing matter, no matter how dead Communist rule is.

"Dear Mr. Nordlinger: I'm a college student, but I spent this past summer teaching English at an immersion program in Karaganda, Kazakhstan. If only more people in general, but especially those my age, would do the same! Your thoughts on living for a time abroad were right on, though the people there were unexpectedly friendly. Very friendly.

"Your mention of the Soviet stars reminded me of something. While I was in Kazakhstan, I would see a lot of the Russians (KZ is about 40 percent Russian) wearing red shirts with a yellow or white 'CCCP' across the chest. I would also see, often walking alongside of and in deep conversation with those very same Russians, Kazakhs wearing T-shirts that were entirely made out of an American flag silkscreen.

"It's probably worth noting that both shirts are made in China.

"I asked some of my students about it, and received quite a shock. Many of the Russians see the Soviet-era symbols in terms of national pride, or as the remnants of some lost legacy. One 'American Studies' major (don't you love it?) actually compared it to the South and the Confederate flag!

"Most of the Kazakhs, though, were unfriendly to the hammer and sickle. They said that they're still dealing with the remains of Russian rule . . .

"I'll be honest: Even though I'm one of the few conservatives on my campus, I never realized how deep the evil of the Soviet Union was until I actually went there and saw what they did. If only more people my age would step outside America and take a look around, and see how special
this country really is . . ."

"Mr. Nordlinger, I'm a Fulbright Scholar in Berlin and those CCCP T-shirts are for sale in little stands on every nearly street corner. We also have a charming little cafe called the Koffein Kombinat (Caffeine Collective) where T-shirts with the red stars are sold. Sure, there are some idiots who miss the old days, but I get such a kick out of the capitalists making a profit at their expense — the shirts cost at least $15. The buyers apparently don't see the irony, but I laugh every time I see one."

And finally, a brief missive on a completely different topic: "Jay, I teach Freshman Composition at a small New England college. My students have been examining an op-ed about the California recall. In a summary of the article, one of my students produced what I would have to classify as a brilliant blooper: 'Furthermore, the author discusses the accusation that Schwarzenegger is anti-semantic . . .' How many layers of irony does that contain? It's a beaut."

A beaut indeed!

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