December 08, 2003, 8:54 a.m.
“Happy Holidays,” “Murder, Inc.,” sex in the classroom (yawn), &c.

You may recall that I ended my previous Impromptus with, "Don't even get me started on 'Happy Holidays.'" Yes, it's that time of year again, when "Merry Christmas" seems practically verboten, and everything is "holiday," "holiday," "holiday." The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is officially called the Capitol Hill Holiday Tree. Gag me with a spoon, as people used to say, way back when.

A reader sent me something treasurable, and typical. He quoted a memorandum of his company, which said, "[Company X] observes the following holidays." Listed then were "New Year's Day," "Presidents' Day," "Memorial Day," "July 4th/Independence Day," "Labor Day," "Thanksgiving and the Day After," and, get this, "December 25th." The company couldn't bring itself to utter the C-word. Maybe they thought it was unconstitutional or something. We're lucky that they actually said "Thanksgiving," as I have noticed — and remarked in Impromptus — that Thanksgiving is being replaced by "holiday," too.

Would you do me a favor, readers? If you have an interesting story regarding "holiday" and "Christmas" and the like, would you e-mail me — at jnordlinger@nationalreview.com — to tell me about it? I'd like to do a little compilation.

Bless you, and happy holidays (just kidding).

Attended the other day a memorial service/concert for Harold C. Schonberg, the late, great music critic of the New York Times. A speaker was telling of Schonberg's early years, and mentioned a mentor of his in college. The professor, we learned, had to leave the college in disgrace, however, because . . . and here we are all on the edge of our seats, waiting to learn the horrible offense . . . because he had "informed." This was "the McCarthy era."

The intake of breath in this little auditorium was, well, breathtaking. It was the worst imaginable offense, of course. Something like child molestation would have been much easier to bear. Far, far worse, in a certain mentality, than serving the Communist party, or Stalin, or all that mass murder and wreckage, was "informing."

You know all this, readers, but I thought I'd relate this little moment anyway.

You'll be pleased to know that Murder, Inc., the rap-record company, has changed its name — to, simply, "The Inc." The company's founder told a press conference, "People have been focused on the negative energy of the word 'murder.'" You don't say? "Negative energy"? And Russell Simmons, the hip-hop mogul, said the name change was necessary to "get you all off [the company's] a**." "You all" meant fuddy-duddies who might have been focusing on the negative energy of the word "murder."

Me, I sort of liked the original name — by their names, you should know them. A company that produces a product that routinely celebrates murder, rape, and other crimes should have a forthright name. Truth in advertising, and all that.

More on the culture beat? The latest cause célèbre at NYU — that would be New York University, for all you squares — is the right of students to make sex films, live in the classroom. A girl named Paula Carmicino is a First Amendment hero, or martyr, because she wanted to make such a film in her class, and the administration — not the teacher, the administration — said no. Said a spokesman for the school, "Someone give me a list of universities that allow sex acts in the classroom. We're not going to be the first."

Extreme squareness in Washington Square. Oh, the right-wing, troglodyte horror!

Have you gotten a load of Gen. Wesley Clark? I mean, the most recent load? He told a synagogue down in Florida that he had seven Jewish cousins living in the state. He said, "I'm so proud of my Jewish family and Jewish heritage that I just had to share it with you." Did you know he was Jewish? Me neither. Sounds like one of those Hillary things. According to the Miami Herald, Clark said that, when he learned that his father was Jewish, "I was overjoyed and thrilled and happy." Yeah, I'll bet, General. I believe the ol' boy (or should that be "goy"?) doth protest too much.

Clark may be the phoniest presidential candidate in modern history, which is saying something. He makes his fellow Arkansan, Bill Clinton, seem like Joe Authenticity.

This is à propos of nothing, or maybe just a little something — comes from an article in the New York Post. A girl, a probable prostitute, was arrested for driving a stolen car (and running over the toes of an NYPD officer, by the by). Her name is Channy Singh-Gomez. Check that last name, Singh-Gomez. Only in America — glorious, melty-melty America.

I love it (not the criminal part).

Last week, I was looking at a photo of Dick Gephardt in front of a huge, huge American flag. And it occurred to me that all the Democrats are surrounding themselves with these flags. It's almost vulgar. Remember when Al Gore gave that deranged, radical-fringe speech before MoveOn.org? There were about a thousand flags on that stage with him.

No big deal, but then I see a cartoon by some lib, reprinted in Newsweek, and it's got a guy saying, "Mr. President, they say you're wrapping yourself in the flag to avoid criticism," and a voice from inside an American flag — you can't see any person — says, "Baloney."

Ha, ha, ha. That's Newsweek's idea of a real knee-slapper.

Thing is, no one ever faults the Democrats for their jingo displays. Curious.

Referring to the Democratic-primary schedule, Sen. John Edwards said, "This calendar is perfectly structured for John Edwards to be the nominee." I thought, "Uh-oh, another candidate who refers to himself in the third person — just like Bob Dole."

Care for a little mail? In my previous column, I said I didn't like the use of the words "collaborators" and "resistance," to refer to Iraqi patriots and the Saddam remnant, respectively. A reader writes, "How about 'occupier,' 'occupation,' and all the rest of it? We are liberators, not occupiers. We performed a liberation and we are there, temporarily, as the liberating power or force." Yes, but all occupations aren't created equal. Still, I know exactly what the reader means.

An Australian reader says, "You know, Australia is an active ally in more than just Iraq and Afghanistan. Prime Minister Howard had this to say about the Kyoto treaty in Parliament today: 'I'm not going to be party to something that destroys jobs and destroys the competitiveness of Australian industry.' Pithy. Precise. Accurate. Damning."

You betcha.

I commented last week on the amazing and illustrative fact that the late Larry Tisch, the mogul, had his number and address listed in the phone book. Readers wrote to say that at least two others — former Arizona governor Rose Mofford and Ohio State coach Woody Hayes — had their numbers listed. (I would add Millicent Fenwick, the late congresswoman, and a lot of other things.)

Quite cool.

A reader caught me out on something. I believe I wrote "Screw 'em," and then noted that I did not say anything worse, as mine was a family-oriented column.

So this guy says, "My dear Mr. Nordlinger: In the 12/1 Impromptus, wouldn't it have been more 'family-oriented' to say 'Forget 'em'? I found it amusing that in a column where you comment about the way people are changing the use of words that something we once would have considered vulgar at the very least, if not obscene, you offer up as suitable for young people. What would your mother have said? :)"

She would have been grateful I said "screw," believe me.

Finally, I had an item, a while back, touching on polkas and Poles, and roughly 1.3 million Poles, or Americans of Polish descent, wrote me to say that the polka is Bohemian in origin, not Polish, and I should have known that, and I'm terribly sorry, and I'll polka my way out of here now.

See you.

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