Helen of “Oy!,” recess time, “Is there a ‘Dr.’ in the house?,” &c.

January 15, 2002 9:30 a.m.

ou have heard what’s happening in New York: They are taking a famous photo of three firemen hoisting the flag at Ground Zero and turning it into a statue, to memorialize the event. But they’re doing it with a twist: The three firemen in the photo were white; the three men depicted in the statue will be black, Hispanic, and white (which is to say, there will be a black man, a Hispanic man, and a white man. How they will make the “Hispanic” man look — handlebar mustache? — is anyone’s guess).

There are a thousand things to say about this, and commentators have said many of them. But I’d like to tee off on a couple of points.

1) This takes America-by-racial-committee to a new, absurd height (or low). This is the America that James Watt was trying to mock when he said, about a particular panel, that he’d arranged for “a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple” — everybody happy?

2) What a stupid country. A country that has time for this kind of racial/ethnic manipulation is a country with way too much time on its hands, and too few problems. Even after thousands of us were murdered a short time ago, we’re still playing these racial, asinine games. The sad fact is that nothing changed post-9/11.

3) Why aren’t black people offended? As a former presidential candidate once said, “Where’s the outrage?” Where are the black Americans saying, “What, are you nuts? You think you’re doing that for me? Don’t you dare suppose that you’re doing that for my sake. Don’t you dare condescend to me in that fashion. How dare you assume that I can’t be inspired by a statue, or act, unless there’s this ridiculous, studied racial ‘balance.’ You think an image has to be falsified in order to make me happy? You think I’m such a fragile child that I need to see someone of my own race in order to get the point, or to feel included, or to be moved? Go to hell. Play your silly games, but don’t you dare do it in my name.”

But no. Instead, quiet. The only people who squawk are a few, pasty-faced right-wingers. It’s one thing for white liberals to ladle this inane political correctness out; but why do black citizens — the intended beneficiaries of this PC — accept it?

4) One of the most racist ideas around for the last many years is the one that says, or implies, that black people can only be inspired by black people. The obverse of this is that white people can only be inspired by white people — and this is an outrage, not to mention racist. We’re told that blacks — black young people, in particular — have a desperate need for “black role models.” You mean, they can’t be inspired by admirable white men? Oriental men? Are we saying — at the same time — that white kids can’t be inspired by Frederick Douglass, or Harriet Tubman, or Martin Luther King?

Several years ago, I did a piece on a Baltimore Symphony Orchestra series that they called “Classically Black” — it was made up of concerts on which black musicians were appearing. Some of those musicians — who were unaware of how they were being marketed (until I told them) — were hopping mad. The best way to stop pandering is for the pandered-to to say, “Cut it out” (or something stronger, as I suggested above).

5) We are obsessed with the physical: with skin color, with hair types, with nose shapes, etc. To manipulate the firemen photo is to say: The spiritual and mental — the higher meaning — really doesn’t matter; what matters is the physical. If the statue doesn’t include a figure with “black features,” how can black people relate to it? And the corollary: If the statue doesn’t include a figure with “white features,” how can white people relate to it?

Despicable.

6) This statue has the New York Fire Department hopping mad. And, as we’ve seen a zillion times, this sort of racial manipulation inflames tensions in our society. Of course, everyone is responsible for his own reaction, his own thought, be it racism-free or tinged with it (or dominated by it); but racial PC is no friend to social harmony.

(I should have noted earlier that the NYFD is almost entirely white.)

7) What if a (true) image of three black men were PC-ed out into a white, a Jew, two blacks, and a cripple (oh, sorry, I lapsed into Watt-speak)?

8) Ach, America: What a stupid country. (Sorry again: That was an earlier point.)

Okay, I’m done now. A conservative friend of mine faults those of us who have reacted this way as having a “Pavlovian” response to such matters. Well, maybe: but America rings my dinner bell, all the time.

All right, my dinner bell is rung again: A reader pointed out the really, really super-cool clothing found at the really, really super-cool Karmaloop, the “Urban Style Boutique.” They have a line called “Fidel,” featuring elements of the Cuban flag. Isn’t that just, like, awesome? I mean, wouldn’t you want to honor and support a totalitarian dictator that way? How it must comfort the boys in the cells to know that their tormentor is so fashionable on the hip streets of America, land of the free, home of the brave!

America: What a stupid country. In my midnight hours, I sometimes wonder whether we deserve (some of us) the liberties we have.

There’s a new book out called Survival Is Not Enough; it’s about business. I was reminded of the Richard Pipes book called Survival Is Not Enough, about the Soviet Union. When I was younger, I thought it was one of the most provocative and stirring titles I had ever seen. (You remember Faulkner’s Nobel acceptance speech, with its theme of . . . well, survival is not enough? When I was a boy, I had a collection of speeches on an LP, which included Faulkner’s, delivered by the great man in that high, strange, so-distinctive voice.) (Okay, enough of Memory Lane.)

Another quick word about titles: The Lord of the Rings is now playing in movie theaters. This is also the title of just about every piece — and maybe a book (I can’t quite remember) — ever written about Juan Antonio Samaranch, the boss of the Olympics (get it? rings? lord of?).

I’m just noting it. With the Olympics coming up, I’m perhaps a little more Olympics-minded than usual (and I am one of those relatively rare birds that think about it even in the off-years).

My colleague Emmy Chang pointed out an extraordinary story from Finland, confirming that Scandinavia is just as backward — certainly economically — as we have feared. Some of us Friedmanite/Kudlovians may complain about our progressive income tax here; but they have a progressive scheme for traffic tickets in Finland. You pay according to your income.

Listen to the wire story: “A director of the Finnish telecommunications giant Nokia has received what is believed to be the most expensive speeding ticket ever. Anssi Vanjoki, 44, has been order to pay a fine of 116,000 euros ($103,600) after being caught breaking the speed limit on his Harley Davidson motorcycle in the capital, Helsinki.

“Police say he was driving at 75 km/h (47 mph) in a 50 km/h (31 mph) zone. In Finland, traffic fines are proportionate to the latest available data on an offender’s income. Mr. Vanjoki has announced he will appeal, because his income has since dropped. Mr. Vanjoki has to pay a fine equal to 14 days of his income in 1999, which was about 14 million euros ($12.5 million). His income had been boosted by large share options, which he cashed in at end of the year. But a newer set of figures — this time without the share options — was published only five days after the incident, and would have resulted in a considerably lower fine.”

In other driving news, a court ruled that, in Idaho, you can drive while stoned. Yep. “You can drive high as long as you can drive straight,” as the Associated Press put it. And what was that court? The notoriously liberal and freaky-deaky 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, in San Francisco.

So we can all be Peter Fonda now, legally.

But back to Scandinavian news for a sec: A survey in Germany found that Norwegians “have the world’s strongest yearning for sex in public places.” Said Reuters, “The survey, by a publisher of romance novels, found that Norwegians were more likely to have sex in public places than any other nationality — 66 percent said they had had such sexual encounters.

“The places where the sex took place included cars, trains, airplanes, beaches, parks, changing rooms, offices, and libraries.

“Australians came in second with 64 percent, Greeks were third at 60 percent, Sweden and Argentina were tied for fourth at 55 percent, while Germany was fifth with 47 percent.”

The Americans, underappreciated and underestimated again. We will have to hold up our end.

As I seem to be in a frivolous mood (after that opening rant): Lisa Bonder — Lisa Bonder Kerkorian, actually — has split from her husband, Kirk Kerkorian, the mogul and billionaire (not to be confused with Jack Kevorkian, Dr. Death — who’s also from Michigan, like Lisa). Kerkorian is 84, Lisa is 36 (just by the by). Lisa is asking for $320,000 a month to raise their three-year-old daughter. She says she needs (for the tot alone) $144,000 in travel, $14,000 for parties, $7,000 for charities, $4,300 for food, $5,900 for eating out (this is a three-year-old), $2,500 for movies, $1,400 for laundry and cleaning, $1,000 for toys, videos, and books, and $436 for pet care (including the care of a bunny, whom reports did not name). Those figures are per month, bear in mind.

Why do I bother about this? Well: I simply want to say that Lisa and I attended the same high school, in Ann Arbor. She will surely not remember me, but, oh, do I remember her. She was a professional tennis player — a wunderkind, a prodigy. And if that wasn’t stimulating enough, she was about — just about — the cutest thing I have ever seen. She was tallish, graceful, gazelle-like; she had a long neck, a small, freckled face, and streaked, kind of unruly hair. Actually, she was sort of goofy-looking — but she was also the soul of cuteness, and we all pretty much melted when she was near.

I’m just reporting/remembering.

Further frivolity: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who played Elaine on Seinfeld, is set to have her own show, called Watching Ellie. This gives me an excuse to make my pet point about Seinfeld: Its greatest flaw, I thought, was that we were all supposed to pretend that Elaine wasn’t an absolute, knockout, ravishingly beautiful babe. We were supposed to pretend that she was just a girl next door, just a friend, just a sister type, one of the guys. No way that could happen in real life. Elaine’s obvious beauty and allure would have complicated everything.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus was way too beautiful for that role.

Is this quite frivolous? Probably not. I’ll rely on Reuters to tell it: “A plaque intended to honor black actor James Earl Jones at a Florida celebration of the life of Martin Luther King instead paid tribute to James Earl Ray, the man who killed the black civil rights leader, officials said on Wednesday.

“The embarrassing mix-up was caused by an error by the plaque’s designer, the owner of the company that ordered the plaque said. It was being corrected in time for Jones’s visit to the Fort Lauderdale suburb on Saturday.

“Over a background featuring stamps of famous black Americans, including King, the erroneous plaque read, ‘Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive.’”

Yikes — I hope that was accidental. You can kind of understand the error: Certain names blend together in our minds. I have trouble telling Leonie Rysanek from Regina Resnik (don’t you?). (They’re retired singers.) And when I was very young — this doesn’t have to do with names, but with personalities, styles, beliefs, public presence — I thought that Archibald Cox, John Kenneth Galbraith, and Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., were more or less the same person.

Finally, a word or two about those charming, truth-seeking ladies from the White House press corps, Helen Thomas and Sarah McClendon. A reader has reminded me of a moment from The Simpsons, a classic moment (but aren’t they all?): “A flashback shows a young Homer sitting in front of his television watching a JFK press conference. The president responds to a question from Helen Thomas by stating, ‘Thank you, ah, Helen, and, ah, let me reply to that question with yet another glib remark.’ Helen giggles like a schoolgirl.”

And how about this, from a military-aviation expert? “I have a story about Sarah McClendon and her questioning of Ronald Reagan during the 1982-83 time frame. At one press conference, she asked him why we needed such a massive military build-up of sophisticated weaponry when the Israelis obviously didn’t need them. I called her later to inform her that the Israelis in the 1973 war did indeed discover the need for sophisticated weaponry (as a point of fact, we were taking jamming pods off our aircraft and sending them to Israel during the conflict). At one point she called Reagan ‘that g**damned old man.’ Somehow she got off on the Vietnam War, and when I tried to explain to her that the Tet offensive (though a surprise and a political defeat at home) was not the kind of defeat she had in mind, she hung up on me.”

See you next week, y’all.