March 29, 2005, 7:58 a.m.
According to Script
By Mark Steyn

EDITOR'S NOTE: This piece appears in the April 11, 2005, issue of National Review, in Mark Steyn’s regular “Happy Warrior” column spot.

The other day, as their latest contribution to the death spiral of American journalism, the Associated Press announced that they would now be supplying newspapers across the country with alternative versions of important stories — in order, as they put it, to “enhance the value of the AP news report to your newspaper.”

“The concept is simple,” the AP explained in a memo to newspaper editors. “On major spot stories — especially when events happen early in the day — we will provide you with two versions to choose between. One will be the traditional ‘straight lead’ that leads with the main facts of what took place. The other will be the ‘optional,’ an alternative approach that attempts to draw in the reader through imagery, narrative devices, perspective or other creative means.”

Imagery, narrative devices . . . Who can argue with that? Big important second-semester creative-writing-course stuff. Can’t get enough of it myself. If I’d been more on the ball, I’d have opened this column with a bit of specific gripping imagery myself. (Note: If you’re reading the “enhanced value” version of “Happy Warrior” that runs in the Pocatello Times-Indicator-Courier-Union-Picayune-Whig-Leader, the gripping imagery may well have been inserted by the helpful editors.)

Anyway, the AP offered a sample of the alternative versions it would be providing. Here’s the traditional:

“MOSUL, Iraq (AP) A suicide attacker set off a bomb that tore through a funeral tent jammed with Shiite mourners Thursday, splattering blood and body parts over rows of overturned white plastic chairs. The attack, which killed 47 and wounded more than 100, came as Shiite and Kurdish politicians in Baghdad said they overcame a major stumbling block to forming a new coalition government.”

Here’s the optional:

“MOSUL, Iraq (AP) Yet again, almost as if scripted, a day of hope for a new, democratic Iraq turned into a day of tears as a bloody insurgent attack undercut a political step forward. On Thursday, just as Shiite and Kurdish politicians in Baghdad were telling reporters that they overcame a major stumbling block to forming a new coalition government, a suicide attacker set off a bomb that tore through a funeral tent . . .” Etc.

Wow. “Day of hope” turning into “day of tears.” I haven’t seen that kind of sparkling prose since Barbra Streisand stood up at that big pre-Iraq Democratic-party gala and solemnly regaled the party bigshots with that Internet-hoax Julius Caesar soliloquy about the drums of war being whipped into the fever-pitch of a double-edged sword. Whoever wrote that should be manning the Fresh Vivid Imagery desk at the Associated Press…

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