Royal Flush
The hapless Windsors.

April 11, 2001 9:25 a.m.

hat hope is there for the rest of us when Queen Elizabeth II struck out in the daughters-in-law department? Here's a mother of sons who holds the keys to the castle and doles out hefty allowances in currency on which her stern countenance appears. She commands all the queen's horses and all the queen's men and yet she winds up with her sons married to women who must make her wistful for the Tower of old.

Altogether it's a depressing spectacle for this mother with her own princes who frets about future daughters-in-law.

Number One Windsor son hooked up with a dim neurotic, number two landed a loony exhibitionist, and now we learn that number three is stuck with an indiscreet opportunist. Princess Sophie, Edward's bride, was caught in a tabloid sting operation trolling for PR clients by dissing the prime minister and dishing dirt on her fellow royals.

Buckingham Palace was so desperate that the secretly taped remarks not become public, a deal was made with the tabloid. Sophie granted an exclusive interview about her married sex life, which ran under the headline: "Sophie: My Edward is NOT gay." Not a happy family moment, but what's a mother to do?

Predictably, the tabloid went ahead and published the embarrassing transcript and Sophie was called to the Windsor Woodshed. After a talking to by the Queen, Sophie announced that she was stepping aside as head of her PR firm. With all her clout, this humiliated mother-in-law ("the poor old dear" in Sophie's words) can only use the royal broom to sweep up after the kids.

My own future daughters-in-law will be holding a royal flush. I can hear it now: "But honey, why do you want to spend this lovely summer day driving 20 miles to see your mom when the children visited with her just last fall?" And I won't be able to call out the fleet.