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December
10, 2002 8:45 a.m.
Hollywood’s
B List Peaceniks Speak Out
A
news parody.
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 ear
President Bush:
We understand that
100 Hollywood actors are about to send you a
letter opposing war with Iraq. As Hollywood's lesser-known luminaries,
we wish to join our colleagues in their plea.
Our primary concern
is that war with Iraq will spill over into other South American countries.
That means our ability to attract agricultural workers will affect the
price of mung beans, alfalfa sprouts, and organic foods generally.
And what are we going
to do with all those tuxedos and wonder bras we purchased — some
by the same people?
Besides, the last
time we went to war with Iraq, it interfered with our Academy Awards'
events. Have you ever tried canceling a Wolfgang Puck-catered event on
short notice? I think not.
And war is always
bad for our industry. The 24-hour news cycle preempts some of us best
programming. The Gulf War forced the premature cancellation of such television
classics as Doogie
Howser, M.D., Blossom,
Hangin'
with Mr. Cooper, and Jake
and the Fatman.
Now, you might think that we're being shallow. But you're wrong. We're
superficial. There's a difference.
We implore you —
please, give peace a chance.
Ciao,
Stretch Jones (The
Head of the Lollypop Guild, The Wizard of Oz)
Yahudi Blowfish (Yeoman Johnson, Fifth Episode, Third Season, Star
Trek)
Lance Fitzpatrick (Gopher's stunt double, The Love Boat)
Lyndon Baines Lipshutz (Key Grip, Smokey and the Bandit III)
Manny Moenjack (Tap-shoe cleaner, Riverdance)
Francisco Franco III (Lead actor, Documentary, The Life and Times of
Francisco Franco)
And many others
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