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 s
has often been remarked, the Washington debate always chugs on,
with no final reckoning, even after pundits and politicians have
been proven brazenly wrong.
What if we
lived in a different world, and those who had taken positions that
in a matter of weeks or days were totally discredited actually apologized
for it?
Such a world
might look something like this:
Al
Hunt to John Ashcroft:
"Wow, John. I'm just really . . . I'm so embarrassed. I mean,
what was I supposed to think? As we determined at the time of your
confirmation hearings, you are a racist — actually scratch
that John, no one is calling you a racist — but you
are at the very least extremely insensitive to minorities. And now
look, despite all that make-nice rhetoric at your hearings, you
have detained minorities. You have to admit John, you just
opened yourself up there. Very clumsy. Totally tone-deaf. Besides
which: Why all these detentions at a time when funding for WIC is
set to experience a drastic shortfall in the out years 2006-2008
(see accompanying chart)? Why all this focus on detaining so-called
'domestic terrorists,' when bin Laden's outrageous soft-money contributions
to the Taliban have been left totally unaddressed by the corporate
fat cats in your own party? Anyway, I checked in with Leahy's staff
just to be extra careful and confirm that you are a dangerous right-winger,
so last week's column was double-sourced, and totally locked-down.
So imagine how I felt reading this week's Newsweek story
about how the 'embarrassing' detentions that I said are a 'fishing
expedition' may have foiled another terrorist attack. What timing!
What's wrong with Leahy's people — they didn't have wind of
this? So, John I'm just really, really sorry — that I was made
to look like an ass."
R.W.
Apple to Don Rumsfeld:
"Ok, I admit it. As November faded into December in Washington
— the crisp, bright blue days seemingly mocking the gravity
of the decisions being made in the corridors of power — I wrote
another 'news analysis' outrageously disconnected from reality.
As Washington groaned under the simultaneous pressures of a war
overseas and a young president transforming himself into something
grander than he ever could have imagined even a few weeks ago, I
hit the Ctrl-Q macro on my computer, and the word 'quagmire' popped
onto the screen. As the scrambling for power and status in this
city obsessed with both proceeded apace — even as F-18s hurled
into the Afghan night half a world away — I filed my story
secure in the knowledge that it didn't have to contain 'news' or
rigorous 'analysis,' because at the Times 'news analysis'
is neither. As lawmakers from both parties struggle to reconcile
their partisanship with the public's expectation of unity at a time
of war, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry I wrote that
Afghanistan was another Vietnam, even as the administration's talk
of backing a splintered and ineffective opposition in Iraq begins
to bear an unmistakable resemblance to the U.S. policy of supporting
the South Vietnamese army back in 1965."
Colin
Powell to Ariel Sharon:
"As I was telling a reporter the other day on background, my
reputation for fair-mindedness and moderation is unquestioned. Just
look at the record. Even better, look at my clips. I was in favor
of moderately bombing the Taliban. I was the one who came up with
the idea that the Northern Alliance should moderately capture Kabul
— surrounding the city, but not entering it. With this unquestioned
reputation, I was just the one to urge Israel to moderately tolerate
terrorism in the cause of ending the cycle of violence and getting
both sides around the negotiating table in a way that would build
trust and understanding and create the conditions for both sides
to give and to take in an atmosphere of mutual respect and goodwill.
After a short cease-fire, of course, of no Palestinian suicide
attacks over a period of seven days. Well, maybe five days. No,
three days — or perhaps just an afternoon (defined as any period
not lasting more than 2 1/2 hours occurring any time from 12 P.M.
to 6 P.M. on a weekday, inclusive of pizzeria and discotheque, but
not bus-stop bombings, as stipulated in Appendix 3 of the
Mitchell/Tenet/Zinni Plan for the Briefest Cessation of Mass Murder
of Israeli Civilians). Because how can you possibly have confidence-building
measures if Israel is still going to insist on complaining about
terrorist attacks, thus undermining trust and understanding and
the conditions for both sides to give and to take in an atmosphere
of mutual respect and goodwill? That my friend, Arik, is the question,
and I'm sorry if these latest murderous attacks have obscured it
for you, but then again not everyone can have my reputation
for fairness and moderation."
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