February 13, 2004, 9:35 a.m.
Looking for Love
Candidate matchmaking.

FROM: MatchMaker@LoveMatch.Com
TO: HotDem@DNC.Com

Thank you for contacting LoveMatch.Com, the Internet connection guaranteed to find you the perfect candidate who shares your "special interests." We've put together a listing of five guys all fighting for your attention. They really want to connect with you, preferably before November 2004.

So please take a moment and look them over, then cast your vote for that very special someone you'd like to share a lifetime with — or at least two consecutive four-year terms.

FIRST NAME: John
NICKNAME: "Frenchie"
BIO: Served in Vietnam; worked in public sector; Is a Vietnam vet; Also has military experience in Southeast Asia; Spent some time in the former South Vietnam; and is a combat veteran (of U.S. police action in Vietnam).

TURN ONS: Checks from corporate lobbyists, botox injections, and wealthy widows with difficult-to-place foreign accents.

TURN OFFS: Wars in the 1990s; people who opposed war in 2003; people who support war now; and annoying nit-pickers who point out these are all the same person.

ROMANTIC FANTASY: Long, lingering breakfasts in bed in the Lincoln bedroom of a certain White House in Washington, D.C., which is actually smaller than the homes he owns now.

FIRST NAME: John
NICKNAME: "LUVS2SUE"
BIO: Has virtually no experience whatsoever, but he's a quick learner.
TURN ONS: Class-action lawsuits and premium hair-care products.
TURN OFFS: Debating, answering questions, being forced to explain what he's talking about.
ROMANTIC FANTASY: Spending a Saturday in Michigan with several thousand transplanted southerners.

FIRST NAME: Dennis
NICKNAME: "ORUStillNIt?"
BIO: "Hey, I'm a single guy, but if I had a date with each and every one of my supporters, I'd have a very busy weekend. Well, half of one, anyway."
TURN ONS: Green-party activists who confuse me with Ralph Nader, women who think 2 percent is a "win."
TURN OFFS: Nit-picky reporters who insist on doing math.
ROMANTIC FANTASY: Being recognized in the lobby of a hotel. By anyone. Anywhere. Ever.

FIRST NAME: Al
NICKNAME: "FightDPowR"
BIO: Declined to respond, threatened lawsuit if we mentioned "Tawana Brawley, Crown Heights, or any quotes involving the word 'Jew'"
TURN ONS: Four-star hotels and deluxe limousine rides in key, early primary states.
TURN OFFS: People who ask how this stuff is getting paid for.
ROMANTIC FANTASY: Any scenario that involves him and the White House is, by definition, a fantasy.

NAME: Howard
NICKNAME: [unintelligible]
BIO: If you're looking for passion, this is your man! And if you're not, you're just some corrupt, corporate sell-out loser. Oh yeah, you don't like hearing it? Well sit down and shut up!
TURN ONS: Red meat. White voters. Blue states.
TURN OFFS: Constantly talking about winning. I mean, what's the big deal about "winning" anyway? Hey, I wasn't talking to YOU! I don't care what you say! I'm NOT gonna win in Michigan, and then I'm NOT gonna win in Washington, and then in Wisconsin...Yaarrgghhh!

ROMANTIC FANTASY: "A bus filled with excited, screaming college kids, the open road before us, and that [expletive] Joe Trippi giving me my $42 million back."

*   *   *

YOU’RE NOT A SUBSCRIBER TO NATIONAL REVIEW? Sign up right now! It’s easy: Subscribe to National Review here, or to the digital version of the magazine here. You can even order a subscription as a gift: print or digital!