TO: DAVID AXELROD “OF EVIL,” c/o OBAMA WORLD HEADQUARTERS, a.k.a. the HAWTHORNE HOTEL, CICERO, ILL.
BCC: Sarah Palin, John McCain, John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, *&^%BUSH!!!#$#, Karl Rove, National Review
FROM: DAVID KAHANE
RE: Meeting with BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II a.k.a. BARRY SOETERO aka BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, JUNIOR, a.k.a. THE TALKING PARROT
PRESENT: Barack Hussein Obama II, Bill Ayers, Bernadine “Thorn” Dohrn, Theodore Gold, Diana Oughton, Terry Robbins, 18 W. 11th Street, Charles Merrill, Kathy “Sausage” Boudin, Cathryn Wilkerson, Chris “Countrywide” Dodd, Barney Frank, Herb Moses, Steve Gobie, Anderson Cooper, Keith Olbermann, Jeff Zucker, Jeff Immelt, Ann Lewis, Andrew Sullivan, Saul Alinsky, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Dolly Parton, Annette Bening, Warren Beatty, William Kunstler, Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, David Dellinger, Tom Hayden, Rennie Davis, John Froines, Lee Weiner, Bobby Seale, Al Capone, Johnny Torrio, Hinky-Dink Kenna, Bathhouse John Coughlin, Richard J. Daley, Richard M. Daley, Bugs Moran, Frank Nitti, Jake “Greasy Thumb” Guzik, Big Bill Thompson, Big Jim Colosimo, Hymie Weiss, Frankie Yale, Anton Cermak, Giuseppe Zangara, Sam Giancana, Judith Eileen Katherine Immoor Campbell Sinatra Exner Kennedy, Jake Lingle, Schemer Drucci, Tony Rezko, Joe Biden, Eliot Ness, Patrick Fitzgerald. And me.
Not to mention a 37-mm anti-tank shell, four 12-inch pipe bombs stuffed with dy-no-mite and thirty blasting caps, plus maps of the tunnel networks underneath COLUMBIA COLLEGE, aka the Alma Mater of THE ONE.
LOCATION: Katie’s Restaurant, Wilmington, Del.
Dear Dave (may I call you Dave, from one Dave to another?): the following is a report of our meeting with our Dear Leader and Teacher, Barack Hussein Obama the Second, Junior, et alia, at the no-longer extant Katie’s Restaurant in a crucial, three-electoral-vote state, which Joe Biden currently represents in Congress, and has since 1972, because nobody else wants to. Transcript follows:
BILL AYERS: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb San Fran…
BERNADINE DOHRN: But what about Castro Street?
BARNEY FRANK: Castwo Street? Castwo Street? Castwo Street? Hwerb? Stweve?
TED GOLD: Thank God we can agree on something. Stop the bombing. Or bomb the stopping. In the meantime: I’m dead, remember?
DIANA OUGHTON: Me, too. But, Ted: fuhgeddaboutdit. Nobody under the age of 95 remembers the Weathermen. Except the people who live in Greenwich Village between Fifth and Sixth Avenues. Or who were stationed at Fort Dix, back in the day.
TERRY ROBBINS: Me three.
18 W. 11th STREET: Me four. Ouch! That new townhouse is really ugly.
CHARLES MERRILL OF MERRILL LYNCH: Hey, that used to be my house!
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II: Present!
KATHY BOUDIN: I went to the Little Red School House in Greenwich Village, and drove the U-Haul during the Brinks’s robbery in Nanuet. I’m like, you know, patriotic! And innocent!! And patriotic!!! Dissent, after all, is the highest form of –
CATHRYN WILKERSON: I’m with stupid. And that was my dad’s townhouse. Do you know how much that place was worth? So don’t look at me, O.K.? I could be sitting on millions today if it hadn’t blown up.
BARNEY FRANK: Every year, I run unopposed in Newton, Mass. — the most patriotic congressional district in America. Who needs democracy when one of your ex-boyfriends works for Fannie Mae? Or runs a male-prostitution “escort service” out of your apartment? Who cares if in 1990 I was reprimanded by the House of Representatives, 408-18, for “reflecting discredit upon the House” and, by the way, fixing 33 of Steve Gobie’s parking tickets? Who cares? Not Newton, that’s for sure. God bless America!
STEVE GOBIE: Barney — call me. I’m in the personals.
HERB MOSES: I’m with stupid, too. And, before that, I was with Fannie Mae! After all, “I am the only member of the congressional gay spouse caucus,” as I wrote in the Washington Post in 1991. “On Capitol Hill, Barney always introduces me as his lover.” We gave Barney $40 grand in campaign contributions — no wonder they call us the folks who put the fanny in Fannie Mae!
ANDERSON COOPER, ANDREW SULLIVAN, KEITH OLBERMANN, JEFF ZUCKER, JEFF IMMELT, ANN LEWIS: Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA JR.: What’s Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?
ME: the Federal National Mortgage Association, and the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation. And you got nearly $127,000 from them since 1989. Like, you know, long before you were a Senator. When you were just a gleam in George Soros’ eye…
BARRY SOETERO: I resent that. Who got more?
DAVID KAHANE: Chris “a friend of Angelo” Dodd. $165 large. But he’s been at it a lot longer than you, Bambi. Right, son of the “Guatemalan lobbyist, corrupt Senator and censured by the Senate Thomas J. Dodd”? Good thing those Senate seats in New England are hereditary, Chris! Otherwise you might land in, you know, jail!
CHRIS DODD: Where’s my waitress sandwich? I ordered the waitress sandwich! Teddy? Who do you have to f–
SAUL ALINSKY; Yay, Obama! Oops, I mean, Lucifer!! No, I mean, Obama!!!
WILLIAM KUNSTLER AND THE CHICAGO “EIGHT” OR “SEVEN” OR WHATEVER: Seventh or Eighth the motion!
THE STATE OF DELAWARE: Three votes for Biden.
THE CITY OF SCRANTON, PENN. — What kind of a name is “Biden?”
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: You know, I kinda like Sarah Palin… She’s smart, she’s accomplished, she’s a woman… Plus, she’s hot. Right, Bill? Don’t answer that.
BILL CLINTON: [Inaudible.]
DOLLY PARTON: I can relate to Sarah. We’re both small-town girls, both Pentecostalists, and we both carry an AK-47. BLAM!
ANNETTE BENING: She’s obviously a very accomplished woman. I’m a Democrat, I’m a supporter of Barry Hussein Junior Soetero Obamamometer the Talking Parrot the Second, but she certainly deserves our respect. Plus, she’s hot. Right, Warren? Don’t answer that.
WARREN BEATTY: [Inaudible.]
BIG JIM COLOSIMO, JOHNNY TORRIO, AL CAPONE, GREASY THUMB GUZIK, BUGS MORAN, FRANK NITTI, SCHEMER DRUCCI, BATHHOUSE JOHN COUGHLIN, HINKY-DINK KENNA, BIG BILL THOMPSON, HYMIE WEISS, FRANKIE YALE, SAM GIANCANA: Who gave those broads the vote?
JUDITH EILEEN KATHERINE IMMOOR CAMPBELL SINATRA EXNER GIANCANA KENNEDY: Hey! Watch who yer callin’ a broad! You dirty, low-down sonofab –
JAKE LINGLE: Wait a minute! I worked for the Chicago Tribune! Just like David Axelrod!! I was a part of the corrupt Chicago media/City Hall/Mafia/Outift/Combination, where reporters got paid off to look the other way until they either got hired by the gangsters, became political consultants or got whacked. Plus, she’s hot.
[Looking at Capone: Sarah, I mean, Scarface. Not your wife, “Fannie” Mae Coughlin Capone… oops….]
ANTON CERMAK: Wham, blam, thank you ma’am. Famous last words: “I’m glad it was me and not you, Mr. President” Yeah, right — it was an honor just to be assassinated. You do know that Zangara was really shooting at me, the Mayor of Chicago, in February 1933, not the cripple-in-chief, who hadn’t even been inaugurated yet, right? Or did that go down the memory hole, too?
AL CAPONE: I resent that, you Bohunk!
GIUSEPPE ZANGARA: Mamma mia!
ANTON CERMAK: Screw you, Scarface. Giuseppe was only five-feet tall and had to stand on a folding chair to fire over Mrs. Cross’s hat here in Miami to hit me and miss FDR. Luckily, they fried his bocce balls after only ten days on Death Row, post my mortem, of course. Americans knew how to deal with criminals in those days: verdict first, then a fair trial. Where was the ACLU when –
GIUSEPPE ZANGARA: Viva Italia!
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA JUNIOR THE SECOND: Is Miami one of the 57 states? Who’s Frank Barney? Is Viva Italia anything like Mele Kalikimaka?
DAVID KAHANE: Psst, Barry — we don’t wish real Americans a “Merry Christmas” any more. Even in Hawai’ian. The politically correct phrase is: “Happy Holidays.” So as not to offend…
BARRY SOETERO: Offend who?
ALMOST ALL: SSHHHHHHHSHHHHHSSSSHHH!!!! This is an honorable campaign!
B.O. PLENTY: I get it, I think. But what if I get elected? As one of my big fans, Bob Redford, says at the end of The Candidate: “What do we do now?”
TONY REZKO: Pay me, you sonofab –
ME: That’s why Joe Biden’s your VP, instead of George Soros.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II: Soros I know. But who’s Joe Biden?
[DEAD SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. THEN -- TWO MEN WITH GUNS BURST INTO THE ROOM]
ELIOT NESS: You’re all under arrest. Book ‘em, Paddy.
PATRICK FITZGERALD: Is Chicago a great town or what?
– David Kahane loves criminal organizations as much as the next guy, which is why he’s been a registered Democrat since Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton and beat the murder rap in both New York and New Jersey. You can turn him in to the FBI at [email protected].