Washington — The stock market is poised to soar today after the release of a report by the Council of Economic Advisers projecting a major surge in economic activity upon President Obama’s reelection in November.
“Recent events demonstrate that after the upcoming election, President Obama will finally have the tools needed to jumpstart a robust economic recovery, with significant declines in unemployment, the deficit and national debt,” the report states. “Until now, the administration’s recovery efforts have been stymied by a simple lack of information.”
Pressed for details, White House press secretary Jay Carney explained, “Until last week, neither the intelligence community nor the Labor Department had told the president and vice president that the unemployment rate’s been above 7.8 percent for the last 44 months. Had they only known, they would’ve taken some kind of action to lower the rate.”
Reached for comment outside a local pharmacy, a grinning Joe Biden confirmed Carney’s assessment. “The economy’s in shambles,” he giggled. “The middle class has been buried over the last four years because the intelligence community and the Treasury Department never told the president and me that we’ve got a $1.3 trillion deficit and $16 trillion national debt. Look pal,” he snarled, “had we known, you can bet we would’ve implemented a recovery plan. But no one ever asked us to.” Aides to the vice president privately admit that he remains bitter after Langley supposedly incorrectly informed him that President Roosevelt went on television in 1929 to reassure Americans about the state of the economy.
“The failure of the Obama administration to keep the president and vice president informed is shameful,” agreed deputy White House press secretary André A. Mitchell. “No doubt Mitt Romney will politicize this. But the good new is we’ve established an advanced new protocol called the ‘Presidential Daily Briefing,’ so from now on, information will get to the president in a timely fashion without having to rely on the Obama administration.”
Approached outside the Romney home — valued at $182 billion — a campaign spokesman expressed criticism. “The White House’s serial lapses border on criminal negligence,” he said. “No one needs to be told the economy’s in horrible shape. This is just another example of the White House passing the buck.” Most observers quickly dismissed the spokesman’s remarks, however, as it’s believed he once met George W. Bush.
In contrast, Reginald Smythe, chairman of the Progressive Historians Association, was impressed. “Imagine what this president could’ve accomplished had he been kept informed by the Obama administration. Of course,” he observed, “This isn’t without precedent. When Morgenthau neglected to tell FDR about the Great Depression, he was left utterly clueless. Same when Stimson didn’t tell him about the war in the Pacific. But, thankfully, with this exciting ‘Daily Briefing’ innovation, President Obama will now be able to solve all our problems in his second term.”