By now all America has heard of the national tragedy that occurred in Missouri. A rogue rodeo clown insulted the dignity of our princeps civitatis, I mean, President of the United States, at the Missouri State Fair. According to Tribune of the People, I mean U.S. Representative, William Lacy Clay, the offending clown threatened the safety of our Nation by showing “hatred, intolerance and disrespect.” This was echoed by provincial deputy governor, I mean state lieutenant governor, Peter Kinder, who “condemned the actions disrespectful” to our President.
The voice of the People has been heard, and already the announcer and president of the Missouri Rodeo Cowboy Association has resigned and the threatening clown banned for life from working in Missouri’s rodeos. Yet, as Censor, I mean State Representative, Steve Webb bravely reminded us, “sometimes apologies just won’t do.” Indeed, the officials of the Missouri Colosseum, I mean the Missouri State Fair, have demanded that the state rodeo association “hold all those responsible for this offensive stunt accountable.”
My fellow citizens, this is not enough. Never before has our Republic faced such a threat to our leader or our national future. Never before has the dignitas of our leading citizen been so violently attacked.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Our national dignity, our national essence, is at risk, not just from the flourides they pump into our drinking water, but from the intolerant underminers of our national discourse.
I’m sorry, I keep getting distracted. No, my fellow free-men, we must act now to save our Nation. We must demand that the Senate, I mean the Senate, learn from their glorious Roman forebears and immediately institute the Lex Obamia Maiestatis, so that such horrific carnage is never visited upon our President again, by rodeo clowns or any other social parasite.
Only by strangling the demons of satire, ridicule, and free speech in their pestilential nest will we save the Republic for our children. We must start by banning all rodeo clowns throughout the Nation, just in case any other rogue elements are lurking out there, ready to defile our communal gatherings.
That, however, may not be enough, I fear. We cannot trust the provinces, I mean the states, to do what is demanded by the People. The Senate must again lead by shuttering all State Fairs, lest satire, ridicule, and free speech work their evil impulses on our children.
It will be hard, it will test us. But we must all rise to the defense of our Republic. We shall soon reap the rewards of respect, dignity, and honor – for our President, if not for ourselves.
UPDATE: Our fellow citizens are heeding the call to action. The NAACP has called for the Missouri traitors to be investigated by the Department of Justice and the Praetorian Guard, I mean the Secret Service. Again, that is not enough. The Prefects of the Treasury, I mean the Internal Revenue Service, must also root through the records of the rodeo clowns and their nefarious sponsors. Expropriation of their meager wealth will send an unmistakable message to all who wear greasepaint and cowboy hats.