January 06, 2004, 8:00 a.m.
Live from the Hole!
Post-Saddam-capture TV tie-ins

By Bruce Stockler

The DaVinci Holes. What are those mysterious, shadowy holes hidden in DaVinci's masterworks? What about secret church documents buried 1,100 years ago? How does Baby Jessica McClure, who was trapped in a well in Midland, Texas, in 1987, and visited by President Bush I, tie into all this? And what about actor Kevin Bacon? Join ABC Thursday as we dig up the dirt.

Crossfire: Fire in the Hole. What happens when Michael Moore and Bill O'Reilly go down into the spider hole, mano a mano? Who will come up on top? The Left or the Right? Special preliminary match-up: Hillary Clinton and Ann Coulter.

The Hole in You. Deepak Chopra escorts viewers on an intense inner journey to find the abundance of the universe they have somehow lost or misplaced, even in such a tight space.

Dr. Phil. America's tough love expert explains why "It's Your Hole" and how, once you've made it, you better learn to live inside it.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. The Fab Five transform the impossibly grungy spider hole into a sophisticated yet understated desert retreat filled with light, warmth, and whimsy. Sponsored by Target.

Emeril Live! Mr. Lagasse kicks it up several notches with his spicy, hole-cooked creations for one. Taste the freedom of eating alone, without the noisy distractions of modern life!

Judge Judy. A deposed dictator. Quarreling tribesman. Local snitches. And $750,000 in U.S. currency. Who takes the briefcase?

Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Forget the show trial...an overly smug Saddam Hussein quickly spills his guts when interrogated by the brilliant, bent-over-sideways, all-knowing Detective Goren.

Sex & the City (Final Episode). The girls move in four separate directions after a long discussion about the symbolism of the hole — Samantha explores the hole (she finds a new S&M relationship), Carrie falls in it (she questions her life), Amanda jumps over it (she finally marries Steve), and Charlotte fills it in (she and Harry adopt a baby and move to Long Island).

Al Jazeera Presents: Down the Spider Hole. Fascinating reinterpretation of Alice in Wonderland with Saddam Hussein as Alice, President Bush as the Blue Caterpillar, Osama bin Laden as the Cheshire Cat, Yasser Arafat as the Mad Hatter, and Barbara Bush as the Queen of Hearts.

Larry King Live. Larry's exclusive interview with The Hole: Who is Saddam, really? What's next for The Hole? Did Sean Penn bring any snacks? What's your biggest regret?

NFL Monday Night Football. The helpless New York Giants (4-12) tackle The Hole (0-1). It's certainly the Giants' game to lose. Half-time show presented by Krispy Kreme Donuts.

A Simple Life. Season II: The senior executives responsible for Windows XP, the Federal Tax Code, home appliance instruction manuals and health insurance claim forms are forced to live in the hole with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie...until total peace and understanding is achieved.

Halliburton's "Drillin' The Hole" In '04 Tour. Tiger Woods and top PGA pros compete to score a "One In Hole" for a top purse that the Department of Defense has classified.

Meet the Press. Howard Dean digs his own hole and jumps in, bad-mouthing the war in Iraq all the way down.

— Bruce Stockler is a media-relations consultant and humorist. He is author of I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets.