January 27, 2004, 1:36 p.m.
Dean Does Comedy
An alternative career option for the presidential nominee.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a transcript from Comedy Central's January 26 Daily Show: an interview between the show's host, Jon Stewart, and former Vermont governor Howard Dean. The transcript is taken from National Journal's "Hotline."

[Hotline's] Note: The interview featured Stewart and Dean having a conversation — their actual words are noted with quotes — but being played over the conservation were Dean and Stewart's thoughts. The two recorded the voice-overs, which are noted in italics.

Stewart: "I want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us" [Image pops up over his shoulder of Stewart on the cover of Newsweek, Stewart smiles.]

Dean: "Thank you for the opportunity, unfortunately I don't have that much time." [Image pops up over his left shoulder of Dean on two covers of Newsweek, Dean smiles.]

Cuts to Stewart, where in addition to his one cover, he adds the image of himself on the cover of Cat Fancy.

Stewart: "Obviously, a difficult week in Iowa, wish you could have done better ... you did an interview with Diane Sawyer ... do you consider those damage control interviews?"

Dean: 'Good question, Cronkite.' "Well they are certainly gonna help some..."

Stewart: "How will you control the damage from this?" 'This is going great!!'

Dean: 'You've got five minutes, jackass.'

Stewart: "The media has tried to pigeonhole you as an angry guy."

Dean: 'The press, those no good $#!&%.'

Stewart: "Governor, are you angry now?"

Dean: "Certainly not."

Stewart: "How bout now?"

Dean: "No."

Stewart: "Let's talk issues [long, uncomfortable silence] ... why don't you start?"

Dean: "Health insurance for every single American — we are the only country in the world..."

Stewart: 'Da dum ... I eat buttons.'

Stewart: "Let's talk endorsements — when you found out that Al Gore wanted to endorse you, how bad did you want to get out?" 'I'm on fire!'

Dean: "Actually, I thought Al Gore's endorsement was a good endorsement."

Stewart: "Talk about your position on same sex marriage."

Dean: "We actually chose not to do gay marriage in our state. What we did was to say that every same sex couple could have the same rights as everyone else."

Stewart: 'Mrs. Jon Dean, Mr. Howard Stewart, Howard and Jon Dean, Dr. and Mr. Jon Dean Stewart...' "You're also a doctor, are you a Bill Cosby doctor or a doctor doctor?"

Dean: "I'm a doctor doctor, internal medicine."

Stewart: "If you don't mind, could you tell me what this is ... is this normal?" [Lifts up shirt.]

Dean: 'Man, this guy bruises like a grape.'

Stewart: "I know this is a bizarre way to do an interview."

Dean: "I can't wait to see it. When does it go on?"

Stewart: "On Monday..."

Dean: 'I bet this is going to air in Michigan, and Arizona and Oklahoma and New Mexico ... keep it together Howard, it's only a list of states.'

Stewart: "Our show is a perfect venue to talk to young viewers."

Dean: "I find that young viewers care about things like the environment and renewable energy..."

Stewart: "Younger."

Dean: "People care about green grass and not spending any more money than they..."

Stewart: "Younger."

Dean: "People care about cleanliness."

Stewart: "You know what, can you just jiggle your keys."