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December 10, 2002 8:45 a.m. Hollywood’s B List Peaceniks Speak Out A news parody.

ear President Bush:

We understand that 100 Hollywood actors are about to send you a letter opposing war with Iraq. As Hollywood's lesser-known luminaries, we wish to join our colleagues in their plea.

Our primary concern is that war with Iraq will spill over into other South American countries. That means our ability to attract agricultural workers will affect the price of mung beans, alfalfa sprouts, and organic foods generally.

And what are we going to do with all those tuxedos and wonder bras we purchased — some by the same people?

Besides, the last time we went to war with Iraq, it interfered with our Academy Awards' events. Have you ever tried canceling a Wolfgang Puck-catered event on short notice? I think not.

And war is always bad for our industry. The 24-hour news cycle preempts some of us best programming. The Gulf War forced the premature cancellation of such television classics as Doogie Howser, M.D., Blossom, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and Jake and the Fatman.

Now, you might think that we're being shallow. But you're wrong. We're superficial. There's a difference.

We implore you — please, give peace a chance.

Ciao,

Stretch Jones (The Head of the Lollypop Guild, The Wizard of Oz)
Yahudi Blowfish (Yeoman Johnson, Fifth Episode, Third Season, Star Trek)
Lance Fitzpatrick (Gopher's stunt double, The Love Boat)
Lyndon Baines Lipshutz (Key Grip, Smokey and the Bandit III)
Manny Moenjack (Tap-shoe cleaner, Riverdance)
Francisco Franco III (Lead actor, Documentary, The Life and Times of Francisco Franco)
And many others