April 09, 2004, 7:33 a.m.
For Want of a Nail
Lady Condoleezza on the battle of the Saracens.

Testimony continued today in the parliamentary hearings on the reasons for the defeat at the hands of the Saracens in battle on September 11. Commission member Ben-Veniste reiterated the body's mandate to seek the truth, wherever it might lead.

"Let's not lose sight of the facts. For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. Then the horse; then the rider; and ultimately the battle," he said. "This raises disturbing questions. I want to know how the enemy knew that particular nail was coming out, and why King George did not. That is, if he did not."

The panel heard testimony from Lady Condoleezza, the royal-security adviser. After making brief opening comments, the lady encountered a barrage of questions from panel members. Commissioner Kerrey was particularly aggressive.

"Was the nail missing from the beginning?" he asked, tartly, "Or did it fall out? If so, was it defective? Was the horseshoe faulty? And what about the horse?" He held the dismembered hoof up for emphasis. "What I don't understand is," he continued, before Lady Condoleezza could answer, "if you had been warned about the nail, if you knew about it, or even if there were suspicions, why the hell didn't you take immediate action to secure or replace it?"

Many on the committee have adopted the working hypothesis that the Saracens removed or somehow sabotaged the nail. This theory has been encouraged by parchments issued by Khedive Osama claiming credit for the lost horseshoe. The king's supporters are not so certain, noting that the Saracens also said they had conjured the big wind that blew out all the candles in York several months ago. Yet, the notion is bolstered by the fact that enemy agents had been sighted in the area before the battle. Commissioner Gorelick pressed the witness on this point, charging that they did not shake enough trees.

"We shook the trees in which the Saracens were hiding," Lady Condoleezza said. "But they hold on tightly, it is hard to shake them out. We developed a long-term plan to chop down the trees and stab them, but the battle began before we were able to execute it."

Throughout her testimony, Lady Condoleezza maintained that the nail was not the issue. The problem was that the kingdom had not been on a war footing before 9/11, and consequently security cooperation between the King's men had been uselessly restricted. "We had to get the sheriffs talking to the Margraves guarding the border. But parliament had forbidden it. They could sit together in a pub talking about archery, wenches, or Chaucer's latest — but they could not trade critical information that would help them do their jobs. Forsooth!"

Many view Lady Condoleezza's testimony as a palace response to Richard the Clerk, who testified before the commission last week. The clerk maintains he warned the king about the nail. He recalled vividly going to His Highness with his hair on fire, lit by a Moor hiding behind a tapestry. Richard has served many kings, and developed a reputation for being able to spot a goblin in every woodpile, as the saying goes. While Richard has asserted he had consistently worked to secure the realm throughout his career, others have pointed out that the Saracens had slowly encroached on the Kingdom on his watch. During the reign of bawdy King William, periodic enemy attacks were met with scattered flights of arrows, to no discernible effect. The response plan Richard submitted shortly after King George's coronation — which called for "bigger arrows" — was dismissed as inadequate. Richard was not in the hearing room during Lady Condoleezza's testimony, but stood outside, hawking pamphlets to the crowd of spectators, performing minor feats of acrobatics, and juggling.

His Royal Highness' defenders on the commission point out that since the initial battle the realm has been secure from Saracen attack, and the Khedive and his forces are disorganized and in retreat. But critics contend that this is not relevant to their investigation. They want to know why the king did not respond to the clear and conclusive prognostications that something could possibly happen. "Augury suggested bad humors," Ben-Veniste said. "There was increased chatter amongst the seers. Throughout the realm there was a vague sense of expectation. A crow alighted on the west tower in the moonlight. Given all this, if they didn't know about the nail, they should have." Commission Chairman Kean was less adversarial. "Our charter is not to fix blame. It is to make sure nail loss of this magnitude never happens again." Nevertheless, he did not rule out a follow-on Star Chamber proceeding.

Some have called the hearings a witch-hunt. Others, especially among the more aggrieved families of the men killed in the battle maintain that vigorous witch-hunting beforehand would have diminished the evil hexes that they believe vexed the peasant levies. "Lady Condoleeza is wiccan," one family member declared knowingly. "She is in league with the hoary host. She has the ear of the king. Literally. She keeps it on a gold chain around her neck so she can whisper her bidding to him at great distances." No such necklace was visible during today's hearings.

A high ranking royal vassal voiced the prevailing skepticism in the king's camp. "I really don't think much can be gleaned from this exercise that we don't already know," he said. "The Chicken Little imbroglio six years ago showed us we can't respond to every rumor and theory as if an attack were imminent. It would paralyze the kingdom and render our actual responses ineffective — just like it did then." Madame Henny Penny, former state minister under King William, disagreed. "Our best information was that the sky was falling. We responded with the appropriate defensive measures. Our consequence management teams were ready. Had the sky fallen, we would have deployed more brooms than any previous king had ever assembled."

The pretender to the throne, Jean, Comte d'Beacon Hill, has kept silent on the proceedings. He drew criticism this week for calling the Saracens "as legitimate as Christians, in their way, among their people, when they choose to be," and is said to be conferring with Prince Hamlet of Denmark to develop a more definitive message.

King George, busy leading troops in battle, has also not made comment. However, Duke Donald, the commander of the royal armies, had pointed words today about what he felt was the commissioners' lack of perspective: "Ye Gods! Were we not holding back the heathen horde their estates would be burned, their women enslaved and their heads paraded around on pikes." A spokesquire later clarified that the duke was talking about what the Saracens, not the king, would do to the commissioners.

Hearings will resume with testimony from the most eagerly anticipated witness, Bobo the Blacksmith. His only public statement to date, "I forgot the nail," is considered by many observers to be too simple an explanation for such a complex chain of events. He will appear before the committee, following torture, on Monday.