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great triumphalist shout echoes around Washington these days: The
adults are back in town! The Clinton staff, characterized as ill-mannered
kids in jeans
who
liked to kick back and eat pizza (between back-cracking bonking
sessions) has been replaced by close-cropped, suit-wearing Republicans
who eat with both feet on the floor, and perhaps have sex the same
way, though only at home, after vespers.
Republicans may be enjoying all this self-congratulation, but they
should be aware that there is great danger in presenting themselves
as the party of the glutimus tightimus. Many Americans, including
undecided voters and youngsters forming those crucial initial political
allegiances, don't like Republicans precisely because of this Stiff
Factor. If the new president wants to truly run a big-tent operation,
and perhaps have a chance of actually winning the popular vote next
time out, he should make it clear that there's room for the shabby,
the unshaven, and especially those who recognize that God made suits
for one purpose only: burial.
Great Harm
There is no doubting that the Clinton exit from the White House
has done a great deal to harm the image of casual America. Reports
indicate his departing staff cut phone lines, trashed computers,
planted what the inimitable Drudge calls "porn bombs," and otherwise
left the place looking like Squalor Hollow, Arkansas. All missing,
it appears, was a big flaming bag full of dog crap for the newcomers
to stamp out. One suspects this was no oversight: the chief ingredient,
Buddy Biscuits, have no doubt been scooped up for later resale by
McAuliffe, Inc. (It is also reported that Oval Office carpet samples
are being packaged for those with an interest in cloning the former
president.)
Yet the fact is, the trashing of the White House should not be blamed
on down-dressing staff, but on the Chief Suit himself, Bill Clinton.
Now there was one well-coifed, well-dressed porker surrounded, sustained,
and shilled for by other guys in suits. Did anyone ever see John
Podesta or Sidney Blumenthal in overalls? How about that mob of
lawyers that followed Clinton around like a school of pilot fish?
They wore only the best, though the fine threads could not conceal
the fact that most all of them deserved to be rocketed into the
heart of the sun.
The White House trashing, in fact, should not be seen as the work
of rumpled youth, but as a stellar
| “The
White House trashing is a stellar example of the broken-window
syndrome.” |
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example
of the broken-window syndrome, in which an unattended bit of wrongdoing
inspires an eventual cataclysm of vandalism. Once again, the fellow
who threw the first rock (make that first couple dozen) was not
wearing jeans. It was Bill himself, the guy with the $200 airport
hairdo — the prolific yet immaculate stain-hose who caused
discriminating clothes horses from Hollywood to Park Avenue to swoon
in admiration.
It might also be remembered that Clinton's final legal outrage was
to pardon Marc Rich, another suit-wearing fellow. To finish the
point, none should forget that the greatest monsters of the modern
world wore suits and ties — Mao and Lenin can still be seen
wearing theirs, while Hitler no doubt went up in smoke while wearing
a uniform, the ultimate in coordinated fashions.
Hideous Creature
If the Bush administration really wants to change the Washington
scene (and swell its rolls in the bargain), it should consider distancing
itself from its longstanding image as the party of coat, tie, and
tassel. Rule one might be to outlaw the wearing of bow-ties by anyone
under 55. There is no creature more hideous, at least to real Americans,
than the young right winger in a bow tie. The first reaction is
to slap the guy and say "that's from your dad."
The fact is, most American parents would rather come home and find
their sons picking the lock to the liquor cabinet than gazing into
the mirror while tying a bow around his pretentious little neck.
It is difficult to think of a more grating affectation. If one must
wear a tie, it should be worn in the way Christopher Hitchens wears
his — very loose, never ironed, and otherwise looking as if
it might perhaps be used on off hours to bind the ankles of young
female staffers down at the Institute for Policy Studies.
Similar care should be shown regarding footwear. Once again, young
men in wingtips are an abomination unto the Lord. Ditto for any
man in tasseled loafers. Indeed, most young and independent voters
will flee a tasseled loafer the way their grandmothers would have
fled a cloven hoof. The fact is, for many, many Americans tassels
are to be worn in one place only, and it is not on the foot.
As for a winning sartorial strategy for Republican women —
that's best left to others. It can be said with assurance, however,
that Laura Ingraham once wore a fake leopard-skin miniskirt with
powerful effect, and there seem to be plenty of right-wing vixens
who have no trouble squeezing into uniforms of similar style. If
Nixon's beard once spooked voters into the opposing camp, the strategic
deployment of a few blonde ambassadors might even bring Bill into
the fold.
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