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 lthough
America is being steadily and horrendously homogenized, there do
remain regional differences that
distinguish us one from the other. Some of those differences were
the subject of a recent story by Rich Marin of the New York Times.
Marin, whose talents may one day land him a job at New York's real
paper — the Post — wrote about the deep and abiding
provincialism of Manhattanites. This is an old story; the news peg
for this particular version was that few Manhattanites knew who
Dale Earnhardt (the race-car driver) was. Marin also bemoaned the
fact that New York hasn't created many recent trends, products,
or services — most of which, truth be told, appear to be quite
frivolous.
A certain type of cynic might observe that the author, in the guise
of mourning a deficiency, was actually patting himself and his friends
on the back. There are grounds for this suspicion. In many cases,
stories about the provincialism of Manhattanites are gaudy exercises
in self-congratulation. By this reading, no one in the entire borough
would want to know who Dale Earnhardt was, for people who know that
kind of thing also change their own oil and mufflers, and not only
eat sausage but do so knowing exactly what goes into it. That kind
of knowledge taints a proper intelligence.
It should be said that Marin invites this interpretation by writing
that "New Yorkers take a certain provincial pride in not knowing
what goes on below the Mason- Dixon line, unless you mean C. Vernon
Mason and Dixon Boardman." One can hear him winking as he types,
and almost feel the warm glow that his readers experience as they
are reassured of their primacy. Be that as it may, the story did
serve the purpose of reminding us of our diverse national character.
It also raised an interesting question: Are southerners similarly
provincial, or do they even care what goes on in New York?
The fact is, southerners have the highest regard for the entire
state, and all its residents. The reason, we are forced to admit,
is itself self-serving: New York makes our lives richer than they'd
otherwise be.
Here in Virginia, for example, we have imported a great deal of
garbage from New York, which apparently is nose-high in its own
effluvia. This is not to complain. New York garbage is apparently
of very high quality, so much so that Mayor Rudolf Giuliani once
opined that the South should be very
| “We
were also reminded that New Yorkers, whether they want
to admit it or not, typically look south for their artistic
inspiration.” |
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proud
to be the receptacle for New York's banana peels, disposable diapers,
used syringes, and the odd victim of mob retaliation.
Southerners being southerners, many of us were impressed by the
mayor's pride of place, and he also paid us fairly well. But the
best thing about the trash talk was that it was so entertaining
— and entertainment is New York's most highly valued export.
Giuliani keeps us in stitches. Not long ago, to cite another example
of his comic genius, he called for the establishment of decency
committees to keep sexy pictures out of local museums — while
his mistress cooled her heels in the limo. Few comedians could keep
a straight face, but he was masterful. He's also pretty good in
drag. Our local mayor, by comparison, never wears a dress in public,
and probably not in private either.
Hizzoner's wife is also an entertainer, having signed on to perform
in a theatrical production called The Vagina Monologues.
This apparently is a play about women who talk to their privates,
which we assume is the result of Mrs. Giuliani having a hard time
finding anyone else to talk to since her husband went on the lam.
Our hearts go out to her, but at the same time we see a silver lining.
This production is apparently very popular with the city's brain
sector, which has embraced it as a masterwork of sophistication.
That convinces many of us that, in a pinch, we could probably run
with that crowd.
We were also reminded that New Yorkers, whether they want to admit
it or not, typically look south for their artistic inspiration —
straight south into their britches. Mrs. Giuliani is hardly alone.
Howard Stern, another famous New York entertainer, looks nowhere
else; unfortunately his artistry is not fully appreciated in these
parts, and he was run off the air in Richmond. This remains a source
of great shame for many southerners.
Indeed, southerners have long worried that we have been taking in
a lot from New York while exporting very little. Thankfully, this
deficit was wiped clear recently when two of our most prominent
citizens relocated to the state. One is now the junior senator while
her husband, according to a new poll, stands a firm chance of being
elected mayor. His good fortune is apparently the result of both
moving to Harlem and declaring himself a black man and also pardoning
some of the city's most prominent swindlers just before departing
his former job.
Not everyone is thrilled by these developments. Some New Yorkers
have apparently concluded that the South, in the guise of exporting
some valuable commodities, has instead dumped some toxic material
in the heart of their community. That is a ridiculous assumption.
We are far too dumb to pull off such a stunt, at least on our own.
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