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Real Headline: ‘Justin Bieber wanted for questioning in scuffle’ 
Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s investigators after a photographer complained of being roughed up by the pop star at a shopping center. Sheriff’s Lt. Robert Wiard (ward) says the photographer called 911 on Sunday and complained of pain to his chest. Wiard said the scuffle happened when the photographer tried to snap pictures of Bieber and his girlfriend, teen actress Selena Gomez, after they walked out of a theater at The Commons at Calabasas. . . Who would admit to getting roughed-up by Justin Bieber?
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Katy Perry Pefroms in NYC for Fleet Week 
Katy Perry thrilled a group of sailors in New York on Wednesday by performing a special show in their honor. The singer was the star attraction at an event on the Brooklyn waterfront to mark Fleet Week, a tradition in which military ships dock in a variety of major cities for seven days so the crews can see the sights. . . Well done.
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A Short History of Barack Obama’s Marijuana Use 
A self-selected group of boys at Punahou School who loved basketball and good times called themselves the Choom Gang. Choom is a verb, meaning “to smoke marijuana.” As a member of the Choom Gang, Barry Obama was known for starting a few pot-smoking trends. The first was called “TA,” short for “total absorption.” To place this in the physical and political context of another young man who would grow up to be president, TA was the antithesis of Bill Clinton’s claim that as a Rhodes scholar at Oxford he smoked dope but never inhaled. . . Basically, the article implies that Jeff Spicoli is our president: “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine.”
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WKRP In Detroit: The Great Hot-Dog Drop 
Hundreds of Hot Dogs Fell From the Detroit Sky (David Coates/The Detroit News) Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…a hot dog? Yes, 955 of them of them to be exact. In honor of the landmark American Coney Island restaurant’s 95th anniversary, the restaurant teamed up with Detroit station 95.5 to host a hot-dog hoarding contest at Detroit’s Hype Athletics Facility Wednesday morning. According to American Coney Island Restaurant owner Grace Keros, 955 hot dogs weigh about 140 lbs. That’s 140 lbs of processed meat. Or as Seros affectionately corrects, “hundreds of specialty seasoned Coney Dogs.” Who couldn’t pass that up?. . . “As God as my witness, I thought hot dogs could fly.”
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M.I.T. Scientists Invent Way for Americans to Eat More Ketchup 
Tired of vainly thumping the bottom of a ketchup bottle, trying to knock loose that last inch of condiment? There’s good news: A team of engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has invented a bottle coating that makes ketchup pour as easily as milk. They say it could save 1 million tons of perfectly good but inaccessible ketchup and other food from being thrown out each year — not to mention saving untold hours spent in frustration. MIT doctoral candidate Dave Smith and his team of mechanical engineers and nanotechnology researchers spent the past two months considering, and then solving, the notorious difficulty of pouring thick sauces out of bottles. They invented LiquiGlide, a slippery coating made of nontoxic, FDA-approved materials that can be applied to the insides of food packaging, such as ketchup and mayonnaise bottles, and honey jars. . . Just give these guys the Nobel now.
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Shocker: Bill Clinton Hanging Out with Porn Stars in Monaco 
Bill Clinton just out-Clinton’d himself — posing with two famous porn stars in Monaco moments ago … and one of them’s a real up-and-comer. Clinton’s in a Monte Carlo casino right now for a special “Nights in Monaco” gala event — and several celebrities are in attendance … including Diane Kruger, Joshua Jackson … and a BUNCH OF PORN STARS. The two porn stars on Bill’s arms are Tasha Reign (left) and Brooklyn Lee — AVN’s “Best New Starlet” in porn. . . War on women!
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Dog Bites Man: Iran Navy Saves U.S. Ship from Pirates 
An Iranian warship responded to a distress signal from the US-flagged Maersk Texas, a cargo ship of 500 feet and 14,000 tons, which was besieged by “several pirate boats,” the navy said in a statement reported by the official IRNA news agency. The cargo vessel “was saved by the navy of the Islamic Republic of Iran” on Wednesday, IRNA added. The pirates “fled the scene as soon as they spotted the presence” of the warship. Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,” it added. . . Thanks, pals. . .
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A Senate committee is reviewing Facebook’s problematic stock offering amid questions about whether the bank handling the IPO gave select clients a negative assessment of the company. A Democratic aide to the Senate Banking Committee said Wednesday that members want to know more about the initial public offering. The aide said members of the Democrat-controlled committee want to meet with Facebook executives and regulatory agencies for an informal inquiry. The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the committee’s planned inquiry hasn’t been publicly announced. . . Another after-the-fact investigation which will yield nothing but overly-dramatic speeches during the hearings.
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Rep. Peter King: Obama Admin’s ‘Potentially Dangerous Collaboration’ With Bin Laden Filmmakers 
Republicans are continuing to attack the Obama administration and call for more investigations into allegations that two filmmakers were provided classified information for a movie about the Navy SEAL Osama bin Laden raid. House Homeland Security Chairman Peter King (R-N.Y.) said Wednesday that e-mails released this week showed the filmmakers of a movie on SEAL Team Six had a “potentially dangerous collaboration” with the White House and Obama administration. . . Obama will play himself in the movie and get an Oscar for his dramatic reenactment of “The Gutsy Call”©.
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Gird Your Loins: Egypt Voting For a President Today 
After weeks of fevered debate, speculation and argument, Egyptians went to the polls on Wednesday in the country’s first competitive presidential election, choosing among a dozen candidates spanning the nation’s secular and Islamist traditions after decades of authoritarian rule. With the skies clear and the weather warm, long lines of people queued at polling stations to vote in an election cast as a watershed in their political history. “Rise up, Egyptians,” proclaimed a full-page headline in the largest independent daily newspaper, Al Masry Al Youm. “ ‘Egypt of the revolution’ chooses today the first elected president for the ‘Second Republic.’ ” In the run-up to the ballot, there have been no reliable opinion surveys, nor is there a permanent Constitution to set the president’s duties and powers. But the vote is widely seen as crucial in choosing a leader to influence Egypt’s course for decades to come. About 50 million Egyptians are eligible to vote, and four or five of the candidates are seen as plausible contenders. From the Islamist side, Abdel Moneim Aboul Fotouh has campaigned as a relative liberal while Mohamed Morsi of the Muslim Brotherhood has offered a more conservative vision. Two candidates held positions under President Hosni Mubarak, deposed 15 months ago as the Arab Spring began to stir revolt in many parts of the Arab world — the former prime minister, Ahmed Shafik, and Amr Moussa, a former diplomat and elder statesman. A fifth candidate is the Nasserite, Hamdeen Sabbahy, a poet-turned-populist who is campaigning as a political descendant of the leader of the Egyptian revolution of 1952, President Gamal Abdel Nasser. . . Updates to follow. . .
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