I AM NUMBER ONE!
I didn’t file yesterday because such petty things are beneath someone as Great and Powerful as I. Column? Pheh! Money? Who needs it? Oxygen? Water? These are things that you miserable little creatures consume. Someone of my stature need not concern himself with the warp and woof of mortal life.
You still don’t understand, do you?
I was chosen as the first person to board the plane on Southwest yesterday. That’s right. Boarding card numero uno. The big banana, the top-o-the-heap. Master of the Universe. Those scrawny deadhead couples who stopped washing their hair in tribute to Jerry Garcia? Get in line behind me. Those businessmen with the J.C. Penny suits and Magnum P.I. mustaches? Take your three-year-old laptop and show your high score on Tetrus to someone who gives a rat’s ass. I AM NUMBER ONE.
Some of you may not have flown Southwest before, so you might not understand. It is an airline, yes. But it is also a way of life. In exchange for cheap airfare, you get waited on by cultists with the same energy level as waiters at Fridays. Better you should swallow your cyanide tablet than divulge to these Prozac addicts that it’s your birthday. Anyway, with Southwest you board the plane in the order you arrived. Which means you get off the plane first when you reach your destination. Finally, it pays to be late!
The lounge area for Southwest is perhaps the greatest proof available that war and violence will never go away. People with blue boarding cards (first group) look at the people from the second boarding group like they were Rodney Dangerfield picking his nose at the country club. And people with green boarding cards might as well be pulling rickshaws in Bombay. “Son, I don’t want you talking to that man…”
Evolutionary psychology says that humans are always looking for ways to raise their esteem in the eyes of others. We naturally elevate ourselves. (We naturally choose sides, too. No greater example of man’s moral fickleness is how quickly he turns from hating crazy pedestrians when he’s driving to despising reckless drivers when he’s walking). So when I got that number one boarding card, I knew I was a winner. I was special. I didn’t need to file a column. I was a king. Small children of white-trash vintage were offered up to me to bless. Businessmen offered me their newspapers. I didn’t have to pay the sales tax on my $8,000 dollar hot dog. Women were mine for the asking. But today, as I try to figure out how I can add #1 Boarding Card Holder to my résumé, the glow has faded. I am one of you now, and I apologize for the late file. Okay, let’s rumble.
I’m back just in time because tonight Juanita Broaddrick’s interview with NBC will finally be aired. By now everybody knows that Ms. Broaddrick is the woman who alleges that the POTUS raped her when he was the attorney general of Arkansas. The president’s ever-reliable lawyer says, “Any allegation that the president assaulted Juanita Broaddrick more than 20 years ago is absolutely false.” How are we supposed to take this? Mr. Kendall’s expert tutelage of the president has led many of us to be more than a little exacting in our dissection of Clintonian statements. First, Juanita Broaderick was named Juanita Hickey back then. Has anyone asked Kendall whether any allegation by Juanita Hickey is false? Second, Bill Clinton wasn’t president back then. Is Kendall saying that any allegation that Jimmy Carter assaulted Broadderrick “more than twenty years ago” is “absolutely false?”
And about that “more than 20 years ago” thing: What exactly are we supposed to make of that? Is the fact that someone gets away with something for 20 years moral ballast? Get your raping done early so it doesn’t get in the way of your career. Gee willickers, the guy was the attorney general of Arkansas not the roadie for Supertramp. Keep in mind I don’t know that Clinton did this, but the twenty year thing doesn’t bother me that much. I can guarantee you that the New York Times would put it on the front page with an accompanying op-ed by Arthur Schlesinger Jr. if tests proved that Thomas Jefferson raped Sally Hemings two hundred years ago. “A Nation Forged by a Hate Crime” would probably be the title of the piece.
But whether he did it or not, where are the feminists? Where are the humorless women who used to scream at me in college that “We don’t make these things up!”? C’mon ladies, take back the night or something. You can’t just leave us hanging. And where are the people who said that the great crime during the Thomas hearings was that a woman’s voice was being stifled? You see, back then the “process was on trial” because the actual “crimes” of Clarence Thomas amounted to a joke about a pubic hair. Today, the crimes are so great that the accusers get put on trial. Where is Gloria Steinem who said that Clinton was okay with the Kathleen Willey contretemps because he took “no” for an answer? Where are all these people? Is the hypocrisy convention in town and everyone has turned off his beeper so he can listen to Lanny Davis’s keynote address?
If you didn’t know, Lanny Davis went ballistic last night on MSNBC’s Hockenberry because David Schippers didn’t use the word “alleged” before rapist. Davis said he felt “unclean” watching the interview. For more than a year Lanny Davis called Monica Lewinsky, Kathleen Willey, Lucianne Goldberg, Linda Tripp, me, Michael Isikoff, and just about everybody else who told the truth about the president, liars. Sure, sometimes he did it by saying there is an affidavit which says this or that. Sometimes he was less subtle. But he has been an unpaid defender of lies and therefore a perpetrator of lies throughout the entire scandal. And now he’s going to lecture people about feeling unclean? Please.
GET OUT THE VOTE
What’s the surest way to get a news network to bury a poll result? Make it favorable to Ronald Reagan.
CNN is currently running a poll asking who the most influential president of the 20th century was. FDR was leading by 16 points over Ronald Reagan. But the Gipper is making a comeback and is now way out in front. Clinton is in the low single digits and soon his score will only be measurable on the Kelvin scale. If you’d like to vote you can go to http://community.cnn.com/cgi-bin/WebX?13@@.ee7edfc.
Do it for the Gipper.
Word on the street is I will be on Rivera Live tonight with Congressman Wexler and other Churchillian statesmen. So if I’m late filing tomorrow, it’s because I’ve removed a congressman’s spleen without his permission and the guards — or my new husband — won’t let me use my laptop in my cell.
Then again, they may cancel.