Politics & Policy

These Things I Know

I just don't have time to write a Goldberg File today. I'm sorry.

Dear Readers (and dumb and/or rich people who have this column read to them):

My apologies for the fact that there will be no column today.

I know this election is heating up more than a fat man at an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.

I know I have not been hitting my deadlines for this column.

I know that there’s a great deal at stake in the events going on in the world.

I know that when I wear tight-fitting T-shirts I look like I’m wearing a money-belt with $10 million (in lire) in it.

I know that not a single New Yorker has paid a cabbie through the window from outside the car in forty years and yet we keep seeing people do that in movies.

I know that the porn industry is moving away from VHS to DVD.

I know that Al Gore says he and his mother-in-law use the same arthritis medicine. I know that the reason his dog’s is cheaper is because veterinary medicine is controlled by the free market while human medicine is run by people who think like Al Gore but look like they eat Elmer’s glue all day.

I know your employers pay you good money to waste your time at this site which you get for free.

I know that Alec Baldwin says that Drudge is responsible for disseminating the “rumor” that he and his really smart wife are leaving the country when we all know that all Drudge did was link to an Associated Press story which ran on most major news sites. I know Baldwin did this because he doesn’t have the intellectual candlepower to tan an albino toad.

I know it’s unfair that Camille Paglia, Howard Kurtz, Peggy Noonan, and many others have praised this column and yet the Hotline bans me from its pages like a leper at the Playboy mansion.

I know it’s ironic that the Pope has more faith in science than most academics.

I know “gay as road rash on velvet” doesn’t actually make sense but it sounds pretty damn funny to me.

I know the pop-ups are really annoying. I know that you will direct your outrage to the appropriate party and not me.

I know John Fund’s piece in the Wall Street Journal today was very encouraging.

I know that my reference to “Balzac” and “Potty Mouth” in my last column was a Simpsons reference that only one reader caught.

I know that George Bush did very well on Oprah and that I may have been wrong when I said he wasn’t funny.

I know we should offer our anonymous LA cop, “Jack Dunphy,” a regular column. I know it’s a lot harder for me to get arrested in LA now.

I know that rats and squirrels are in fact the same animals, but for public relations purposes they change clothes at night.

I know that trying to write a column in just 17 minutes while under a lot of pressure to finish several articles for several magazines while preparing for a debate at the Yale Political Union tonight is not a good idea.

But, I just don’t have time to write a Goldberg File today. I’m sorry.


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