It’s late, Thursday night. I am writing this to inform you that there will be no G-File Friday. It has to be this way. Tomorrow, Friday, I will be on a secret assignment for National Review. I can’t tell you the details. But suffice it to say that if you see a large, sweaty, bespectacled man eating a crispy cream at a U.S. Army base, don’t yell out “Hey you pasty dufus, the new Star Trek series sucks!” because it won’t be me and that guy might twist your little rigoletto (what’s that from?).
I will be at an undisclosed airport or airports somewhere on the eastern seaboard reporting on the current state of our homeland security (I will be carrying one National Review Online T-Shirt for anybody who comes up to me and says “the fat man bathes in dirty moonlight” — World War II code for “give me the damn t-shirt you dork.”)
I wouldn’t even tell you this much, except for the unfortunate fact that I do not trust the suits at NR to pay for what would be my exorbitant legal expenses should I get put in airport jail without my trusted readers knowing I went missing on official business. Of course, I’ve told Cosmo everything, but while he’s great at keeping a secret, he’s equally bad at speaking out in a helpful way when circumstances require it, sort of like a monk who won’t break his silence even to tell you a bear is keenly interested in the Bubble Yum in your front pants’ pocket.
Though, that’s not to say that if Cosmo knew I was being held captive somewhere, he wouldn’t make like a furry (furrier?) Sally Field and scream “Not without my can opener!”
Anyway, if you’re wanting an even remotely relevant column, you could check out my syndicated jobby here. (I wish the people at Townhall could remove the #&^%^ italics-coding in the text, but such is the stuff dreams are made of.
In the meantime, you could try to figure out how many obscure references there are in this non-column column. Also, many of you have asked the following questions:
Q: Where can I find out more about the Fabiani society?
Q: Is it true that all penguins are nice?
Q: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read about the Koran?
A: Probably this.
Q: I’m interested in learning more about conservatism, what should I read?
A: Well, you could look at this old column of mine which has a nice list.
Q: Will you publish your CNN schedule?
A: No, because I don’t have it. But I will be on this Sunday’s Late Edition.
Q: Would it help if I inundated CNN with requests for you to be on more?
A: As long as you were polite, it couldn’t hurt.
Q: Who’s the most popular new addition to NRO?
A: Without a doubt, military historian Victor Davis Hanson.
Q: What was the most popular article on NRO in recent weeks?
A: Byron York’s outstanding piece on Bill Clinton’s slackery on terrorism.
Q: Is this Q&A thing just a way to fill your contractual obligations to NR?
A: I’m not telling, but all the links will keep the webkids busy.
Still, that does remind me. I was wondering if I could ask you folks a favor? Could every single person still reading this Hong Kong knockoff of a column PLEASE hit their refresh or reload buttons right now. Hitting it more than once would actually be great. Don’t worry, this isn’t a scam to make more money out of our advertisers. I just want to test whether our web-traffic software is working. It would also be interesting to know if our webmonkey George Vara burst into flames if you all hit refresh at precisely 12 noon.
Have a great weekend (you will be more likely to if you check out NRO Weekend). I will fill you in on what’s going on Monday — unless I’m in airport jail. In which case, would somebody please feed my dog?