Politics & Policy

The Cosmo Interviews

The Wonder Dog heads to North Korea.

Dear Reader, I have to finish an article for that awful man, Rich Lowry, who put me on a vegan diet. Fortunately, I have obtained a copy of a recent interview between Cosmo the Wonder Dog and the dictator of North Korea. I’ll be back soon. — Jonah Goldberg

#ad#Cosmo: Mr. Kim, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to be the first Westerner to interview you since the beginning of these diplomatically trying times.

Kim Jong Il: Yes, you are fortunate.

Cosmo: First let me make it clear that this will not be a repeat of my interview with President Musharraf. I understand that you eat pork and therefore we can get straight to the “meat” — if you’ll pardon the pun — of the issues. Now, when your government says it will halt its nuclear program in exchange for a Non-Aggression Treaty do you mean to….

[Kim gets up from his chair.]

Mr. Kim? Where are you going? We’ve barely started the interview.

Kim Jong Il: [Feeling the upper part of Cosmo’s leg.] You’re in good shape; do you exercise?

Cosmo: Um, yes. I do. I play with a tennis ball several times a day. I also shake a very heavy dog toy by the neck vociferously every evening. Uh, why do you ask?

Kim Jong Il: Oh, no reason.

Cosmo: So, as I was saying, this Non-Aggression Treaty, why do you feel that is necessary; and should it be in addition to the fuel aid or … Sir? Hello?

Kim Jong Il: What do you eat? You don’t eat garbage, do you?

Cosmo: Well, garbage is a subjective term. I don’t see why a pork chop is suddenly “garbage” just because it’s been in a plastic bag. I mean people store food in plastic bags all the time. Just because you call some plastic bags “garbage bags” and other ones “Ziploc bags” does that mean food in one is “garbage” and food in the other is a meal? I mean this strikes me as a gross double standard. Imagine if I simply announced that “all pickled foods are garbage.” How would you feel?… I’m sorry, I’m sorry. As you can see, I have some strong views on the subject. But no, I don’t eat garbage, technically speaking. Now could we please…

Kim Jong Il: Toilet water? You don’t drink it do you?

Cosmo: No! That’s disgusting! I mean, Would I die of thirst before I took a sip from a toilet; who can say? But, sir, I know we don’t have much time here and I have a great many questions….sir? Why, uh, are you looking at me like that?

Kim Jong Il: Like what? Come here, I’d like to show you something. We can do this interview later.

Cosmo: Is that soy sauce in your hand?

Kim Jong Il: What? This? No…

Cosmo: I’m out of here.

Kim Jong Il: Wait! Mr. Lowry made promises. I could have given this interview to Mr. Dan Rather or Ms. Barbara Walters. But Mr. Lowry said he had a “delicious alternative” for me if I talked to him! We had a deal!

Cosmo: [Yelling over his shoulder.] That cat-loving bastard! I knew it!

Kim Jong Il: Geraldo Rivera offered me a Saint Bernard!

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