Politics & Policy

Dean Does Comedy

An alternative career option for the presidential nominee.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a transcript from Comedy Central’s January 26 Daily Show: an interview between the show’s host, Jon Stewart, and former Vermont governor Howard Dean. The transcript is taken from National Journal’s “Hotline.”

[Hotline’s] Note: The interview featured Stewart and Dean having a conversation — their actual words are noted with quotes — but being played over the conservation were Dean and Stewart’s thoughts. The two recorded the voice-overs, which are noted in italics.

Stewart: “I want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us” [Image pops up over his shoulder of Stewart on the cover of Newsweek, Stewart smiles.]

Dean: “Thank you for the opportunity, unfortunately I don’t have that much time.” [Image pops up over his left shoulder of Dean on two covers of Newsweek, Dean smiles.]

Cuts to Stewart, where in addition to his one cover, he adds the image of himself on the cover of Cat Fancy.

Stewart: “Obviously, a difficult week in Iowa, wish you could have done better … you did an interview with Diane Sawyer … do you consider those damage control interviews?”

Dean: ’Good question, Cronkite.’ “Well they are certainly gonna help some…”

Stewart: “How will you control the damage from this?” ’This is going great!!’

Dean: ’You’ve got five minutes, jackass.’

Stewart: “The media has tried to pigeonhole you as an angry guy.”

Dean: ’The press, those no good $#!&%.’

Stewart: “Governor, are you angry now?”

Dean: “Certainly not.”

Stewart: “How bout now?”

Dean: “No.”

Stewart: “Let’s talk issues [long, uncomfortable silence] … why don’t you start?”

Dean: “Health insurance for every single American — we are the only country in the world…”

Stewart: ’Da dum … I eat buttons.’

Stewart: “Let’s talk endorsements — when you found out that Al Gore wanted to endorse you, how bad did you want to get out?” ’I’m on fire!’

Dean: “Actually, I thought Al Gore’s endorsement was a good endorsement.”

Stewart: “Talk about your position on same sex marriage.”

Dean: “We actually chose not to do gay marriage in our state. What we did was to say that every same sex couple could have the same rights as everyone else.”

Stewart: ’Mrs. Jon Dean, Mr. Howard Stewart, Howard and Jon Dean, Dr. and Mr. Jon Dean Stewart…’ “You’re also a doctor, are you a Bill Cosby doctor or a doctor doctor?”

Dean: “I’m a doctor doctor, internal medicine.”

Stewart: “If you don’t mind, could you tell me what this is … is this normal?” [Lifts up shirt.]

Dean: ’Man, this guy bruises like a grape.’

Stewart: “I know this is a bizarre way to do an interview.”

Dean: “I can’t wait to see it. When does it go on?”

Stewart: “On Monday…”

Dean: ’I bet this is going to air in Michigan, and Arizona and Oklahoma and New Mexico … keep it together Howard, it’s only a list of states.’

Stewart: “Our show is a perfect venue to talk to young viewers.”

Dean: “I find that young viewers care about things like the environment and renewable energy…”

Stewart: “Younger.”

Dean: “People care about green grass and not spending any more money than they…”

Stewart: “Younger.”

Dean: “People care about cleanliness.”

Stewart: “You know what, can you just jiggle your keys.”

Most Popular

The Pollster Who Thinks Trump Is Ahead

The polling aggregator on the website RealClearPolitics shows the margin in polls led by Joe Biden in a blue font and the ones led by Donald Trump in red. For a while, the battleground states have tended to be uniformly blue, except for polls conducted by the Trafalgar Group. If you are a firm believer only in ... Read More

The Pollster Who Thinks Trump Is Ahead

The polling aggregator on the website RealClearPolitics shows the margin in polls led by Joe Biden in a blue font and the ones led by Donald Trump in red. For a while, the battleground states have tended to be uniformly blue, except for polls conducted by the Trafalgar Group. If you are a firm believer only in ... Read More

Biden Can’t Tax the Rich

Joe Biden’s tax plan is based on a deathless myth: that taxes are actually paid in economic terms by those upon whom they legally fall. The obviousness of this nonsense is clear enough if you put the proposition into plain English: “Don’t you worry, now, we’re not going to raise taxes on you, Bubba — ... Read More

Biden Can’t Tax the Rich

Joe Biden’s tax plan is based on a deathless myth: that taxes are actually paid in economic terms by those upon whom they legally fall. The obviousness of this nonsense is clear enough if you put the proposition into plain English: “Don’t you worry, now, we’re not going to raise taxes on you, Bubba — ... Read More