I know almost nothing about John Kerry. That’s not his fault–it’s mine. Since Law & Order” now has three series on the air, plus constant reruns, that leaves precious little time for work and family, let alone the news.
Then again, is it just me, or does the primary season seem fundamentally flawed as a vehicle for introducing the ideas of presidential contenders? The candidates compete for my attention the way supermarkets burden me with Sunday circulars–it’s all tomorrow’s recycling.
Nonetheless, here are my highly unscientific impressions of Democratic frontrunner John Kerry:
(1) Senator Kerry alarmingly resembles Frankenstein’s monster. I know that’s completely unfair; in fact, it’s childish, ignorant, rude, intemperate and foolish. But I’m an average American voter. This is my frequency. (By the way, if you think I’m a moron–which puts you in the same company as my wife–please note that I referred to Kerry as resembling Frankenstein’s monster and not Frankenstein. The title of the book and the movie refer to the mad doctor, Dr. Frankenstein, and not the monster, who has no given name, which always struck me as odd, because, if you’re going to spend years of your life conducting cutting-edge biological research, dig up graves for fresh body parts, stitch together a whole cadaver and capture a bolt of lightning in order to jolt it to life, couldn’t you spend a few moments to decide on a name for your historic creation? Adam? Hank, Alan, Kevin–anything? In any regard, the above-noted difference is a common factual error, even among film critics, who are, possibly, the closest creatures we have to the living dead today.)
(2) Howard Dean is a doctor, and has turned out to be frightening in his own right, even if he has never dug up any graves, except for his own. I’m not sure what the connection is, yet, but I’m working on it.
(3) Howard/Dean/John/Kerry. All first names. Hmm.
(4) Isn’t there a Bob Kerrey who was a Democratic senator and also a Vietnam veteran? Did I misspell his name? Are they from the same family? Did he conveniently disappear before primary season? Have Kerry and Kerrey ever been seen together in public? Is this something we should be looking into?
(5) Does John Kerry pronounce his name “curry,” like the Indian food I love so much but have been recently forced to abandon, or “carry,” like Jim Carrey, the actor, who happens to resemble John Kerry (and also has an extraneous “e” in his name) but looks 50 years younger, or “Carey,” like Mariah Carey, who was in the headlines for years but, suddenly and mysteriously, dropped to the sidelines?
(6) Kerry fought in Vietnam and earned three Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star for battle, then returned to organize U.S. veterans against the war, earning him a place on Richard Nixon’s enemies list. He fought Communism and Richard Nixon. Now, whatever side of the aisle you’re on–here’s a real-life hero. These facts should make President Bush and Howard Dean and everyone else who wants to live in the White House more than a little anxious. Plus, he looks like Frankenstein. That might be enough to scare the crap out of Syria, Iran and North Korea. Let’s just think about that.
(7) In the early 1990’s, Kerry divorced his first wife, Julia Thorne, and began seeing Teresa Heinz, the widow of Pennsylvania Senator H. John Heinz III and one of the richest women in America, with an estimated net worth of $500-$600 million. Kerry and Thorne were married in 1995. His wife is now Teresa Heinz Kerry, which, depending on how you pronounce it (see #5, above) is a pretty spicy combination.
(8) John Kerry, speaking to supporters after the New Hampshire primary: “I love New Hampshire. I love Iowa too. And I hope to have the opportunity to love a lot of other states in the weeks and months ahead.” Um, I live in New York State, senator, and I’m not sure when our primary is, but I’m going to make sure my family and I are wearing our full-body condoms before you arrive.
(9) Kerry picked up a number of high-profile endorsements, including New York Congresswoman Louise Slaughter and Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank. Frank and Slaughter–are we seeing the influence of Heinz?
(10) John Kerry. Bob Kerry. Ann Curry. Curry powder. Teresa Heinz. Barney Frank. Frankenstein. Frankenberry. Frankenkerry. Boo-berry, banana-nanna-foo-ferry. Kerry!
–Bruce Stockler is a media-relations consultant and humorist. He is author of I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets.