In recent weeks, the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and NRO have revealed the extent to which the United Nations-run Oil-for-Food program was corrupted by Saddam Hussein’s regime. Officials and individuals in some 50 countries are alleged to have received vouchers for the purchase of millions of barrels of Iraqi oil at below-market prices; they could then sell their allocation to a middleman and keep the difference.
A partial list of the recipients published in Al Mada, an Iraqi daily (and seen by a Wall Street Journal editor), apparently includes George Galloway (a British MP), PLO officials, former French Interior Minister Charles Pasqua, Patrick Maugein (described as a “close friend of Jacques Chirac and head of Soco International,” an oil company), a “Mr. Sevan” (thought to be U.N. Assistant Secretary General Benon V. Sevan, the man in charge of the Oil-for-Food scheme), and the “director of the Russian president’s office.”
Of course, all these illustrious and upstanding world citizens must be presumed to be wholly innocent of such grievous and malicious charges. Many of them, indeed, have issued denials of wrongdoing. Our hearts are with them.
In fact, as an in-depth and hugely expensive NRO Special Investigation can exclusively reveal, these individuals are the unwitting and innocent victims of a cruel Iraqi e-mail hoax, or “spam,” as it is technically known. Their only crime was to care too much about the benighted people of Iraq.
Based on the original “Nigerian Scam” that has long plagued e-mail in-boxes the world over, the Iraqi version similarly exploited recipients’ naivety by reciting a tale of woe and offering a portion of loot, often twenty percent of tens of million of dollars, in return for acting as a “foreign beneficiary.” There was no money, of course, but those unwise enough to reply were “suckered” (in the sinister parlance of the underworld) into sending thousands of dollars to the scammers to cover fictitious “administrative fees” that suddenly arose.
NRO’s Insight Team (led by crack reporter Alexander Rose) has obtained an authentic copy of the shocking “Iraqi Oil-for-Food Spam Email” sent to these unfortunate individuals and reproduces it here for the first time. It is a terrifying document, and will surely rock the civilized world to its very foundations. But might not.
To: RECIPIENT’S NAME CLASSIFIED PENDING INVESTIGATION
From: ‘Nizar al-Qaissi’
Subject: Gauranteed Profit 100 % Risk Free to You!!!
Assalam Malaikam, May Allah’s blessing remain with you.
Compliments of the day to you.
I know you will be surprise to read from me, moreso when it come from a stranger. But please considder this letter as a business request from a associate in dare need of urgent assistance. I got your contact address from Oil-for-Food contact address directory in United Nations Plaza orgnisation in New York, America. After perusing intimately, your profile, you were to me obviously a high networth person worthy of trust. Please exercise a modicum of some patients and read through my urgent message specially to you.
I am soliciting for your assistance to transfer the sum to the tune of FORTY SEVEN BILLIONM DOLLARS ($US 47,000,000,000.00) which is floating in dorment in a network of RESPECTED AND MOST TRUSTED INTERNATIONAL FOREIGN COMPANIES including the West Beirut Import-Export Bank (former BCCI) based in Barbados, the Ba’ath Employees Credit Union of Damascus, the Al-Enron Cash-’n’-Carry (London-New York-Karachi) and the Banque Nationale de Paris (of Paris). This moneys was received thanks to PURPOSELY under-costed OIL CONTRACTS FOR IRAQI CRUDE and can be given to your bank account for legitamat business investment purposes!! I must persist on your strictest confidence in this cordial transaction, this is by virtue of it’s being utterly confidential and top secret.
Let me introduce myself, I am Mister Nizar al-Qaissi, Esquire (Harverd NBA and Saddam Univerity of Law), the late third assisstant secretary of Ministry of Oil in Baghdad of Democratic Republic of Iraq 1987 to 2003. I will save your valuable time not amplifying my extended life history.
Because of recent poltical events which you may have seen about in international media, my country is rocking by turmoil. My former strong man, General Uday Hussein al-Tikriti, was murdered, and somebodys is responsible. Before he expired in tragedy (peace be upon him), respected General Tikriti (pridefully rewarded Arafat Medal for Services to Martyrdom Operations, Ramallah Campaign) entrusted me the sum of FORTY SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS United states dollars mandated ffor distribution for food and medical equipemt for Iraqi people by the United Nations Plaza.
My esteemed colleges and me, AFTER careful determination, have decided to appoiont OFFICIALS FOREIGN REPRESENTATIVES to take safekeepering of said moneys as beneficiaries of the fund. As you are a gentleman of honored pedigree, I am entreating to you the offer of TWNETY PERCENT OF THE SUM IN INTERNATIOMNALY-NEGOTIABLE, BELOW MARKET PRICE OIL CREDITS PAYABLE TO A COMPANY SITUATED OFF THE SHORELAND. Ten % also has been set aside as an abstact projection for reimbursment to both parties for incidental expenses–like pruchasing brass plates for our mutual companys–that may occur in the course of this transaction.
This IS A LIFETIME opportunity we cannot miss togeher. You will be rich more than Ali Baba and the Fourty Thieves (peace be upon them)!
All you do to procure the sums is say to official United Nations office that you are CONNECTED TO OLD (do not get mixed up) Iraq giovernment and you shipped food and medical equipemt to Iraqi people and you are FRIEND OF WORLD PEACE and ENEMY OF UNITED STATES IMPERIALSIM. It is More easier to do this if you are on chairmans board of French or Riussian or Arab company with tribal links to French or Riussian or aRAB giovernment or even best if you are member of French or Riussiuan Arab goverment.
For clear reaons, I cann’t say who also have participated in “Oil-for-Food Programe” but Because you are person of eminent back ground, I will reveal that many respected people have participating. Theyre names will SURPRISE YOU! OR MAYBE NOT!
Bewary of NIGERIAN email offers, they are wrong. You have 100% LEGLE GUARANTE OF OFFICIALS OF UNITED NATIONS OFFICE OF SPECIAL PROGRAMS WORKING HAND-ON-GLOVE WITH LATE OFFICIALS OF IRAQ GIOVERNMENT TO GET PAID.
Let honesty and trust be our watchword throughout this transaction and your prompt reply will be nicely appreciated. The optimum place to contact me is by firstname.lastname@example.org or by means of the United nations Plaza switchboard. My secertary, Mrs. K. Annan, will be most pleased to bend over backwards to take your message.
With the fondest regards of the season,
Mister Nizar al-Qaissi, Esquire
If you want toi not receive future mailings of interest to you , please to send Social Secueity Number to www.united-nations-opt-out-now.biz/
–This parody was written by Alexander Rose, NR deputy managing editor.