The speculation over who will be John Kerry’s eventual vice-presidential nominee has begun. The names are flying faster than Martha Stewart after a hot stock tip: John Edwards, Evan Bayh, Dick Gephardt, and Hillary Clinton are just a few of the frequently mentioned names.
I have just one word to sum up those folks: BORRRRRRING!
Let’s face it: John Kerry is about as exciting as whale blubber. He needs a veep who will generate buzz and pique the interest of the media and voters. So here are a few suggestions:
Dennis Kucinich: He could help the Democrats pick up Ohio! And he could seal up the vegan, goddess-of-peace voters who are thinking of straying toward Ralph Nader.
Lenora Fulani: The Marxist former head of the cult–excuse me–the political party called “the New Alliance” would be a great fit. A black woman! She might even be able to balance out Kerry’s liberalism if the Kerry campaign were to emphasize her support for Pat Buchanan. Add to that the fact that she has some interest in helping out Ralph Nader, and that putting her on the ticket could sink Nader for good.
So why not Nader himself? Remember, we need to bring excitement to the ticket. Nader is even more boring than Kerry, if that is possible.
Maxine Waters: The California congresswoman would be another great way to boost turnout among women and black voters. I can just see the press conference at which Kerry announces her as his choice. Kerry will wax eloquent about how she was instrumental in changing his mind on the Iraq-war resolution and the Patriot Act, since she opposed them from the beginning. Plus, she’ll be certain that the CIA conspiracy to undermine the inner cities by bringing crack cocaine from Central America will finally get the attention it deserves.
Sean Penn: Fresh off his Oscar win, the long-suffering actor would bring tremendous star power to the ticket. With Penn’s solid antiwar credentials, there would be no need for Kerry to suck up to Howard Dean. An added bonus for Kerry: When the press starts to get out of line, he can threaten, “Shape up, or I’ll make you interview my vice-presidential candidate.”
Matthew Lesko: Who? You know, the gent who shows up in cable-TV commercials (and in your spam filter) hawking his book about how to get FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT! A perfect Democrat! Plus, his sport coat with all the question marks on it is sure to get voters’ attention.
Robert Byrd: Yes, all the orations of self-importance will get old pretty quick. But he could generate excitement in other ways. For instance, bookies in Vegas would go wild taking bets on how long the West Virginia senator’s convention speech would last. Littered with quotes from Leviticus, Homer, and Shakespeare, it would be a long-distance event for sure! It might backfire on the Democrats, though, since his speech would be good for the economy. The sales of No-Doze and Starbucks Coffee to the convention delegates would boost GDP by one percentage point, at least.
Alas, the Democrats won’t take any of these suggestions. I guess the only thing to look forward to from the Kerry campaign is a cure for my insomnia.
–David Hogberg is a research analyst at the Public Interest Institute, an Iowa-based think tank. His blog site is “Cornfield Commentary.”