Politics & Policy

This Just in…

(Transcript of tonight's CBS Evening News broadcast.)

Dan Rather reporting for the CBS Evening News. After further investigation, we here at CBS News now have grave doubts about the authenticity of the Bush National Guard memos.

‐In other news, the Beatles have broken up. Inside sources tell CBS News the Fab Four mop tops have come to the end of their long and winding road because of tensions within the band caused by one of the band members reportedly becoming involved with “a Japanese woman”. CBS News is keeping a close eye on this story.

‐Trouble in the Falkland Islands. The military junta in Argentina has declared that the Falkland Islands, or “Malvinas” as they call it, belong to them and not, as originally assumed, Great Britain. Inside sources close to the prime minister tell CBS News; “You realize, of course, this means war!” CBS News, in collaboration with the Encyclopedia Britannica, has uncovered the following information on the Falkland Islands: “The Falkland Islands are a group of islands 300 miles east of Argentina. The two main islands are East Falkland and West Falkland. There are about 200 smaller islands that together form a total land area of approximately 4,700 square miles. The capital is Port Stanley.” More on this breaking story as it develops.

‐CBS News can now confirm that the Earth revolves around the sun, as opposed to the other way around. This reporter personally stared directly into the sun for several hours to confirm this story.

‐In the world of sports, the question remains: Did Cincinnati Reds legend Pete Rose consort with gamblers? CBS News has looked into this breaking story and determined that the answer is no, he did not. Based on several interviews with Mr. Rose himself, CBS News has concluded that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

‐A CBS News investigation has concluded that peanut butter, when spread on a slice of bread–whether white or whole wheat–and then placed on top of, or in close proximity to, another slice of bread covered in jelly or jam, makes a tasty snack that CBS News is calling “a peanut butter and jelly sandwich”. You can see more on this next week in a special 48 Hours report: “Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

‐CBS News is shocked and saddened today to report the untimely passing of comedian Bob Hope. Thanks for the memories, Bob.

‐From our science desk, test results indicate that Soylent Green might actually consist of people. This confirms a suspicion that CBS News first reported linking the popularity of the government issued food product, Soylent Green, with the problem of rapidly increasing population growth.

‐Further developments in the ongoing story of the shooting of the sheriff: CBS News can now report that the suspect, while admitting to shooting the sheriff, now denies adamantly any involvement in the shooting of the deputy. He now claims that while he did, in fact, shoot the sheriff he swears it was “in self defense”. Authorities, however, claim it is “a capital offense”.

‐Coca Cola announced today a refreshing new twist on an old favorite. CBS News can now report exclusively that the beverage is called “New Coke” and sources tell CBS News it’s refreshing and….

Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. Konig has written a novel, Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky. Konig is also an NRO contributor.

Members of the National Review editorial and operational teams are included under the umbrella “NR Staff.”

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