[Note: One of the best-loved old English songs is “The Vicar of Bray,” whose words first showed up in print in the 1730s (though to a tune no longer sung). Bray is a small village near Windsor, in southern England. In the song, the cynical vicar of Bray boasts of how, by turning his coat to suit religious fashion, he managed to hold on to his position as vicar through all the politico-religious turmoil of the late 17th and early 18th centuries. You can hear the tune here, though the words shown are slightly different from the ones I was taught.]
In Lyndon Johnson’s second term,
When patriotism no harm meant
Some résumé points I had to earn
So off to Vietnam went.
That country did its sights contrive
Onto my heart to sear;
In just four months I’d medals five,
Kick-starting my career.
[Chorus] And this is true, depend on me–
Don’t bother to compete, Sir!–
No matter who the POTUS be
I’ll keep my Senate seat, Sir!
When Richard Nixon came along,
And war was out of fashion,
I testified to grievous wrong,
With most indignant passion.
To medals five goodbye I kissed;
A book (try finding it!) I wrote.
And now would be a pacifist
But for the VFW vote.
[Chorus] And this is true…
While Ford and Carter struggled o’er
Our post-Vietnam confusion,
I kept low profile as a lawyer,
In public prosecution.
For in those times the public mood
Was harsh on politicians.
(While, to relieve my solitude
I sought out girls – just rich ones.)
[Chorus] And this is true…
In Reagan’s time I saw the chance
To further my ambition.
So to the Senate did advance–
A liberal patrician.
My Senatorial chores were few–
No need for much attendance.
Just raise some funds and kiss up to
Joe Kennedy’s descendants!
[Chorus] And this is true…
When George the First came to the fore,
With policies much sounder,
I stood out firm against his war
Believing it would founder.
It didn’t; but his previous vow
All taxes new to spare us
Soon got me off the hook: Who now
Remembers judgment errors?
[Chorus] And this is true…
Then dear Bill Clinton’s fortunes soared
And liberal men were thriving.
I got myself a loaded broad
And lots of cars for driving.
No military issues rose
Past follies to unbury:
What happy, golden days were those
For lefties like John Kerry!
[Chorus] And this is true…
For George the Second’s Iraq War
I voted my approval;
And cheered until my throat was sore
At S. Hussein’s removal.
But liberal friends soon whispered that
A quagmire was a-brewing.
And in the ring I threw my hat,
To seek George Two’s undoing.
[Chorus] And this is true…
Imagine this: A noble vet–
One with a sharp salute. He
Stands up in wartime to upset
A man who shirked his duty.
Alas, it’s going all awry–
Just look at my position!
The Swifties say my past’s a lie–
And Rather’s blown his mission!
[Chorus] Ah, well. What matters it to me
My buggy’s in the ditch, Sir?
No matter who the POTUS be
I’ll still be stinking rich, Sir!