Now available for the first time anywhere! The Safe-T-Corp invites you to shed all fears and worries forever!
Reserve your spot now as a permanent resident in the world’s only truly safe community, the Safe-T-Dome. Afraid of natural disaster? Terrorist attack? UV radiation? Rest easy, friend. The Safe-T-Dome is an entirely man-made living environment built two miles below the solid bedrock of an undisclosed location in the continental United States. That’s right, the new residents of the Safe-T-Dome will still be Americans. Safe Americans!
Over six square miles of completely safe and aesthetically inoffensive living space await you and your family. (Residential units available in tan and gray.) Is personal injury a worry? Do your children suffer from bumps and scrapes? Not in the Safe-T-Dome they won’t, where all residents must wear a specially engineered Safe-T-Suit (helmet permanently attached) made entirely of waterproof Gore-Tex and Nerf. Go ahead, Junior, ride your skateboard off that bridge! You’ll bounce!
What about the threat from fire? Not something you want to have nagging at you as you rest comfortably on your Safe-T-Bed, mounted only two inches from the padded floor in case of nighttime falls. Well, fire won’t burn you and your loved ones to a crisp in the Safe-T-Dome. Scientifically formulated fire-suffocating foam circulates constantly through a system of conduits in every room and area of the Dome. Heat, smoke, and light detectors will find any spark (usually before it starts) and unleash a flame-ending deluge within instants. Happy Birthday, Toddler! You’re safe from those dangerous candles!
But disasters aren’t the only things you worry about, are they? Are they? What about germs and disease? Well, kiss those microscopic evildoers good-bye. (The Safe-T-Corp does not endorse the kissing of germs and suggests you consult your family physician.) In the Safe-T-Dome you will be protected at all times, as any material allowed within the Dome is powerfully irradiated for a period not less than 72 hours to kill all known bacteria and viruses. This includes people and pets! (Dome-acceptable pets include most kinds of fish. No dogs, cats, birds, rodents, or reptiles.) Additionally, personal contact between Dome residents is not allowed, further protecting you from any transmission of disease, and residents who cough or sneeze will immediately be quarantined. Gesundheit!
And the safety doesn’t stop there, because we all know that words can cause as much as damage as hard physical blows with a hammer or mallet. Concerned about racial or sexual stereotypes, or offensive terms such as “refugee”? In the Safe-T-Dome, your mind will be untroubled, as a strictly enforced no-talking policy ensures you and your family will never have to hear an objectionable word. Don’t cover those kids’ ears at the movies, they’ll be fine. (Movies are not available in the Safe-T-Dome.) In fact, you and your family will be protected from all the horrors of modern popular “culture,” as the Safe-T-Corp will provide for your entertainment needs with a specially produced library of puppet shows and ice-skating spectaculars, available on closed-circuit high-definition TV and DVD. Your teenagers won’t miss their iPods once they catch a gander at Pippi Longstocking On Ice!
And the safety doesn’t stop there! What about smoking? Smoking is dangerous, and second-hand smoke is a health hazard, too. And what about third-, fourth-, and fifth-hand smoke? It’s probably in the air you breathe right now! But not in the Safe-T-Dome, where your personal Safe-T-Air breathing apparatus delivers pure oxygen to your lungs without any threat of pollutant. And the solid steel four-wheeled compressed air tank doubles as a grocery cart, baby stroller, or exercise equipment. (Babies not allowed in the Safe-T-Dome.) And if you care about air, you care about water, too! Don’t you? Don’t you? The Safe-T-Dome drinking water will be triple-filtered through a highly scientific-sounding process called osmosis. If that doesn’t impress you, then you don’t know science!
Uh-oh, you’re thinking. The Safe-T-Dome guarantees 100-percent protection against natural disaster, terrorist attack, UV radiation, bad taste, falls and accidents, fire, germs, disease, animals, hurtful language, movies, smoking, pollution, and contaminated water. But what about food? What you eat can kill you! It can kill you! It’s killing you right now!
Not in the Safe-T-Dome. Safe-T-Treats meal-replacement pellets are the perfect nutritional blend of protein, carbohydrates, fats, vitamins, and minerals, and they’re allergen-free and scrumptious. (Food pellets available in tan and gray.) And because they’re pre-cooked and pre-chewed, you just unseal the vacuum canister and serve. There’s never a danger from cooking accidents or food spoilage. And every Safe-T-Treat meal pellet is smaller than the diameter of even the tiniest esophagus. Paging Dr. Heimlich! We don’t need your maneuver in the Safe-T-Dome!
That’s right, troubled friend. We know what you need–you need us to think of everything, to cover every angle, to foresee every event that could possibly happen and plan for it, prevent it, stop it, and if we can’t stop it, we have to save you after it happens. We know that’s what you need, and we’re here for you. That’s what we do. We’re the Safe-T-Corp.
Now who wouldn’t want to live like that? (All applicants subject to financial review. Safe-T-Dome residents will agree to surrender a percentage of all income and assets to Safe-T-Corp. Percentage to be determined, based on market factors. Current estimate is 93.6 percent.)
–NRO Contributor Warren Bell is a 16-year veteran sitcom writer and currently executive producer of ABC’s “According to Jim.” He lives as dangerously as possible in L.A. with his wife and two sons.