EDITOR’S NOTE: This piece appears in the December 31, 2005, issue of National Review.
Transcript: Larry King Live, December 25th, 2006
LARRY KING: “We’re back! Don’t forget, tomorrow night! The whole hour with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter! They’ve got a new book out, folks, and it’s going to blow your socks off. It’s called ‘The Erotic First Couple’ and it’s all about . . . well, tune in tomorrow. Gonna be a hot show. It’s a very, very sexy book. I can’t even show you the cover, according to the FCC. Anyways. From Sunflower, Mississippi, hello!”
CALLER: “Hi, Larry. Hi, Mrs. Claus.”
LARRY KING: “What’s your question, caller?”
CALLER: “I just want to know if there’s been any reaction to the book so far from her ex-husband?”
LARRY KING: “Good question. So? Did Santa ring in?”
MRS. CLAUS: “His lawyers did, Larry. You know, after all those years I really felt that he’d at least want to talk to me directly. Instead, I got a very threatening letter from his attorneys basically saying that if I went through with the book they’d sue me and ruin me and all like that.”
LARRY KING: “And so far?”
MRS. CLAUS: “Well, you know, that’s the interesting thing. Total silence, Larry. Nothing.”
LARRY KING: “Of course, he’s awfully busy this time of year.”
MRS. CLAUS: “Please. Don’t tell me that. I was there, remember? He’s got that thing so well organized. Half the time it’s not even him in the sleigh.”
LARRY KING: “You’re kidding?”
MRS. CLAUS: “It’s a system, Larry. He’s got it worked out. Sort of like Johnny Carson in the old days, you know? Always taking time off. Never there.”
LARRY KING: “But, you know, it works, right?”
MRS. CLAUS: “No one’s saying it doesn’t work, Larry. I mean, the toys get under the tree. That’s what he used to shout at us in the meetings. ‘It’s about toys under trees, people!’ And you know, we did it. We just . . . did it.”
LARRY KING: “But it wasn’t enough?”
MRS. CLAUS: “At a certain point, Larry, you want a lover. You want someone to hold. Someone to go on trips with.”
LARRY KING: “Listen, I’ve been married enough times to sing a few bars of that! The book is ‘No Cookies for Me: Loving an Icon and Losing Myself, the Mrs. Claus Story.’ So what’s next?”
MRS. CLAUS: “We’re talking to one of the networks about some kind of show.”
LARRY KING: “A ‘Desperate Housewives’ type situation? I mean, you got a good hook for that.”
MRS. CLAUS: “More reality-based, I think. I can’t really talk about it. We’re still developing it.”
LARRY KING: “From the North Pole, hello!”
. . .
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