Politics & Policy

Al Gore’s 12 Steps

(With apologies/amends to Bill W. and Dr. Bob.)

(NEWS ITEM: When asked recently if he had presidential aspirations for 2008, Al Gore described himself as “a recovering politician on about step nine”.)

 

STEP ONE: We admitted, finally, that we were powerless over Katherine Harris, Jim Baker, and hanging chads and that our life had become unmanageable.

 

STEP TWO: Came to believe that, since it’s been over six years now, there’s a pretty good chance no one’s going to call to say “Al, it was all a big mistake, we found a big stack of uncounted votes with your name on them!”

 

STEP THREE: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him. And we understood him to be a fair and just God who rewarded the good and the righteous and punished the stupid and the bad. But, apparently we were wrong, weren’t we? (Sigh.)

 

STEP FOUR: Made a searching and fearless movie about global warming. Got booked on Oprah and The Daily Show.

 

STEP FIVE: Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of how the earth will end–and when. (Hint: Tuesday or the Day After Tomorrow, whichever comes first.)

 

STEP SIX: Were entirely ready to have God remove our shortcomings. That is, unless he’s too busy ruining the lives of the good and the righteous while rewarding the stupid and the bad. (Sigh.)

 

STEP SEVEN: Sigh. (Sigh.)

 

STEP EIGHT: Made a list of all persons who contributed to our campaign, sent them a friendly e-mail. Just checking in. Hey, how you doin’–that sort of thing.

 

STEP NINE: Made direct phone calls to such people wherever possible, except when they had voicemail or an answering machine, in which case we dropped by their house. Just happened to be driving by in the hybrid, saw your light was on, just sayin’ “Hi,” that sort of thing.

 

STEP TEN: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Haven’t really been wrong yet, but standing by, ready, willing, and able to promptly admit it. Just hasn’t happened yet.

 

STEP ELEVEN: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. And for a pony. We’d like a pony.

 

STEP TWELVE: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others still suffering. Particularly in, say, Iowa and New Hampshire. Just, you know, to say “Hi,” check in, plug the movie, that sort of thing…

 

— Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. Konig has written a novel, Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky. Konig is also an NRO contributor.

Members of the National Review editorial and operational teams are included under the umbrella “NR Staff.”

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