(NEWS ITEM: The announcement of the end of Sir Paul McCartney’s marriage to wife Heather Mills has resulted in an unfortunate outbreak of really contrived “journalism.” Like this.)
Former Beatle Paul McCartney may be asking “Will You Still Need Me When I’m 64?” but as for his wife Heather, well, “She’s Leaving Home–Bye Bye”! It looks like Paul will soon be “Free As A Bird,” but is his whole life now “Helter Skelter”? Apparently, the “Long and Winding Road” leads to Divorcetown, U.S.A. Paul could try telling Heather “We Can Work It Out,” but will super-celebrity divorce lawyer Raoul Felder be telling Heather “You Know My Name–Look Up The Number”?
Undisclosed sources say one problem in the marriage was Heather’s constant requests for a foot rub to relieve her aching sole. When asked why he wouldn’t give his wife a foot rub, Sir Paul allegedly told a friend, “Hey, you “Rub Her Soul,” you brought her!”
Another source of friction between the two was Sir Paul’s inability to remember his wife’s birthday. The Cute Beatle, who is not getting any younger and who has been known to smoke a little “(What’s the New) Mary Jane,” was confused about the date and was overheard arguing with his wife: “You Say It’s Your Birthday–Well It’s My Birthday Too, Yeah!” Sadly, it was not the Former Mop Top’s birthday. “Dummy! Your birthday was “Yesterday,” Heather was overheard screaming. Sources say the confusion stems from Sir Paul’s mistaken belief that there are “Eight Days A Week” when, in fact, most experts agree there are only seven.
Is there a secret pre-nuptial agreement? Despite denials, speculation is rampant that a detailed marriage contract exists that divides up all of their property, down to the books on their bookshelves. Sources say Heather will get all the hardcovers, Sir Paul the paperbacks. This clause in the contract is known as the “Paperback Rider.”
Reaction from the average man on the street has been mixed. A Mr. Paul Parducci of Elisabeth, New Jersey, was asked about the Beatle divorce. “Look, I got problems of my own,” Mr. Parducci responded. “I own a chain of stores, kite stores. We sell nothing but kites. All kinds of kites. Maybe you’ve seen my stores? Mr. Kite? Anyway, it’s probably not the best idea for a business. First of all, it’s seasonal at best. Secondly, there’s just not a great demand for kites anymore. I don’t know, the kids today they all got that Nintendo, know what I mean. So I got my own problems. I don’t get involved with celebrity gossip–who does it benefit? It’s certainly not “For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite” I’ll tell you that!”
So, in “The End,” Sir Paul might need some “Help,” after all, it’s been “A Hard Day’s Night” in the “Octopus’s Garden,” because money “Can’t Buy Me Love”–or at least that’s what they’re saying down on “Penny Lane”–“While My Guitar Gently Weeps” all over my “Yellow Submarine.”
As for Heather–well, “She’s Got A Ticket To Ride”–a ticket to ride on “The Last Train To Clarksville,” that is.
— Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. Konig has written a novel, Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky. Konig is also an NRO contributor.