From: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
To: The Believers
Date: Rajab 27, 1427
Re: Armageddon
Everyone, no need to remind you that the big day is upon us. As I have always said, our revolution’s main mission is to pave the way for the reappearance of the 12th Imam, the Mahdi.
From the beginning of time, humanity has longed for the day when justice, peace, equality and compassion envelop the world. When that day comes, the ultimate promise of all divine religions will be fulfilled with the emergence of a perfect human being who is heir to all prophets and pious men. He is the Promised One, that pure human being who will fill this world with justice and peace.
Well, the anticipation over. The Advent is coming. The Mahdi is set to arrive today.
What does this mean to you?
First, when the Mahdi gets here he is likely to be hungry. I want all our people in Qom to be ready to put on a nice dinner. Nothing extravagant, we do not need to show off. Nevertheless, nice. The press will be there, we do not want to look like some kind of backwater when the whole world is watching. No kabobs.
Also, we need to attend properly to his entourage. Jesus will be with him, probably Moses, and a bunch of others. I know they are Jews but they are also prophets beloved of God, so try not to throw things at them.
There are likely to be pilgrims coming in from all over the world for the start of the Mahdi’s world tour. We have already built hotels in Mashhad and Qom to handle the overflow, but they may not be enough. So if you have extra space, please consider taking in a pilgrim or two. Moreover, it would be best for appearances if you did not charge them more than the going rate.
Many of you may already be composing personal notes for the Mahdi with your various wishes, like the type we have been tossing down the well at the Jamkaran Mosque. Please do not inundate him with special requests. We will have people on hand to take the notes, but believe me; most of your concerns will be addressed once he creates a perfect world of universal peace and rightness. Unfortunately, I must report to you that there will still be income taxes.
As you know, the Mahdi’s return will be presaged by a brief period of cosmic chaos, war, and bloodshed, which kicks off the cataclysmic confrontation with evil and darkness through which we will emerge into universal peace. To that end I have authorized the Pasdaran to undertake Operation LIGHT IN THE SKY. We have nuclear warheads set to go off in New York and Washington, Tel Aviv and London, to punish, respectively, the Great Satan, the Little Satan, and the Other, Better Mannered Satan. In addition, we will be hitting lesser Satans in Paris, Moscow, and Beijing (won’t they be surprised).
If the operation works correctly, we will be facing swift, massive retaliation, generating the kind of chaos we need to foment the Mahdi’s return.
With that in mind, I would like to remind you of the late Imam Khomeini’s statement to the effect that “a nation that accepts martyrdom will never live in captivity.” The retaliatory strikes of the satanic powers will create conditions for the greatest collective act of Holy Defense in history. As it has been said, the survivors of nuclear war will envy the dead, so do not miss this chance for martyrdom.
Unfortunately, my staff and I will be directing the operation from a cursedly highly secure area, and as such will be denied the opportunity to have the benefit of the rewards of paradise that only the suhada may enjoy. Such are the burdens of supreme authority, but I will bear this sacrifice for our righteous and honorable people.
In closing I’d like to thank my friends in the Hojjatieh Society for pointing the way to this blessed day. Also Ayatollah Mesbah-Yazdi, looks like we did it Yaz. And of course thanks to the Iranian people for their steadfast support. See you on the other side.
– James S. Robbins is author of Last in Their Class: Custer, Picket and the Goats of West Point. Robbins is also an NRO contributor.