Sure, 2006 was pretty disastrous for conservatives — we lost the House, the Senate, and our ability to turn on the television without seeing Nancy Pelosi. But let’s forget the Haggard/Foley/Allen macacca we found ourselves wading through by November, and enjoy — if just momentarily — the Blue-State Blunders of 2006. After all, we’ve got the next two years to remove the log from our own eyes — let’s have a little fun extracting the motes out of theirs:
January: New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin proclaims, “This city will be chocolate at the end of the day.” Officials in Hershey, Pennsylvania, worried that confused tourists might go to the wrong “chocolate city,” accuse him of copyright infringement.
February: Hillary Clinton, patronizes blacks and insults Republicans by saying, “When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation — and you know what I am talking about.” The Senate’s only black member, Barack Obama, came to her defense, saying, “When Hillary Clinton is Vice President, she’ll set ’em straight.”
March: Rep. Cynthia McKinney, having been stopped by a security checkpoint, throws her cell phone at U.S. Capital police and throws a punch. Just as Russell Crowe’s flying cell phone couldn’t save Cinderella Man, McKinney is soundly defeated in the Democratic primary.
May: Rep. William Jefferson is caught on videotape accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant, $90,000 of which was found in his freezer. The remaining money was divided up equally amongst his toaster, his bread machine, and his new Williams-Sonoma waffle iron.
July: Joe Biden, upon meeting a supporter of Indian descent, brags about Delaware’s high population of Indian Americans by saying, “You cannot go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Apu, manager of the Quickie Mart, refuses to comment on whether he’d ever vote for Biden, since his hometown of “Springfield” may or may not be located in Delaware.
July: Rep. Bob Wexler appears on The Colbert Report and is prompted to say something “outrageous” since no one was running against him for his congressional reelection: “I enjoy cocaine because it’s a fun thing to do. I enjoy the company of prostitutes… it’s a fun thing to do…if you combine the two together it’s probably even more fun.” Gary Coleman, finally having found a politician he could defeat, looks for a two bedroom apartment in the 19th Congressional District of Florida.
August: Connecticut millionaire Ned Lamont attends a “Wake Up, Wal-Mart” rally where he criticizes Joe Lieberman for not doing more to stop the retail giant’s alleged poor treatment of workers. Senate records then reveal Lamont’s family own as much as $31,000 in Wal-Mart stock. John Edwards immediately offers consolation and asks if Lamont can hook him up with a Playstation 3.
September: The View host Rosie O’Donnell compares conservative Christians to Islamo-fascists: “Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state.” In response, roving bands of Presbyterians attack the New York subway system, Methodists issue a blistering fatwa, and Episcopalians blow themselves up in a nearby shopping mall after consuming their last Starbucks frappaccinos.
October: John Kerry: “If you make the most of (education), you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” Sen. Kerry claims he botched the sentence and meant to say that if you do your homework and make an effort to marry wealthy women, you can do well in life.
October: Air America, upon filing bankruptcy, urges their listeners to turn to NPR for the latest on the arts, literature, and the plight of Palestinian peacemakers.
November: After months of therapy trying to “find himself,” Iraqi Jamil Hussein realizes he doesn’t exist after all — in spite of his frequent mentions in the Associated Press. A blogger uncovers the revelation that the AP used false sources and fabricated stories of war atrocities. James Frey doesn’t see what the big deal is, since a “higher truth” is being told.
November: Nancy Pelosi claims, “The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America’s children.” Her “clarification” muddies the water even more, “I don’t mean to imply my male colleagues will have any less integrity … but I don’t know that a man can say that as easily as a woman can.” Victim groups want to cry foul, but women, men, and “the children” disagree on whom she insulted most.
December: Rosie O’Donnell, after accusing Kelly Ripa of being insensitive to homosexuals in November, characterizes Chinese television broadcasters’ speech as “ching chong chong chong chong.” When asked about it on her blog, the “Queen of Nice” responds, “go f—k urself.”
Oh, liberals say the darndest things, don’t they? They do have a way of allowing their true blue color to shine through. Have a great 2007.
[Note: in anticipation of the Democratic power shift in Washington, the next annual edition of “Blue State Blunders” will be produced in a multi-volume, bound set and sold door-to-door.]
– Nancy French is the author of Red State of Mind: How a Catfish Queen Reject Became a Liberty Belle.