Politics & Policy

March Craziness

Coming soon to an outrage professional near you.

 

March Madness is, once again, gripping our nation. The annual NCAA college basketball tournament, dubbed “March Madness,” provides weeks of wholesome fun for basketball lovers everywhere. This year, however, a growing movement is afoot throughout the nation to do away with the tournament’s moniker, which some find offensive and demeaning. “Calling it March Madness is an outrageous, and reprehensible nomenclature that should be outlawed,” claims a spokesman for the organization Moratorium on Reprehensible, Ourageous Nomenclature. “There are people in this country suffering everyday from madness — genuine madness. Not just in March, either — all year round! This basketball tournament effectively adds to their sense of exclusion and lack of self esteem.

Also, it impacts on global warming.”

 

M.O.R.O.N., which in the past has been successful in forcing college-football teams to change their American Indian logos, as well as getting Aunt Jemima pancake syrup to trade in the old, chubby Aunt Jemima for a “slimmed down, empowered Jemima for the new millennium,” issued a statement today demanding that the NCAA change “March Madness” to one of the following:

 

‐ March Seasonal Affected Disorder;

 

‐ March Bipolar Manic Depressiveness;

 

‐ March Restless Leg Syndrome;

 

‐ March Attention Deficit Disorder;

 

‐ March Hormonal and/or Chemical Imbalance;

 

‐ March Clinically Diagnosed Dementia Treatable With Prescription Medication;

 

‐ March Multiple Personality Disorder;

 

‐ March Inferiority Complex Combined With Stockholm Syndrome;

 

‐ March “What? There’s nothing wrong with me! Maybe there’s something wrong with you! Huh?! ;

‐ Did you ever think of that, pal? Maybe you’re the one who’s got the problem! I’m fine! Maybe you’re the one who’s got the problem! I can quit anytime I want!!” A.K.A: March Hopeless Denial Syndrome;

 

‐ March Tom Cruise.

Members of the National Review editorial and operational teams are included under the umbrella “NR Staff.”

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