Politics & Policy

The Full Push

Polling gone wild.

After voters in Iowa and New Hampshire began receiving calls that asked negative questions about candidate Mitt Romney and his Mormon faith, the controversial campaign tactic known as “push polling” has been in the news. As primary season heats up and the presidential race become increasingly competitive, here are some predictions for future push polls:

‐ Did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hitler? … Sorry that can’t be right … his middle name is Mussolini? … My apologies, I have the wrong call script in front of me … How would you feel if it was Idi Amin? … Dang it, let me put my glasses on … Yes, here we go, did you know his middle name is Hussein, Barack Hussein Obama?

‐ Are you more or less likely to support Mitt Romney if you knew that, due to a patriarchal blessing he received in the Mormon Church, he believes his immaculate coiffure is divinely impervious to pigeon droppings?

‐ Hello, is your refrigerator running… for office? Because if so, it has a better chance of being elected than Bill Richardson.

‐ Are you aware that former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has stated that the use of Braille on elevators and automated teller machines offends him?

‐ Are you aware that as the only Leprechaun-American in the race, Dennis Kucinich plans to solve the U.S.’s record-level current account deficit by contributions from his pot o’ gold?

‐ In August of 2002, Rudy Giuliani was lured to a retreat in the Catskills where 17 of his family, friends and trusted advisers staged an intervention. After years of polite suggestion, they finally convinced him after to abandon his comb-over. What does this episode tell you about his autocratic leadership style?

‐ Did you know that among Senator John Edwards’s many awards and accolades, he formerly held the title of Miss Buncombe County 1971?

‐ Shortly after she announced her candidacy on January 20, Hillary Clinton trained with a renowned speech therapist to approximate the human expression known as laughter. Further, she underwent an experimental cosmetic-surgery procedure implanting baboon ligaments attached to electrodes in her cheeks, so that a computer algorithm derived from focus-group results determines how often and how wide she smiles. Now given what you know about her, on a scale of one to ten, how genuine would you rate Senator Clinton?

‐ Would you vote for Joe Biden if he were running for president of the Hair Club for Men?

‐ Ron Paul claims to have read Atlas Shrugged seven times, yet Texas library records indicate he’s only checked the book out twice. Do you feel you can trust Ron Paul?

N.B.: These are jokes people — none of questions above contain any truth. Except for the part about Hillary Clinton having to be trained to laugh.

Okay, that’s not real either, but you wanted to believe it, didn’t you?

— Mark Hemingway is an NRO staff reporter.

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