Politics & Policy

Which Daniel Webster?

What follows is a fundraising pitch from fire-and-brimstone liberal Rep. Alan Grayson, FL-8, sent just after the GOP nominated former state legislator Daniel Webster to oppose him — except Grayson jokingly suggests he’s actually running against the 19th-century statesman of the same name.

My email spam filter flagged this for some reason, so it’s about a week old. But I would be doing readers an injustice by not posting it anyway, because it’s probably the most off-beat, bizarre, and humorous email ever sent on behalf of a sitting politician.

Congressman Alan Grayson was informed today that Daniel Webster has been chosen as his Republican opponent for Congress. “Didn’t he die, like, 150 years ago?” asked Grayson. “Can’t the Republicans find anyone to run against me who’s alive?”

Grayson was then informed that Daniel Webster had hitched a ride in Marty McFly’s new, fuel-efficient DeLorean, which gets an amazing 35 years to the gallon. Grayson grew pensive for a moment, and then said, “Well, it will be an interesting race. Certainly, Daniel Webster will run well among 19th Century voters. But we have solid support among 20th and 21st Century voters.”

When asked about endorsements, Grayson conceded that Daniel Webster was likely to win the support of James Knox Polk. But Grayson pointed to a long-time feud between Daniel Webster and Andrew Jackson. And Grayson thanked Mr. Harrison, Grayson’s 12th grade history teacher, for letting Grayson know about it.

Webster immediately went negative on Grayson, calling him a “knave,” a “varlet” and a “scalawag.” Grayson refused to respond in kind, saying that he would never attack anyone who had dated Betsy Ross. Grayson added that he hoped that the contest would be a true test of ideas, and that the two of them in fact shared a lot of common ground on the issues. “Emancipation, for instance. And the preservation of the Union. Except for Texas.”

Webster, when asked to comment, replied “Tippecanoe, and Tyler too.”

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