In Hollywood we have a saying: “We’ve seen this movie before.” I realize you civilians have the same saying, but when we say it, it has an added ring of authority because we are Industry professionals and you are the fannies in the seats. Still, when you get right down to it, maybe we have all seen this movie before. Let’s call it No Way Out II: This Time, It’s Really, Really Personal.
In that movie — itself a re-imagining of The Big Clock, which was more or less about Henry Luce and Time Magazine, although nobody ever admitted it — Kevin Costner played a Russian mole inside the Pentagon, madly burrowing and beetling away as, in the guise of a home-grown naval officer, he seduces the Secretary of Defense’s mistress and steals Amerikkka’s defense secrets. Costner’s Tom Farrell is a character in that great tradition of American heels: the “friend” who’s busy both hollowing you out and selling you out, fitting you for the noose as he pretends to take the measurements for your inseam.
Which brings me to that amazing social equalizer, wealth-spreader, and building-destroyer: multiculturalism, which has been responsible for every cultural advancement and falafel stand north of the Mediterranean since Charles Martel and El Cid fought Osama bin Laden and his Andalusian Moors at the gates of Vienna and thus gave the Western world coffee and croissants. I mean, without multiculturalism, where would we eat?
And yet now you seem to be figuring out the scam. I’m sensing the beginning of a counter-revolution here and I don’t like it one bit.
First you wingnuts get some of your “undercover” minions to entrap perfectly innocent Planned Parenthood patriots — people selflessly dedicated to Margaret Sanger’s noble eugenicist vision of a world without the lame, the halt, the blind, the mentally feeble, and the, um, you know, lesser races — and now you’ve got the vast right-wing Euro-conspiracy of Angela Merkel, David Cameron, and Nicolas Sarkozy. I thought we’d long established the constitutional principle that three generations of imbeciles are enough, especially when we’re talking about conservatives, but all of a sudden you’re back up on your hind legs and barking like a seal.
Can it be that the scales are finally falling from your eyes, and that you’re beginning to see us for what we are, and what we’re really up to, which is nothing less than the deconstruction and destruction of your Judeo-Christianist, “Enlightenment,” Adam-Smith/Invisible Hand market-based “civilization” and its replacement with a top-down government of, by, and for the credentialed elites?
No one, not even an imbecile, would willingly vote for such a thing (unless you count us), so we have to dress it up as a feel-good fantasy, a United Colors of Benetton ad in which social justice prevails and all cultures are equal. You can bet there’d be no place in our world for someone like that Nobel Prize winner, Saul Bellow, who was said to have wondered, “Who is the Tolstoy of the Zulus?” Who cares if he never really said that? He might have thought it, and that was good enough for us to try and shut him up.
Of course, not even we really believe our own fairy tale — not when we live out here in Hollywoodland in our gated communities with our private security services. For us, multi-culti is just a Trojan horse, the way into the inner sanctum, wherein resides both your constitution and your soul. It’s our Tom Farrell, cementing its nice-guy cover story while raiding the larder. And the best part of it is — up to now, you’ve been helpless against it!
Object to the muezzin’s call in Hamtramck? Racist.
Object to the introduction of sharia law in certain immigrant communities? Racist.
Object to the federally funded teaching of Arabic in some Texas schools as a “language of the future”? Racist.
The genius of it was that any and all opposition could be painted as the crude revanchism of a bunch of inbred, stump-toothed reactionaries, congenitally opposed to any kind of change. And you know how we feel about change! Change is always good, especially when it comes to changing you. And if change is good, well then, fundamental change is even better.
Now, alas, you’re beginning to understand what this “fundamental change” mantra was all about, and our only hope is that it’s too late and you’re too stupid to do anything about it. It’s hard for us to accept that you’ve finally twigged to us — after all, you still have prize Stupid Party ex-members in your ranks, ready to detonate their congressional careers like a suicide bomber. Fifty years of philosophical toxicity and unrelenting propaganda has done its work, and you’re like Edmond O’Brien at the beginning of D.O.A., or like Hailee Steinfeld at the end of the Coens’ True Grit: snake-bit, poisoned, and set to lose your arm if not your life.
Like my favorite literary “villain” (next to Iago, of course), Ellsworth Toohey of The Fountainhead, we have posed as your friends for lo these many years. We have “upheld” your Constitution even as we have sapped it; stripped it of its meaning even as we have “interpreted” it; trashed it even as we have exalted it.
As far as “Western Civ” goes, Hussein’s camel’s nose is long since under the tent, and even potential offensiveness can no longer by tolerated by the Tolerant Left: say good-bye not only to your “founding fathers,” but to Mozart and The Magic Flute, to Mark Twain and Huckleberry Finn, to Birth of a Nation and Gone With the Wind. To The Wind and the Lion. To Zulu and Khartoum.
In other words, celebrate diversity by getting rid of it! As they say in another of my favorite movies, Highlander, “There can be only one.”
Of course, that flick was about terminal beheadings. Which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with our current multicultural conversation.
— Unlike you lot, David Kahane welcomes the New World Order, whatever it turns out to be. You can share your angst at email@example.com or your schadenfreude on Facebook; just look for Rules for Radical Conservatives and get with the program, or else.