Politics & Policy

Inconceivable and Inevitable

The Five-Point-Palm Exploding-Heart Technique is just the start of what’s in store for you chumps.

I’m going to have to speak very sternly to Maerose Prizzi the next time I encounter her at our monthly meeting of the criminal organization masquerading as a political party, a.k.a the Democrats. By what right did she destroy what’s left of our tattered cover of mainstream reasonableness by saying, “The inconceivable to you is the inevitable to us”?

She was speaking of gay marriage, an idea you bigots have thought was crazy for the past several thousand years, and that was once just a gleam in daddy Andrew Sullivan’s eye, but now has become a litmus test for right-thinking progressives everywhere.

Only a troglodyte, neo-Nazi, or, well, President Obama could possibly be against same-sex marriage, so when His Serene Majesty the Emperor Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Hoops, Master of the Greens, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Vacationer-in-Chief, Slayer of Osama, Killer of Qaddafi, Atomizer of the Economy, Sultan of the Slippers, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago finally decides there are more votes for it than against it and changes sides — as we know he will! — that will pretty much leave you on the side of the homophobes, as usual.

In reality, though, she’s speaking for all of us on the left about every counter-intuitive idea that’s ever popped into our pointy little heads and soon thereafter becomes public policy once we get our mitts on the levers of government. It’s great that the former Speaker is out and proud and living in a comfortable, non-threatening environment — San Franciscans call it “Pacific Heights” — that allows her to let slip the mask of the loyal opposition and just drop the whole “loyal” part altogether. But did she have to be so blunt?

Yes, the Baltimore machine princess — oops, I mean, “distinguished daughter of the beloved d’Alesandro political dynasty” with a penchant for parking-garage scandals, whose brother was once indicted for statutory rape and perjury but miraculously escaped scot-free — has gone and blown the code of omerta and taqiyya that our side so assiduously practices when it comes to dealing with you wingnuts.

Now, I know you’re going to find it inconceivable that la Pelosi could be in any familial way connected to what we used to called “municipal corruption,” if not actual “organized crime” back in the day when her dad, “Big Tommy” d’Alesandro, and his wife Annunciata (also called “Nancy”), ran the city of Baltimore. And, as you know, we Fairness & Tolerance lefties are scrupulously averse to “guilt by association” except when it comes to you. But in the interests of full disclosure, and as long as Maerose is letting it all hang out, what the hell? Let’s hop in the Wayback Machine:

Dominic Piracci, whose daughter Margie had married Tommy’s oldest son, (known as Tommy III), had been a good friend of his for years. As a prominent Baltimore building contractor, he’d received lucrative contracts related to the parking garages Tommy started building all over Baltimore just after his first mayoral election. Piracci had been charged with fraud, conspiracy, and conspiracy to obstruct justice, all related to what amounted to the fact that he had received a lion’s share of the parking-garage-building business. His trial on these charges was publicized widely, including in TIME. Along the way, it was charged that, while engaged in his alleged criminal enterprises, he’d funneled funds under the table to Tommy. Soon it was claimed that some of those funds had even helped fund Tommy’s on-going gubernatorial bid.

Piracci had taken steps to hide some of the names of those he’d passed monies to, but inasmuch as those monies were paid out in the form of checks, it wasn’t hard for investigators to find them and — of course — to identify the individuals whose names were on them. It happened that Tommy’s wife, Nancy, had received no less than six of Piracci’s checks, in the aggregate amount of $11,130.78. On the witness stand, she testified that $1,500 was a gift to the newlyweds Tommy III and Margie, and the rest was a loan, partly to help her with debts related to her feed business, the rest for debts incurred in a venture involving a skin softener.

So I guess it really is true that the “inconceivable is the inevitable,” especially regarding the upper reaches of the Democratic party. I mean, who would ever conceive that a once-and-perhaps-still-inconceivable-but-inevitable Speaker of the House would have a background like that — and that the mainstream media would be totally silent on the subject throughout her speakership? Meanwhile, the Washington Post devoted all sorts of vital journalistic resources to warn Amerikkka that Rick Perry’s ol’ Texas huntin’ spot was racially insensitive because some stories just need to be told – and this one was certainly more important than letting the public know early and often that Maerose is one of Congress’s biggest insider traders.

But why should tales of Democratic corruption really surprise you? Stop and reflect upon those halcyon days, early in our party’s storied history, when the very first Democratic vice president, and beloved sire of Tammany Hall, shot and killed one of the Founding Fathers. We’ve hated your rotten country pretty much from the get-go.

Which is why there’s no notion too crazy for us to foist on you as we pursue our “social agenda,” which is basically the total demolition of your Christianist “American” culture and its replacement by a European-style atheist People’s Republic run entirely along beneficent fascist principles as defined by us for your own good.

Yes, your whole hypocritical “constitutional” edifice, with its charter of negative liberties, has got to come tumbling down, but we’ve never been strong enough — until now! — to just, you know, do it. Instead, we’ve taken the way of gradualism, always aware that, once we’ve weakened you into defenselessness, down you go, just like Bill in Kill Bill, Vol. 2, a delayed-reaction victim of the Five-Point-Palm Exploding-Heart Technique. Awesome!

You morons think there’s still time, that the next election will save you, that by running someone like that religious scold Rick Santorum or “NASCAR” Mitt Romney against our front man, BO2, you can rouse a “silent majority” whose instinct for self-preservation has not entirely atrophied out of the phony guilt and faux-shame we’ve convinced you to feel. That you can still “save” Amerikka.

Think again. The “silent majority” went out with Tricky Dick, and today even your “Catholic” universities quail before the former Barry Soetoro, covering up the “sacred” name of Jesus lest it offend his, er, exotic religious sensibilities, and its round-heeled fellow-traveler front organizations roll right over when BHO II magnanimously offers them an “accommodation” in his ongoing rule by bureaucratic regulation and executive order.

In other words, “saving America” or “taking back your country” is never going to happen and — as long as Maerose is spilling the beans — I’m going to tell you why. Because our control of the media is nearly absolute. I mean, you didn’t see Maerose’s quote widely reported, did you? Of course you didn’t, because it wouldn’t have been helpful. No need to alarm the extra-chromosome right wing with, you know, the truth about our intentions until it’s too late for you mutants to do anything about it.

Sure, David Axelrod’s media pet poodles occasionally report  some less-than-flattering stuff about us – we’ll deal with 60 Minutes down the road — but those stories generally die from inattention. What’s really helpful is setting the agenda about things we want to talk about. Look how fast the word “contraception” — which hasn’t been heard in the land since my father, the sainted “Che” Kahane, was a free-loving pup back at UC Berkeley and Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow — went from a wacky debate question by a Clinton hack posing as a journalist to a national political issue in the blink of an eye. It’s an issue entirely manufactured by our media wing, which works in tandem with Jake Lingle to ensure that both sides of the mighty Axelrod/Obama Reelect Machine are working smoothly.

And to what purpose? Why, to make the inconceivable the inevitable. Which is precisely what we intend to do from 2013 on, which I think I can best explain to you by putting it in terms we can all understand, especially me: Fundamental Change II: This Time, the Inconceivable is Inevitable — and Very, Very Personal.

Once this sham of an election is safely past, abandon all hope. But get ready for plenty of change.

David Kahane is thrilled to be back in his palatial pad in Echo Park, sitting poolside with Ginger, re-reading his incredibly timely Rules for Radical Conservatives aloud to the neighborhood children, and working on yet another rewrite of The Manchurian Candidate. Like millions of other rabid fans, you can “friend” him on Facebook, write to him at kahanenro@gmail.com, or follow him on Twitter @dkahanerules. And you will, if you know what’s good for you.

Since February 2007, Michael Walsh has written for National Review both under his own name and the name of David Kahane, a fictional persona described as “a Hollywood liberal who ...


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