With Colorado’s airwaves packed in the final days of the state’s Senate race, NARAL had to cut down its last-ditch anti-Cory Gardner advertisement for length. The full version, as obtained by National Review:
Woman: Did you try Whole Foods?
Man: Of course.
Woman: Grocery store?
Man: Sold out.
Woman: Farmer’s market?
Man: Come on.
Woman: So everyone’s sold out of ramen noodles? How did this happen?
Man: With that personhood decree, Cory Gardner banned anything that could hurt an unborn child. And now, we’re starving. Alcohol was just the start. Raw meat? Cory banned it. Seafood? Gone. No more pâté, fruit, Caesar dressing, sushi . . .
Woman: That one hurts the most.
Man: . . . eggs, Tiramisu, coffee. After food stamps were abolished. I had to eat those old Pell Grant applications just to stay alive. Sometimes I envy Barack Obama. At least they feed him on Elba.
Woman: I miss tampons.
Man: Me too, Sweetpea. Me too.
Woman: And television.
Man: Remember HBO?
Woman: Shut down by Cory Gardner for promoting pre-marital sex.
Man: And the Discovery Channel! Climate change that everyone knows is weirding our weather, Cory flat-out denied it. Now, look at how things are, Hot Legs.
Woman: He’s just not Science, is he?
Man: Exactly, Sugar Tits. This guy has no idea what’s going on in the real world. Last year, he took my little brother’s shoes away. Poor Jimmy.
Woman: What?!
Man: Yeah. Cory Gardner, something about them making him feel like a giant. He just ripped them off my brother’s feet and sent them to the Kochs as a tax write-off. Jimmy’s gone barefoot since last George Wallace Day.
Woman: I know a lot about barefoot these days. And this kitchen gets so hot.
Man: Hey, was that the afternoon bell?
Woman: Yes. Let’s get it over with.
Together: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
Man: That line about bread gets me every time.
Woman: Remember bread?
Man: Do I? Too brown, Cory Gardner said. So it had to go. Just like the mushrooms.
Woman: Remember when he destroyed all the chocolate? The militias just marched right into Hershey.
Man: Brown and an aphrodisiac, he said. They felt the explosions in Paris.
Woman: I always wanted to take a trip to Paris.
Man: Too late. Cory Gardner said France was “gay.” He shut down all our borders — now it’s the Creationism Museum, the shooting range, or nothing. Well, anyway, with no weekends . . .
Woman: Aaaachoo!
Man: And now you’re sneezing. Shame our hospital vouchers are used up for the year. I just hate him. I hate him. I hate him so much!
Woman: Ssshh. He’s coming . . .