Politics & Policy

The Obama Family’s Christmas Letter

(Pool Image/Getty)
How the president might sum up a rough year.

To: Family, friends, donors, lobbyists, and fellow community organizers

Aloha and season’s greetings!

I write this note to you on board Air Force One as the Obama family jets across the country for our quick 14-day Hawaii vacation. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, but don’t worry: I’ve insisted that we set a good example by filling the fuel tanks with 16,000 gallons of ethanol and wood chips. No oil or other satanic gases used here. And we will be mostly trekking around the island on bikes, so this trip is completely carbon-neutral.

As we get some badly needed R&R on the lush beaches of Maui (if you haven’t been here, you’ve got to come), I will spend most of my time mapping out a national strategy to reduce the undeniable and growing gap in America between the super-rich (like the Koch Brothers) and the poor. My good friend Tom Steyer from California — a great, great American — has some terrific ideas about how to bring back real income equality in America that I plan to incorporate.

Did you notice that Michelle and I and the girls spent several exhausting days last week installing solar paneling on the roof of the White House? Just setting a good example, America! And yes, in answer to some of your thoughtful tweets, we paid Malia and Sasha a living wage (lol!). Before we leave this grand home, we hope to change its official name from the White House to the Green House. After all, while we as a nation strive to decarbonize the planet over the next several years, even small gestures like this matter a lot.

(Click here if you would like to contribute $50 or $100 to help me in the fight to end climate change.)

I will be spending New Year’s in Havana hanging with my two new best buddies — Raul and Fidel Castro. I just friended them on Facebook. Then Comrade Raul will be coming to the White House, and we will roll out the red carpet. BTW, I have always felt Fidel is one of the most underappreciated world leaders of the 20th century. I mean, I practically stole the idea of Obamacare from him. I told Fidel the other day that Cuba has almost complete income equality, universal health care, full employment — and yet many Americans consider Cuba to be a banana republic. Go figure.

Raul is so thoughtful. As a token of his appreciation for opening up diplomatic relations with Havana, he just sent Michelle and me matching Che Guevara T-shirts and a box of the finest Cuban cigars (the Secret Service will make sure they’re not the exploding kind. Ha ha!). And I sent him a long overdue note apologizing for the Bay of Pigs invasion. It’s about time, right?

Can you believe those midterm elections? It’s hard to even consider them legitimate when only one in three Americans voted. Republicans do everything they can to keep people of color and union members and the poor from casting a ballot. I saw a disturbing statistic the other day that a record-low number of illegal immigrants cast a ballot this November!! Then the GOP flooded the airwaves (all paid for by those billionaire polluters, the Koch Brothers) with misinformation about how I’m an economic failure, a race baiter, a jobs killer, an imperial president, a man who runs roughshod over the Constitution, and so on.

Have they forgotten George W. Bush? I hope you haven’t. When I came into office, the economy was in ruins. I saved America from a second Great Depression. But they keep harping on this campaign of lies — that I borrowed $7 trillion; that we’ve still got 14 million unemployed people; that this is the worst recovery since the Great Depression. But that’s only because the obstructionist congressional Republicans funded by the big oil and gas conglomerates block everything we have tried to do.

As I’m sure you noticed, I appointed the first woman ever to run the Federal Reserve Board earlier this year, and no one can deny that Janet Yellen is doing a fabulous job. I have a personal promise from the chairwoman that she plans to flood another $5 trillion into supercharging the U.S. economy and she’s thinking of changing our currency to the “dollar-peso.” I joked with her that it might be easier to just start putting an extra zero on all the bills we print. She got a good chuckle out of that one — but she did write the idea down.

Can you believe those Republicans? They actually want to nominate another Bush for president. Do they really think Americans are that stupid? Can you imagine what would happen to our country with another Bush in the White House? Next thing you know, they are going to put that warmonger Dick Cheney on the ticket. Frightening, isn’t it? What’s next, Bernie Madoff as secretary of the Treasury? Everything we have worked on together for so long to transform America would be reversed. The GOP’s War Against Women would go nuclear. No one’s reproductive rights are safe while Republicans are in charge.

(Click here if you would like to donate $100 or $200 to make sure this never happens!)

Michelle and I have so much on our plate for 2015. I’m thinking of opening up diplomatic relations with North Korea and have a call in to Kim Jong-un. Yes, there is some need for political and economic reform there, but let us never forget that no nation has held down its greenhouse-gas emissions better than North Korea. Kim recognizes the evils of excessive reliance on electricity, and the North Koreans have one of the most effective cap-and-trade systems in the world.

Obamacare keeps outperforming even our wildest dreams. We have signed up 18 million more Americans for Medicaid. The Republicans keep saying they have a plan, but their idea of universal health care is to give everyone a toothbrush and a box of Band-Aids. On this topic, let me assure you of something else: I never have heard of Jonathan Gruber. I’ve never met him. I have no idea how in the world he got into the White House 17 times. I have no idea how he found out that we fudged the numbers on our promise that Obamacare wouldn’t add a dime to the deficit.

OK, now for the really exciting news. Are you sitting down? My Justice Department tells me that I have the executive-branch authority to suspend enforcement of the 22nd Amendment. So, yes, I can run again in 2016. And, wait, it gets better. Just between you and me, I’m not sure Uncle Joe Biden is up for another term as Veep. May ask him to slide over and be ambassador to Zaire.

So how does this ticket grab you? Obama-Warren 2016!

(Click here if you would like to donate $500 to the Obama-Warren reelection campaign for 2016.)

I know what some of you are thinking: It’s Hillary’s turn. First female president, blah, blah, blah. But just between you and me: Aren’t you a little sick of the Clintons? Don’t get me wrong, Hillary was a fabulous secretary of state and I will always be grateful for her loyal and patriotic service in my administration, but sometimes I wonder whether she’s been completely straightforward about her role in the Benghazi fiasco. And the last time I saw her, she just didn’t look well.

And so my dear friends, contributors, and fellow community organizers: Be of good cheer. The Republicans have peaked. The best is yet to come. We have just begun our fundamental transformation of America, and when we’re done, you won’t recognize the place.

Here’s to more Hope and Change in 2015. Not to mention 2016, 2017 . . . 

Happy Holidays, Merry Kwanzaa, and have a great 2015 C.E.!

Barack

— Stephen Moore is an NRO contributor.

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