Politics & Policy

The Other Donald Trump Interview with Hugh Hewitt

(Photo Illustration: NRO)
National Review obtained this exclusive fake transcript.

HH: Joined now by Donald Trump. Donald Trump, welcome back to the Hugh Hewitt Show, it’s always a pleasure to talk to you.

DT: Thank you, Hugh.

HH: Tell us a little about yourself. Where were you born?

DT: Okay, fine.

[pause]

HH: All right. I’m on with Donald Trump. So, where were you born?

DT: Can you give me a little . . .

HH: I’m asking in which place you were born. It’s not a gotcha question, Donald Trump. You know I don’t do those here.

DT: Well, that is a gotcha question, though. I mean, you know, when you’re asking me about where I was born, this this, that’s not, that is not, I was really small at the time. I wasn’t a politician then. All you need to know about this is that I’ll be so good at births and deaths and all that stuff that your head will spin. I’ll get the best genealogists for everybody, and the gynecologists for the women, who love me by the way and want to vote for me. I think what is really important is to pick out, and this is something I’m so good at, to pick out who is the best; not to, you know, talk about things like where people were born. 

HH: Except for . . .

DT: . . . except for Barack Obama who was probably born in Kenya, and Ted Cruz who isn’t actually an American. Yes.

HH: All right, good. Let’s talk about politics. Do you own a gun?

DT: You know, I’d rather not say. I’m quite an introvert.

HH: Introvert?

DT: I was on a stage the other day in front of 20,000 people, 30,000 people — big stage, great crowd, all shouting my name, loved it, media hated it obviously but afterwards they came up and said it was the best rally they’d ever seen, and even the other candidates called me and praised me for my attacks on them — and I was saying to them, these 40,000 people, how I don’t need to tell anybody anything about myself because I’m an introvert. They loved it, couldn’t get enough. Very smart people, all 50,000 of them. None of them politicians. I was saying that they can find out about me in my book, The Art of the Deal, the best book other than the Bible. Excellent book. Publisher wants another one. Offered me a huge amount of money. Huge. They’re all voting for me, the publishers. They’re for Trump in Manhattan.

HH: All right. A lot of Second Amendment defenders care about this question: What do you understand by the term “assault weapon”?

DT: Well, yeah, I think that you know, the word assault weapon, and a lot of people, there’s been a lot of controversy, but I wouldn’t give you exact, I am in favor. I know some people at the NRA and the assault-weapons companies. I’m for assaults. All of them. You name an assault, I want it. Define it and I’ll help. Come to me with an offer.

#share#HH: How about specifics: Should the AR-15 be legal?

DT: Of course. And the AR-16 and AR-17 too. By the way, the other candidates never say that. Professional politicians never talk about those guns. Look, I can’t tell you what guns I have. As I’ve been telling the massive crowds around the country, I’m too private to share my thoughts. But if I did have a rifle, and I do, it would be the most luxurious rifle you’ve ever seen. It would have a big propeller on it, and a torch that shone “Trump” into the sky. And it would look exactly like a wall. Have you asked Jeb Bush if he’s in favor of AR-16s, too? I bet he’s not. He’s a nice guy. He’s a nice guy. Should I say this? Yes. He’s a nice guy. But he’s not going to make America great again if he can’t even talk about AR-16s.

HH: All right. A religious question now. What do you think of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay couples?

DT: Well, I’m big into religion. Huge. Huge. I’m into God and Christianity and the flying people and the wafers. All that stuff. Big into the Testaments too. But I mean, the Supreme Court has ruled. Ken David is wrong.

HH: Kim Davis.

DT: Right. I mean, he has to follow the law and do his job, or let someone else do it.

HH: She.

DT: No more gotcha questions please, Hugh. But really, I want to know why people want licenses from Ken in the first place. I had my people look into it, and his licenses are not classy at all. Nobody knows how easy it would be to make a great license. So easy. When I’m president, the licenses will be fantastic. The best. You want a license? You got it. Just come see me. I’ll build you the best license you’ve ever seen: It’ll be gay and powerful, and we’ll make it very good looking. It would be as good as a marriage contract has got to be. I know a lot about this area, obviously.

HH: All right. Who would you want in your cabinet if you became president?

DT: That’s difficult to say. All the candidates want to be in a Trump administration. They tell me, secretly. All the other cabinet sort of people do as well: John Bolton, George Will, Hulk Hogan. They come to my office and they beg: “I want to serve Trump,” they say. But look, I don’t know now. I can’t answer, because in a year they’ll all be dead. I’ll tell you honestly, I think by the time I get to the White House, they’ll all be gone. They’ll be all gone. I knew you were going to ask me things like this, and there’s no reason for it. We have 18 point — er, a lot of debt. Too much debt. I’m against debt.

HH: Let’s move on to foreign policy. Which European country do you consider to be America’s foremost ally on the world stage?

DT: I think Europe is definitely an important country for America. But Hugh, Europe isn’t causing us problems by the way. Our big problem is China. China is just destroying us. China keeps devaluing their currency. China is devastating for us. China has sucked money and jobs out of the United States. Let me tell you, I was at an ATM yesterday trying to take out a lot of money. I can’t tell you how much, but a lot of money. More money than you have. And my account was empty. And in its place on the screen it just said “China,” and there was a Mexican laughing. I have other accounts. I’m fine. Hugely rich, actually. But that’s who these people are. I’m going to stand up to it. I won’t have any Chinese people on The Apprentice.

#related#HH: All right. But, and I hope you understand that I’m asking these questions to see what you know, Europe isn’t a country. It’s a continent and, within it, there is a political and economic union. Is there a particular country you see as crucial to American policy?

DT: No, you know what? I didn’t know that about Europe. But on my first day in office, or before then, right at the day after the election, I’ll know more about it than you will ever know. That I can tell you.

HH: You can’t name a single country in Europe?

DT: When it’s appropriate. I will know more about it than you know, and believe me, it won’t take me long. I will get my Brain Quest cards and my pencils, and I’ll be reading them while taking the oath.

HH: Thank you, Donald Trump. Always a pleasure. Congratulations on your success so far.

DT: Truly you are a third-rate lightweight loser. Dumb as a rock.

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