To Whom It Will Concern:
I have been the personal physician of Mr. Donald J. Trump since 1968. His previous physician was my father, Dr. Edith Bernofsky. I am pleased to report that, at no point since he was unable to fight in Vietnam, has Mr. Trump had any significant medical problems.
During a recent comprehensive medical examination, Mr. Trump revealed himself to be quite extraordinarily healthy. While I conducted my array of tests, he singlehandedly held me above his magnificent head and spun me around and around and around — quite the thrill. His blood pressure is exemplary, as is his lung capacity. His body-mass index is breathtaking. Running my fingers across his abdominal muscles, I am not ashamed to say that I wept. It is no exaggeration to note that he has the agility of a panther and the strength of a purebred racehorse. He’s more machine now than man.
His unfortunate wartime experiences aside, Mr. Trump has never suffered any physical ailments whatsoever. He has never coughed or sneezed or been forced to wipe grit from his eyes. He has never had the hiccups. He has never had restless legs. Indeed, he has never so much as broken into a sweat. His cardiovascular status is a thing of beauty; pressing my stethoscope to his chest, I believed for a moment that I was listening to Run–D.M.C.
Mr. Trump has no history of using alcohol, tobacco, illicit drugs, or Mexican food. While at school, a nurse told him that he had a ruptured appendix. He just laughed it off, and went back to the football field. Despite having had chronic bone spurs that were sufficiently debilitating to keep him out of the army, he has never had the orthopedic surgery that is, strictly speaking, necessary for their remedy. On a personal note, I might add that of all the feet that I have seen in my long and checkered career, his are by far the prettiest. I am routinely impressed by his sternum.
#share#I can state unequivocally that Mr. Trump would be the healthiest individual ever to walk through the White House doors. Furthermore, in the unlikely event that he were to run into medical trouble while in office, he has committed to using the federal government’s post-Kelo eminent-domain authority to claim working organs from Americans less important than himself. Upon his death, Mr. Trump has instructed me to place him into a cryogenic tank so that he will be able to return to the presidency in the future, once science has caught up with his ambition.
I am reliably informed that Mr. Trump is known among his peers in the services as “SuperRambo.”
Upon the completion of my investigation, Mr. Trump left for the Mojave Desert, where he insisted upon undergoing a full Navy SEAL training program. I am reliably informed that Mr. Trump is known among his peers in the services as “SuperRambo.” So vigorous is his behavior that Chuck Norris is said to have a picture of him etched into the back of his skull.
Some say that Mr. Trump has healing powers; others that his body should be turned into a National Historic Landmark. I will say only that it has been my pleasure to serve Mr. Trump in this capacity, and an even greater honor to cash the outlandish checks that I have been awarded for my services thus far.
Edward J. Bernofsky, MD., F.R.A.U.D.
Department of Chronic Flattery, Section of Obsequiousness
Trump Hospital, New York, N.Y.