Time magazine’s selection of German chancellor Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year” was a bit surprising given recent headlines. National Review’s own Jim Geraghty has already made a strong case that Donald J. Trump should have won the honor. Love him or hate him, Trump has had the most impact on 2015’s political developments and media culture as the country heads into a new election season.
Of course, Trump immediately lashed out at Time for their selection of Merkel — whom he referred to as the person “ruining Germany.”
I told you @TIME Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite They picked person who is ruining Germany
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 9, 2015
But the Golden Don should not despair. Here are five sure-fire strategies for Trump to secure 2016’s Person of the Year award.
Trump Becomes President
Given current scenarios, this is Trump’s clearest path to Time immortality. We are headed straight into a nasty primary season that could see Trump implode — or lock up the Republican nomination. On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton isn’t wowing anyone and the wave of populism sweeping over the country after seven years of Barack Obama is palpable, which could clear a path for Trump. If Trump secures the presidency, Time POTY is a lock. We probably won’t have a country anymore, but Trump could boast that he was the last person to hold the honor.
Trump Invades Canada
Invading other countries has been a résumé staple for Person of the Year winners dating back to Stalin and Hitler. Even better, Trump doesn’t even have to be elected president to accomplish this! Trump has already collected a small Twitter army of rabid loyalists and he has the wealth to organize them. His hotels have enough space for Trump to quarter his army, strategize, and plan his invasion. America’s hat doesn’t stand a chance — and neither would any other Time nominee.
Trump Becomes Pope
Every pope dating back to the sainted John XXIII — hailed for mediating the Cuban Missile Crisis — has been named Person of the Year, well except for Benedict XVI who couldn’t catch a break. Trump’s path here is a little more complicated, but surely Saint Donald — he of the blessed “fantastic deals” — could no doubt negotiate his way into the Vatican. And as he likes to say, the Catholics already love him! Bonus point: The Vatican wouldn’t have to change its gold leaf and marble aesthetic style to match the famous Trumpian taste either.
Trump Becomes U2’s New Frontman
Bono appeared on Time’s Person of the Year cover (alongside Bill Gates) and is well known as much more than just a charismatic rock singer. He’s also a philanthropist and preacher of sorts, just like Trump. Bono was never a classically trained singer — so this wouldn’t be as hard as it might sound for Trump. The presidential campaign trail has already prepared Trump for a grueling live tour. And he already has the planes, buses, groupies, and helicopters. On top of that, Trump already draws U2-sized crowds.
Trump Buys Time Magazine
This might be the easiest route for Trump to become Person of the Year. If the Donald purchased Time outright he could appoint himself POTY this year, next year, and every year after that for as long as he owns the magazine. Yuuuge!